prismaticbleed | CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOR (Reply)

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060517
#1

CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOR ➜ SELF INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR

VULNERABILITY ➜ PROMPTING EVENT ➜ LINKS ➜ PROBLEM BEHAVIOR ➜ CONSEQUENCES

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1) What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing?
Self-injurious behavior (PHYSICAL): biting, scratching, punching arms + legs; & tearing hair out at times; slapping self in face

2) What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behavior? Include what happened RIGHT BEFORE the urge or thought came into my mind.
Day prompting event occurred: 06-05-17
Treatment team took me off Self-Select because it took me >45 minutes to decide on a meal & figure out the "correct exchanges" while still 100%-"challenging" myself. They said it suggested "too much emotional distress" (which is true) and said I, therefore, would not be allowed on S.S. until further notice.

3) Describe what things in myself and in my environment made me VULNERABLE.
Day the events making me vulnerable started: 06-05-17, but technically 06-01-17
Feeling like I had failed Team & "proved to them that I really am a problem patient" (distortion); was disgusted with self for still struggling with OCD timing issues like they said; felt like stopping S.S. was "stopping my needed progress opportunities," DENYING me the chance TO heal & challenge those behaviors, as "punishment" for screwing up so badly (distortion).

4) List the chain of events specific behaviors and environmental events that actually did happen). Use the ABC-EF list as follows:
A= ACTIONS // B= BODY SENSATIONS // C= COGNITIONS/THOUGHTS // E= EVENTS // F=FEELINGS
FIRST= Team said I took too much time choosing food
SECOND= I felt shocked & mortified as I hadn't realized this
THIRD= I felt scared because I remembered struggling like this before w/ clothes, shopping, etc.

5) What exactly were the consequences in the environment?
I probably looked like a desperate, manipulative, troublemaking, whiny baby.
I probably damaged my reputation and perceived-image to Team even further.
I probably made Team trust me even less? "Fed up" with my constant problematic behavior, such as "shooting down" their VERY GOOD PLANS for me out of scared paranoia & confusion, not being currently able to grasp/ understand their perspectives as much as I SHOULD, etc.
(Is all the above distorted? I hope, even if that's selfish or greedy)
I made a total fool of myself & proved that, apparently so, I really am NOT ready to move on in treatment, even though I WANT to be… and besides, the thought of eating ONE ON ONE with someone, TALKING along with trying to focus on comprehending the meal, but not being able to "defer" the convo to others, and the HUGE pressure of "picking the RIGHT MEAL" to set a good example & not let them down, all at once, is TERRIFYING.

And in myself?
Absolute self-disgust,
crushing frustrated shame & guilt,
felt like a worthless, hopeless failure

What harm did my problem behavior cause?
Ruined my reputation, hurt my treatment,
was 100% idiotic instinctual whiny behavior,
didn't act maturely & acceptingly & wisely,
guilt/ shame/ despair/ disgust caused self harm

6)Prevention plans:
Ways to reduce my vulnerability in the future:
- ACT WITH MORE INTEGRITY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Then I won't have REASON to be so ashamed & humiliated!!!

Ways to prevent precipitating event from happening again:
- Give myself a SOLID TIME LIMIT for picking out meal items;
- Stop thinking that "I HAVE to be scared of foods because it's EXPECTED of me" when I'm NOT;
- Choose NEW foods w/o that á stupid "challenge" mindset distraction; for me, NOTHING is scary or challenging because I WANT TO LOVE IT ALL-- therefore, EVERYTHING is 100% OK to choose!!!
MY TRUE CHALLENGE is NOT forcing myself to view perfectly lovely foods AS "challenges"!!!

7) Plans to repair, correct, and overcorrect the harm:
- Apologize for my childish behavior & inflexibility
- Actively find ways to practice not obsessing over choice "correctness" to the point of wasting SO much time

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061717
#2

★INFO MISSING; BOTTOM HALF OF PAGE CUT OFF ON COPY MACHINE★

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CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOR

VULNERABILITY ➜ PROMPTING EVENT ➜ LINKS ➜ PROBLEM BEHAVIOR ➜ CONSEQUENCES

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1) What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing?
★ bingeing behavior; "I'm already fat; I might as well get fatter" (fat: "worth," "health")
★ thinking "I like/liked this food;" therefore "I MUST have ALL of it or I am saying I actually hate it"; terror of not showing "love" for as many "unloved/feared" foods as possible; want to be "fearless"
★ taking 4 packets of mayonnaise (would have taken more) because ↑ thought process: "I LIKE it so I have to PROVE it"

