1020

[prismaticbleed]

 
Just a very small update while we're trying to exercise. 

We've been very, very sick lately. It's frightening. The imminent reality of death, especially in a hospital setting, has been haunting our every waking thought to the extent that we have become frantic to survive somehow, ironically. When your health starts to collapse around your ears, it's very difficult to just peacefully accept it and bear the terror & pain. The instincts immediately want to run and fight somehow. But we can't. 

So. Conscience is driving me to at least begin an entry here, on that topic.

But for now I only have the most important things to declare, on the off chance that I never get to update again.

1. I do not hate anyone. At all. I still love everyone I have ever loved, in any way. Specifically, I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my grandparents. I love my brothers. I love my cousins. I love my neighbors. I love my fellow parishioners. I love my old friends. I love my old classmates. And I love Q, Y, M, and O. You know who you are. I was a scumbag to you, and there is neither excuse nor justification for how abhorrent i was to you all. Nevertheless, you are all precious to my soul and I think of you daily with the utmost affection. 
2. I forgive everyone. I mean it. I fully forgive everyone who has ever wounded me, because I know it was all unintentional (the injury is always ultimately by my own hand and mind), and furthermore I pray for their blessing & happiness & health.
3. I am terribly and truly and crushingly sorry for all the sins of our past, especially the ones recorded & discussed in these Archives, and specifically those that hurt our family & friends directly (i.e. egregious stealing, outrageous lying, and savage violence). We were very sick in the mind and I beg forgiveness in return for the atrocious damage we did. We could never repair it, but God knows how desperately we wish we could.
4. I am Roman Catholic, not a pagan or some eclectic proud invention of religion. I honestly love God and I yearn to be a saint, although that's probably impossible with my personal history. Still, I refuse to abandon that hope, because there's no other goal worth pursuing in life. If I could be a nun, I would join a convent this very instant. I want to dedicate every single aspect and every single second of my existence to worshipping and serving and knowing and loving God, no matter how badly I currently fail at such efforts. I will not stop trying. I cannot stop trying. God give me the grace. 
5. I Choose to identify as God wants me to. I Want to be a female, because God made me one. I am still called to celibacy and I embrace this wholeheartedly, because God also knows I have never been heterosexual and therefore chastity is my innate vocation. But I repent with grievous sorrow over my homosexual behavior, transgender lifestyle, and unchaste actions in the past. I nearly destroyed my soul by doing so, and it is only by God's mercy that I am healing at last. But the point in the face of death is: I wish I had never done such unholy things. 
6. Everything I originally wrote in the "Leagueworlds"– now called the "Irispherae"– is a tragic, misinformed, irreligious mess, and I am ashamed of it. I never got to "fixing it" because I prioritized true religion over it back around 2018. Maybe this was misinformed too. Maybe all I did was "bury my talents." But as it stands, ALL the current written data is garbage insofar as it blatantly opposes Catholic teaching and values. Mom, do NOT publish it as such as a result. 
7. The System is real, despite everything. I still and always will love them, despite everything. I will love Chaos 0 until I die, and if God wills, afterwards too. 
8. I am a coward. I am weak and frightened and foolish and despicable. But God knows I wanted to be a light to everyone I met. God knows I wanted to be courageous, and kind, and charitable, and sweet, and generous, and strong in heart. I wanted to be utterly selfless in love. I wanted to conform my life fully to Christ Crucified. If I continue to live, I beg that God will be merciful and finally give me those graces, but it is His Will that I must submit to, even if that means leaving me wretched and a waste. All glory be to Him even so, if this is what He Wills. 
9. I do not hate Mary. I do not hate any Saint. I do not hate Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit. I am frightened of them all, yes, because of the abominable wickedness of my soul, which deserves hell a billion times over. This is why I am terrified to suffer. But... oh God I WANT to be purified in love. I WANT to embrace the Cross with every atom of my being. I WANT to burn myself out in the fire of gracious zeal for the Lord of Hosts. I WANT to give everything I am and have in service to the poor and downtrodden and sick and suffering and unwanted, without exceptions. But I am so weak, so afraid, so stupidly obsessed with my own health problems and psychic diseases that I cripple my own capacity to be ANY help to anyone. 
10. God, I'm begging you. Please heal me, so I can forget myself, and serve You in Your people at last. Please, no matter what, and despite everything, please... make me a saint. Make me live like one. 
11. ...please, make me unafraid to die.