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[prismaticbleed]

Sunday

MORNING WAS HEAVEN. So much church!! ❤❤❤❤ 

But

Ate breakfast too late. Almost 4pm.

Triggered a panic attack 

Went on a Loose change grocery binge 

Miserable 

Ate too much canned meat again. Why am I craving it?? 

Nutritionist compulsion obedience?? "You need more protein!!"

Plus weird "splagchnophage" issue STILL. Something borderline "sacred" about eating MEAT, viscera especially. feels sacrificial or something. Wires are definitely crossed. 

Burrito & spicy tuna (OH NO THAT'S A TRAUMA TRIGGER!!)

Fish & beans mix "id rather you throw it up than throw it out; that way at least it meant something to you" ouch

Hit hard. Need self examination 

Got DEATHLY SICK from the sugars 

Why do I forget?? 

Talking to Laurie late

Again upset about her laxity. Color debate, go back towards indigo?

I said no, its the "relationship" thing that the Jays exacerbated. She DOESNT NEED to be that close, IT BREAKS HER FUNCTION!!! Honestly I feel SAFER and HAPPIER when there's that "armor distance" between us and THAT is what we must get back.

We've ALL gotta "die to our selves" concerning who we were from 2015-2018, approximately. We got SO lost & corrupted. 

I remember Chaos talking about unconditional love at some point. He has been, often, at night. It means a lot. 

Reading Bad Guys at midnight 

Book 10 was LEGITIMATELY TERRIFYING, in two ways: the gang losing themselves to power & pleasure, and that DEVIL DOOR. That dialogue had me in frightened tears. Reminded me WAY TOO CLOSELY of the Razor Days.