2) What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behavior? Include what happened RIGHT BEFORE the urge or thought came into my mind.
Day prompting event occurred: 06-16-17
★ Saw mac&cheese as an option, w/ vegs
★ thought "this was my first SS meal and my fellow patients and I showed "a lot of courage/ strength" in eating it; also I LIKED it, therefore I CANNOT reject it, or I am rejecting that HEALING and "strength"
★ intended to use tons of mayo on it because I used to binge on it in an attempt to "not hate/ fear it anymore"; if I DIDN'T use it, I was showing that I "hated/ feared" it all over again & my "healing" was null

3) Describe what things in myself and in my environment made me VULNERABLE.
Day the events making me vulnerable started: 06-16-17, and also a long time ago
★ pressed to "go super fast," "figure out good exchange combos," "eat as much as possible to get fatter/ heavier" = dissociated; "not me," didn't care; "everyone I know (at home) expected me to be a dishonest glutton so I might as well make sure that statement is true, so I don't turn them into liars/ spite them/ doubt their "true judgment" of me and my motives (this is distorted, but I am terrified that it's secretly the truth) [??? page bottom cut off]
★ seeing lots of foods I felt I HAD to eat NOW because I had liked them at some point in the past, and if I DIDN'T eat them again at this opportunity, I would nullify that "like" and "prove" I was a liar and full of spite
★ feeling fat & therefore feeling I was now OBLIGATED to overeat, to match the "new me"
★ depressed & scared of looming discharge date & eating in a way that I felt would "make my family happy," but being miserable and "giving up on treatment" BECAUSE I was "returning to the E.D.'s home" etc.

4) List the chain of events specific behaviors and environmental events that actually did happen). // Then list new, more skillful behaviors to replace ineffective behaviors.
Use the ABC-EF list as follows:
A= ACTIONS // B= BODY SENSATIONS // C= COGNITIONS/THOUGHTS // E= EVENTS // F=FEELINGS
FIRST= going to self select w/ lots of exchanges on card
SECOND= thinking, "I can't get something easy or simple; that's cheating/ spiteful/ bratty" // Not judging "multiple-exchange" food combos as being "bad" because they're an "easy/lazy" choice= that's a distorted morally wrong!judgment and it's NOT TRUE. Easiness
THIRD= Seeing MANY food choices that I either liked now, liked before, or WANTED to like
FOURTH= felt I HAD to eat ALL of them, or else I would "prove that I didn't REALLY like ANY of them" // I DON'T have to constantly "overprove" my love/ like/ caring; I can STILL not fear a food even if I don't choose it!
FIFTH= felt that "refusing" such "proofs of forgiveness & healing" nullified ALL my alleged "healing progress" // I can't take every option at once. THAT'S FINE. Making ONE choice DOESN'T DESTROY THE OTHERS.
SIXTH= couldn't get all of it as it'd go over exchanges= disobedience, blatant rulebreaking, spite, malevolence // False assumption that I WOULD act out of malice/spite if I made one little mistake= "all or nothing" good/bad distortion
SEVENTH= terrified of disappointing/ angering staff & team by messing up timing/ portions/ exchanges // When you feel THAT scared of "screwing up," ASK FOR HELP/ TELL SOMEONE! Don't let the distortions snowball in isolation!
EIGHTH= felt overwhelmed & didn't know how to make the "right choice" by myself anymore // I WASN'T making MY OWN CHOICE-- I felt compelled to obey old distorted obligations, EVEN if they made me MISERABLE. (DON'T entertain thoughts that make you feel so bad-- EVEN if you feel you "HAVE TO." STOP and ask: "WHY do I have to?" And KEEP QUESTIONING THE RESPONSES until ALL the distortions crumble ---) (THIS HAS WORKED 100% IN THE PAST. Remember ---) [??? page bottom cut off]
NINTH= gave up trying and chose as much food as possible, stretching exchanges as much as possible // DON'T EVER GIVE UP; that's not you!! Also, you DON'T NEED TO ALWAYS "go the extra mile" or "push limits"-- those AREN'T "inherently good" behaviors!!! (In fact, they made past trauma WORSE. BUT that's possibly also why you also fear you HAVE to act that way even now.)
TENTH= added as much "extra" food as I could without betraying my guilt, via suspicion // If it makes you feel SO disgusting/ guilty, STOP! Don't force yourself to "stay miserable" just because you felt it!
ELEVENTH= told myself, "it doesn't matter if you suffer, as long as you are helping/ satisfying as many people as possible" // A DISTORTION, but the OLDEST AND STRONGEST one. It's STILL DISTORTED. When you suffer in CONSCIENCE like this, it's a sign to STOP-- you're no longer being yourself!!!
TWELFTH= needed mayo for fat exchange; convinced self I could pass 4 off as 2 and then take 8 with "+2 leeway" // Yes, I like mayo. That's not a sin. Forcing myself to eat more than I even want is NOT going to change that "sin" fear; just worsen it.
THIRTEENTH= thought, "team judges my healing progress by my weight; this will make me fatter, therefore they'll be happy with me." // NOT TRUE; the weight gain is a RESULT OF PROPER NUTRITION and NOT RESTRICTING/ PURGING. It's NOT about "becoming 'fat'"!
FOURTEENTH= thought the same thing about my family, BUT tied to childhood abuse-- terror took over and I "gave up" // YOU ARE NOT AN ABUSER, EVEN IF YOUR BODY LOOKS LIKE THEIRS. YOU ARE STILL GOOD!!!
FIFTEENTH= sat far away from Sara because I was ashamed & didn't want to disappoint everyone by showing how "bad I really was" // I WANTED her to notice & call me out-- I was ashamed & DESPERATELY SCARED/ NEEDING HELP but too ashamed to ask! Next time, man up & DO SO!!! Be true to YOU!!! Take courage and CHALLENGE those "not you" behaviors when you realize they are happening!! It's really tough but SO ARE YOU. FIGHT TO WIN.
SIXTEENTH= thought, "there's no such thing as 'getting better' because this is my life now = I'm fated to be fat & slutty" // Tied to 14= YOU ARE NOT LIKE THE ABUSER. Even if you are fat, you STILL HAVE A GOOD HEART, AND you WILL "get better" if only you REMEMBER THAT!
SEVENTEENTH= still ate 100% as fast as "politely possible" to desperately show I could still at least do "what really mattered" // That's binge behavior!! And yes, HERE you have to eat 100% even if it hurts, and you HAVE to eat fast even if makes you dissociate. BUT YOU'RE LEARNING. On your own, you CAN eat smaller meals, more often, and therefore NOT RUSH OR BINGE! But in treatment, 45m 100% works in THIS context. JUST DON'T "TWIST" THAT into the wrong context! [??? page bottom cut off]

