upmc papers 02

[prismaticbleed]

(unknown date)
(after Elinor seizure)

WORKSHEET: EVALUATING AND LETTING GO OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

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The context: Sunday dinner

The feeling: fear, anger, despair, sadness

I have been holding these feelings for (how long): one week at least; years at most

Holding on to these feelings have cost me: peace, healing, love, enjoyment & appreciation

What these feelings have done to me is: made me angry that I had lost touch with ^, blaming others for not expressing those good feelings? unfair, but DISTRAUGHT by empathy; furious that they aren't healed yet, angry at MYSELF for "forcing" myself to do the same; afraid I'm "being proud" or "coldhearted" BY being happy/grateful when they aren't

My payoff in keeping these feelings has been: showing me mindsets & behaviors that NEED healing

The possible difference it could make in my life if I could let these feelings go is: PEACE, HEALING, UNHINDERED LOVE!! the ability TO help others heal BY GOOD EXAMPLE!!! ♥

The fears I have in letting go of these feelings are: "it will be spiteful/ uncaring/ ignorant of the suffering others feel/felt"

Is it possible that I could let go of these feelings?: YES (and I DO whenever I remember TRUTH!!)

Am I willing to let go of these feelings?: ABSOLUTELY 100%

When? RIGHT NOW, BUDDY

In this moment are they gone? YES! They go away WHENEVER I "reharmonize" with GOD'S GREATER TRUTH!!!

If I had the power to replace those feelings with something new I would like to feel: Compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, love, COURAGE, CHARITY, integrity, Service, KINDNESS, GENTLENESS, PATIENCE

And I would like to tell myself such things as: ---

Could I let those feelings in?: ABSOLUTELY, and instantly!

Am I willing to let those feelings in?: YES (they are already within my heart ALWAYS! ♥)

In this moment are those feelings present?: YES, and as long as I focus on GOD they WILL BE ALWAYS!!! ♥

The behaviors or actions that I tend to want to show when I feel these new feelings are: peaceful, mindful actions; smiling; supporting others THROUGH GOOD EXAMPLE, NOT "EATING" THEIR PAIN!! Then we'll BOTH get sick!! (PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!!!)

The words that want to come out of my mouth when I feel these GOOD feelings are: ---

A previous time that I have felt similar GOOD feelings was the time when: ---

Thank you for your loving presence for me to let go.


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(unknown date)
(in green pen. AFTER ashen woke up; references us!! ALSO admitting things iscah would NEVER admit)

Harmful "coping" habits = things that REDUCE overwhelm BUT have harmful consequences!!

1) biting arms
2) pulling out hair
3) scratching/ punching self
4) vomiting
5) screaming (high pitch)
6) refusing to eat
7) sobbing uncontrollably
8) rarely-- burning
9) atonement (now forbidden)
10) stomping so hard it hurts
11) rarely-- destroying objects (forcefully)
12) putting myself into shock
13) completely isolate from sensory input/ people


Positive coping habits = reduce overwhelm AND promote both immediate AND long-term peace, health, well-being, etc.

1) TALKING TO THE SYSTEM FOLKS ♥
2) play a stringed instrument w/o any performance intent
3) go outside & just sit in all the green
4) reflect on past "wounds turned into blessings" (see #1)
5) read hopeful quotes & old good journals
6) read Scripture
7) LEAGUEWORK! ♥
8) hug a plushie or seven
9) go outside and run around!
10) listen to music I wrote!
11) make-believe adventures, esp. w/ toy friends
12) paint a shirt, sculpture, or colorblot
13) get NICE sensory input (peppermint & CHRISTMAS!!!)
14) GO TO CHURCH!
15) listen to choral music
16) look at sparkles
17) BREATHE!
♥


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(unknown date)

FEELINGS

"Feelings and thoughts are a part of everything we do. They are NECESSARY and IMPORTANT. Some days we find ourselves being DOWN on who we are and what we are thinking and what actions we have taken. Other days are GREAT and we find we can do NO WRONG! It is important to be aware of your feelings and thoughts-- and what makes you feel the way you do."
(Both of these mindsets are EXTREMES and are unhealthy as a result. The key is to have a humble, honest, complete picture of yourself, "good AND bad.")

