quick update.

[prismaticbleed]

Hey kids.

Just a quick non-faithpasting update because we need to be honest and break this ice.

We've been using prayer as an escape from our problems.

It's true. It's the exact same thing that fueled the eating disorder. It's an OCD-driven "mechanical repetitious compulsion" that "turns off conscious thought" and "puts identity on hold" and the best part is, with prayer you can be a "Good Christian Girl™" while you're refusing to exist as an individual with a history and a future! I apologize for the bitterness of that sentence, but it's what Tilly exists for, and she was driving for FAR too long.
The point is: you can see the chance in recent entries. We're still spending at least four solid hours a day reading & typing on religious topics, but now we're typing about how our own life is involved in those topics. We're talking System stuff when we can, because that IS our soul, and... well. We can't run anymore.
Today crashed into us so hard we thought we were going to actually fracture. But no, the religious obsession stomped everything down. No one woke up. No one was even triggered. All that was "activated" was BULIMIA URGES. What the heck, dude.
But that's what revealed the truth of this to me. Prayer is necessary, yes, but not four hours of it by rote. Our prayer feels far too sterile. And even worse, like I said, apparently we're using it as a spacefiller crutch to AVOID OUR PROBLEMS. We no longer have ANY TIME OR ENERGY TO TYPE, let alone reflect or talk or feel, because we feel terrified of NOT praying in every single spare moment. That isn't real prayer. And yet the moral panic wins out.

Long story short: we need to somehow change our schedule with this. We need to pray without using it as a numbing automation. We NEED to take time to EXIST in the sensible world, too, as "sinful and abhorrent" as the thriskefoni immediately label that as. Is that a Christian mindset, girls?? Or have you internalized more subtle heresies? You think the created world is pure evil, huh?
Hey, stop talking them down. That's not going to change their hearts, it's only going to fuel their anger and dislike of us.

Okay we need to stop. Isn't that ironic. Let us talk.
Listen kids I have formatting to do and while I do that we can talk to each other. We literally don't have the time or brainpower to have a real entry tonight, let alone one about everything that happened today. I know we need to. But that's what this entry is for-- we need to start again, but slowly.

I'm "rambling" again. It's what happens to our brain when it gets so exhausted and overstimulated that it just starts throwing out automatic phrases and generic language, just to "keep the conversation going." It's a social mode survival instinct. It has no helpful purpose here.

We need to pray that we have time, soon, to talk for real on here, with each other, about our heart and soul, not "separate from" our faith but the active manifestation of the essence of it. Religion doesn't exist in a vacuum. If we keep isolating and ostracizing it from everything but itself, it will stay impotent and "we" will continue to be an anxious miserable pseudo-singlet wreck in the body.

Have a good night everyone.