5) What exactly were the consequences in the environment?
(Lots of distorted thoughts here but I wanted to record exactly where my mind went with this!)
good= showed fellow patients that these foods CAN be eaten w/o fear; they CAN be free of anxiety over them
bad= Staff doesn't trust me anymore

And in myself?
- not knowing who I am anymore
- feeling that I could only "prove I was good & loving" by being "good & loving" to food because other people are scared of it but it's innocent and that's not fair to hate it; I wanted to prove that it was all still deserving of love and wanted to heal ALL of it right now

What harm did my problem behavior cause?
loss of trust
loss of privileges
convinced that this event PROVED that the past 8 weeks were "not real"
realized that even though team said "gaining weight and eating 100%" is real progress/healing, my efforts TO do that even extra, to "impress them" with my "dedication to doing as I was told" even if I was terrified, only made me shut off my ability to care at ALL, because I STILL did everything I was supposed to and STILL TOTALLY MESSED EVERYTHING UP & DISAPPOINTED PEOPLE.

6)Prevention plans:
Ways to reduce my vulnerability in the future:
★ Be vigilant about my thought processes! (I need to remember that not doing 1000% of everything all the time doesn't mean I'm lying about caring. I am ALLOWED to think for myself; and making "easy" &/or "simple" choices is NOT "brazenly spiteful" or "morally lax.")
★ Stop trying to be a people-pleasing hyperperfectionist, and CALM DOWN. Anxiety = dissociation = lapses!!

Ways to prevent precipitating event from happening again:
★Don't do it alone. (the panacea, really.) You have D.I.D. for heaven's sake; WORK TOGETHER!!! Take a 5m break, breathe, go inside where you can BE YOU, and TALK IT OUT! But do stick to that time limit (you can, and HAVE), and whatever Laurie says DO IT. ♥ The past 9 years have proved her good judgment! Most importantly, STAY TRUE TO YOU, whatever that takes. Don't "perform" or try to be "what other people (allegedly) want/ expect you to be." It only causes problems like this one!!

7) Plans to repair, correct, and overcorrect the harm:
R= fully admit my foolishness to staff (we did talk about this; also this sheet)
C= LEARN why I did it // how to correct/ transmute those thoughts // be EXTRA VIGILANT in future situations like this one-- write down reminders & carry them with you if you must!! (PREVENT MEMORY LAPSE)
O= Practice CHALLENGING those compulsions-- next time, don't get ANY mayo, just to prove THAT'S OK!!! You can STILL like it-- AND THAT'S ALLOWED, TOO, even if others hate it!-- even if you don't eat it all the time! (fear of ingratitude/ selfish uncaring) You DON'T have to CONSTANTLY "PROVE" THAT YOUR GOOD FEELINGS ARE REAL. It is OK to like things! You DON'T have to eat EVERYTHING you ------ hate/fear them, OR --- [??? page bottom cut off]