Write a short description for the following words or describe an incident that made you feel a particular way.

BRAVE: confident & hopeful, while being aware of fears/doubts; the conviction to "do my best" despite them

DEFEATED: as if one misstep is a permanent condemnation; overwhelmed by disappointment in self to the point of stasis

EAGER: having positive expectations for an outcome; action-oriented hope & enthusiasm; the desire "to do"

ENVIOUS: fear-based anger at the "good fortune" of another, rooted in lie of "there's not enough for us both," the shameful scared want to take it

GLAD: warmly content & bright, esp. in gratitude

HOPELESS: a black cloudbank; inability/unwillingness to comprehend positivity and wait for the future

JEALOUS: an angry, bitter false-feeling of lack and/or unworthiness, in the want of what another has; rooted in shame? depressed

OVERWHELMED: whirling, flashing, hot & too-close; an unprocessable deluge of sensory input and/or emotion; a high-pitched internal shrieking alarm

PEACEFUL: a placid blue water; clear quiet, concentric ripples // tranquil contentment, the absence of agitation

SHY: reticence to interact with others; lack of confidence in one's ability to "perform" or socialize "properly" and/or fear of being overwhelmed

TIRED: fatigue in body and/or mind, often borderline tearful; the need to rest & recuperate

WORRIED: concern over a perceived/expected (true or not) negative or anxious/unpleasant event/situation, often out of one's control



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(unknown date)
(references system people)

DISTRACTION TECHNIQUES

DON'T WORK (triggering or ineffective):

- Hold ice cubes
- Allow yourself to cry
- Call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line
- Try not to be alone
- Have a hot bath or shower
- Wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself
- Work with paint, clay, play-doh etc.
- Draw a picture of what or who is making you angry
- Massage the area you want to harm with massage oils or creams
- Break the object that you want to use to self-injure as a way to show that you have control over it

WORK (safe and tested):

- Take up a sport or exercise-- NOT socially in these situations (UNLESS Psyche is fronting?)
- Deep breathing (get Kyanos to help!)
- Listen to music (SPOTIFY OR LEAGUE STUFF!!! ♥)
- Go for a walk (outside!!)
- Write in a journal
- Write a letter to the person(s) that have hurt you and express how they made you feel. You can then decide what to do with it.
- Write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be hurt-- FAITH BASED!
- Play a musical instrument -- DON'T PERFORM. just flow.
- Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting -- have Razor do it.
- Do some household chores (i.e. cleaning) -- CLEANER = CALMER!
- Scribble on paper -- WHOEVER wants to. Treasure that.
- TALK TO LAURIE!!
- Go to CZ or Infi
- Play Nier, Dishonored, Klonoa, Sonic
- READ LEAGUE STUFF

UNSURE (untested or unclear):

- Relaxation techniques
- Sew, cross-stitch, knit
- Practice yoga
- Do some cooking or, even better, do some FOOD ARTISTRY


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(date unknown)
(early? check tablet)

SELF SOOTHING LIST
think of it as a battery recharge, buddy)

★ "take-along"; INTERNAL-- don't need anyone else to "fill the need" for you; same w/ THINGS
★ KNOW/ ADMIT/ TAKE CARE OF your own needs, OR you CAN'T DO THAT FOR OTHERS!!! (BLIND)
★ ^PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH!! or you will end up preaching what you practice.

-PUT YOURSELF IN OTHER'S SHOES
-GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD!!

