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[prismaticbleed]

 Wednesday. 

Feeling honestly determined to get better for REAL and live 100% FOR GOD. 

Today I actually WANTED to live long, solely so I could worship more, learn more of God, AND suffer more for Him. 

My stay in the ER was so sacred. All that patient, quiet suffering changed me inside, for the better. I am truly, genuinely growing to love suffering, as a sacrifice of self for love, as unity with Christ in the Garden and on the Cross. I've never sincerely loved to suffer until now, having experienced that. I can actually rejoice in trials now, BECAUSE I'm joyous to have them, not as a forced response. 

I'm still scared, sure, but I'm also entirely willing to go inpatient and suffer that massive self-sacrifice-- that ego death & destruction of the body-idolatry of anorexia-- because i can offer that cross up to Christ, and join Him on Calvary. What a blissful privilege! 

When I consider that I could legit die at any moment, at which point I will meet my God face to face, then all worldly comforts & pleasures become utterly hollow and meaningless; they hold no appeal whatsoever. Instead, suffering becomes bliss, for it is the royal road to heaven. To live focused on eternity is pure joy. 

God is finally beginning to pour out this grace into my heart. Thank God!! All thanks be to my wonderful, loving, graciously generous God, for saving me now and always!! For His love has never failed me, not once, and it never will. 

Still awaiting inpatient. Made so many phone calls already. 

Need labs & ekg in any case, how to get?? 

Case manager helping 

New York callback tomorrow! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLESSED MOTHER 💙🤍💙🤍

Father Joe actually sang it to her AT MASS; it was so sweet 🥺 

Visited boys 

Left off cookies. Sacrifice gift. Gotta do that more

Blase gave me the plant butter; hope it works 

GOT ASTEROIDS

Miss my Pokémon so much 

Lost in Wegmans & Redners 

Chronology loops & compulsions 

Felt sick & scared & angry & tired. 

Upset at the "possibilities" recovery opens up for diet

Too much freedom is a prison 

I NEED limitations. But they need roots!

Makes me miss the System even more

(Chocoloco still shows up to forbid those bars BTW)

Type about this in full ASAP 

Apartment cookout! 

Got a dish, just to partake 

Said hi to Paul & Nick

Gotta be more conversational. Like actually sit & socialize with the neighbors 

Too much food. Scared. 

Remember you CAN chuck it in the bin. It's tragic to waste yes but it's even MORE tragic to selfabuse. Pick your battles kiddo