060822

[prismaticbleed]

Another depression hell morning 

Said prayers for an hour. Miraculous help 

Ate at 6pm 

Got cash

Bought food

BK not worth it

Still it is UNREAL the vivid flashback memories I get from tastes ONLY. No wonder I keep using food as a psychological aid. 

Small binge

Super sick? From mayo & beans

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2306809/jewish/Immanent-Transcendence.htm

"...all the child can surmise is that the old man is either a sandwich maker who paints, or a painter who makes sandwiches... Although they were both made by Leonardo da Vinci, the sandwich is just a sandwich, while the painting embodies something of Leonardo’s very self."

ACTIVE VS PASSIVE "SELF" EXPRESSION = I'VE BEEN STRIVING AFTER SANDWICH CRUMBS MY WHOLE LIFE.

True self shadows can be seen in the sandwich, but the painter does not require a sandwich to express his soul, nor CAN it. But thr painting Can ONLY express his heart, and exists FOR that purpose. Etc.

"The painting isn’t just something that Leonardo happens to have made (i.e. the sandwich): it is an external embodiment of all his vast genius, even if the observer can’t see it."

TYPE ABOUT THIS!!! 

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2788328/jewish/Everywhere-Revealed.htm

DIVINE LIGHT VS DIVINE WORD

Also "if I knew Him I would be Him" = ESSENTIAL Knowledge of God ONLY THROUGH CHRIST. 

"Nor does knowledge of Torah and the divine will dictate that your character and behavior will be transformed accordingly. Such hypocrisy is possible because we live in a differentiated realm, physically, conceptually and psychologically; in a realm where knowledge – however deeply assimilated – will always remain an external imposition on the subjective sense of self. But when you arrive at the undifferentiated essence of all being, the distance between the knower and the known must inevitably collapse. In R. shalom DovBer’s words:

Even with intimate conceptual knowledge, through knowing it one does not become it, and it is possible that one might be utterly different. So it is also regarding revelations of divinity. But regarding the essence of divinity, if one could conceivably know the essence one would actually become the essence."

Etc!!.

THAT ALL FEELS SO IMPORTANT 

in other news i am so so tired of binging. 

Its exhausting. Even just broccoli and oatmeal. It hurts and I'm tired. 

I'm still debating a psych ward admission. Afraid of what will happen in there though. I'll have to pray about it. 

Don't go yet, I hear. Keep trying. Have faith. Okay.

Also "go to bed" good point haha its 1am ;______