"Self-soothing is a tool to take care of yourself in a rush. It's a great way to make yourself feel good in the face of a very difficult situation. This tool is fairly straightforward, thought it's sometimes hard to remember to do it. In fact, it's so simple that you may laugh and think it won't work.
The most common challenge is when we feel like we should be punished, it's a real stretch for us to do nice things for ourselves. In the end, though, punishment makes us feel guilty about something we can't change: the past. When we're in the midst of a painful situation, the most effective thing we can do is get in a state of mind, where we can fix, get through or accept the situation. Doing something nice and caring for yourself can help you get to wise-mind. Focus on achieving wise mind, and help yourself unlearn the self-blaming, self-punishment mindset.



1) VISION/SIGHT
- GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK AT THE TREES & FLOWERS & BUGS ♥
- Look at Leagueworld art/giftart and/or your paintblot box
- Watch your face childhood films and/or read those Pokemon comics!!
- PLAY KLONOA, NIER, OR SONIC
- Stare at rainbows/ prisms/ crystals/ glitter for a while

What are three things you enjoy looking at?
- Look at League and Spectrum people!! ♥
- GIMMELWALD (always, dude-- one day I'll be able to look at it THROUGH MY WINDOW ♥)
- glittery/ sparkly/ prismatic/ iridescent things

2) HEARING
- Listen to joyful music, esp. choral and "edible sounds"
- GO OUTSIDE & SOAK UP THE SILENT PEACE OF IT
- play around on your guitar, harp, violin, piano, etc.
- listen to foreign languages in lovely vocal tones
- bells, music boxes

Name three sounds that you enjoy?
- That DIVINE upwards glissando-bit near the end of Milliontown
- Handbells, harp harmonics, several Asian stringed instruments, CELLOS
- rain. ♥

3) SMELL
★ GOOD MEMORY CONNECTIONS!! remember what a soothing elsewhen felt like
- get out that box of Christmas candles & stick your nose in it
- GO OUTSIDE AND LITERALLY SMELL THE ROSES
- smell some childhood toys or other "family scent" objects (esp. clothes)

Name three scents that help you calm down?
- SNOW + FOG
- Moss, Arbutus flowers, autumn woods, night forests
- CHRISTMAS!!
- stuffed animals

4) TASTE
★ the SMELLS of foods are FAR more comforting/soothing than the taste?
- CILANTRO, LETTUCE, CUCUMBERS
(work on removing all lingering anxiety from this one!!)

Identify three small things you could use to stimulate your tastebuds?
- punch-in-the-face potent GINGER
- Wintergreen!
- CHLOROPHYLL
- Chai tea

5) TOUCH
- unisalia, flopsy, herald, rosey, celebi, etc.; hug a fluffy friend!!
- rosary beads, esp. big ones, and esp. praying SLC-style
- ask chris, dad, or grandma for a hug
- put on the power bracelets
- make a pomander
- GO OUTSIDE (or inside) AND TOUCH EVERYTHING

What three things physically feel good to you?
- MINKY FABRIC
- really smooth, cold, glossy things
- "sandpapery" things?


★ OPEN YOUR HEART AND OPEN YOUR MIND. don't get trapped inside yourself.
★ KNOW THYSELF!!


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(date unknown)

SELF-ESTEEM TIMELINE

★ focus on the POSITIVE!!!

~2000 = DREAM WORLD! ♥
2001 = STARTED WRITING!!! ♥
2002 = best creative year

Klonoa happened somewhere around here. So did the STRING SHOP & TUDOR BOOKSTORE.

I was always outside as a kid; running through the woods, exploring the mossy backyard, admiring all the little (and big!) flowers everywhere.

I spent most of my time drawing.
I wrote some really great music too?

★ all this ^ is the definition of healthy self-esteem!
just get back in tune with that reality, okay? ♥

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- dissociative troubles from ~2003 through 2017.

★ D.I.D. made this very difficult because I was NOT CONSCIOUS for most of 2004-2016!!!
That time is ALIEN to me, and I'm just stuck untangling the dregs now, in its final blessed absence.

FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ALL THAT CONFUSED PAIN!
You can't act straight if you can't even see straight; you'll just stumble all over!!

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★the little bucket list★
- go to gimmelwald
- learn polish
- GET BIG & STRONG, BRO
- publish a book (or seven)
- learn like, every instrument
- MEET JMC. ♥


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(unknown date)

★ recovery = fixing priorities
★ recovery varies from person to person
★ lapses are NOT "all or nothing"
★ a RELAPSE is getting stuck
★ maintain healthy weight/ nutrition (esp. variety)

★ be CHRISTLIKE and all problems disappear in love
★ FIND THE POSITIVES ♥ (feeling like a "burden" hinders openness)

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MY SUPPORT SYSTEM
Who is in your support system? What role are they most helpful? Least helpful?

★do YOU trust those who hurt YOU accidentally? YOU NEED TO HEAL.
★ HONESTY, TRUST (both ways)

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SUPPORT PERSON
(should have multiple for different reasons/ situations; contextual?)
(talk about different things to dad then grandma, etc.)
★ PROVIDE different support; may be lacking in other support fields
★ should KNOW your behaviors/ rituals to help your BEST INTERESTS and assist/ support you in healing

GRANDMA
GRANDPA
MOM
DAD
VIRAL
DIAMOND
LIGHTNING
FATHER P.

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HELPFUL SITUATIONS
★ What needs CAN this person help fill? What worries & hurts can they soothe? What questions & confusions can they clear?

MOM= hugs, writing/ expression, "lighter" creativity, "magic" re-awareness
DAD= solidity & simplicity; reassurance, good hard work, "don't worry be happy"
VIRAL= philosophy
DIAMOND= sheer fun talk
FATHER P.= spiritual guidance, religious buoyance

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TRIGGERING SITUATIONS
★ What feelings/ needs/ worries/ questions would NOT be wise or kind to bring to that person? What are they unable to give, for their own legitimate reasons?
★NO ONE PERSON CAN MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS. (Only God can do that!!♥)

GRANDPA= any "deep" topics
MOM= bitter feelings, esp. self-loathing
DAD= depression/anxiety, "deep" topics
VIRAL= religion/morality concerns & trials
DIAMOND= any "deep" topics
FATHER P.= venting

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★ DON'T ISOLATE! Be around people at least; get out of yourself; smile more!!
★ TALKING about it makes it REAL/ TANGIBLE; only then can you interact with it to untangle/ REMOVE it
★ YOU ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH THIS DISORDER!!! ("this is me, and THIS is what I need to heal/ work on")

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(on the back of the paper, this was written)


my support system was always INTERNAL
but I'm TERRIFIED to go back to that,
even if it was (and IS)
love, love, LOVE,
incandescent, unconditional, always there,
fidelity itself--

and I want to weep

they're still the only people I can feel like this for
warm and hopeful and courageous and real
alive and well
even in the dark valley.

is God in that too?
is God in them too?
can I love God and other people?

if I need to let go of everything but Him,
if I need to rely only on Him,

(luke 14:26)

what is the right thing to do here?



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(unknown date)
(after the system reawoke)

★"GUARANTEED" SUPPORTS = RELIABLE & CONSISTENT!!

MY SUPPORT SYSTEM (PUN INTENDED)
Who is in your support system? What role are they most helpful? Least helpful?

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SUPPORT PERSON

LAURIE
CZ
INFINITII
GENESIS
XENOPHON
LYNNE
JAVIER
JULIE
LEON
NATHANIEL
WALDORF
JOSEPHINA
HARMONIA
SPINE

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HELPFUL SITUATIONS

LAURIE= "I need to talk this out," "tell it like it is," "I need to remember what Good I've done," EMPATHY, HISTORY, unconditional LOVE
CZ= "I need to feel loved, and totally worth loving." "I need to remember the big picture."
INFINITII= "Show me the light in this fearful dark."
XENOPHON= "I need to conquer this sorrow & fear." "I need to remember that Light DOES shine out of even the darkest nights."


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