oct 17

[prismaticbleed]

 

Just a thought.

I have time. It's weird, how new that feeling is.
All my life I guess I felt pressed for time, like there was never a future for me. As a child I could never imagine myself as an adult. Ever. I know that much of our past. Part of that was gender dysphoria, sure, but remember we were convinced we would die at age 20 until we hit that birthday.
But I digress. This is creatively-centered, now. We have time... and it's wonderful. I've been pressuring myself to get everything done now-- no revisions, no idle time, no room for mistakes or second-guesses. And so I've been running. I have. I'm scared, to face that beast I've created. That's not creativity. It's control. Nothing can grow in that environment.
But time, time has bloomed today. I was scrolling through some Dishonored extended-universe lore online, and... the creators left so much out of the game, things that were in the works for years, things they were still building. It's amazing. And it made me realize, geez, they didn't start working on that game five months before it was published. That seems like it was in development for years, even just theoretically, as a seedling idea. It took time, it's still taking time, and that's great.
I never gave myself-- ourselves, the League and I both-- that luxury before?
I can make mistakes. I can play with ideas. I can theorize, I can speculate, I can question. I can take a wild concept and run with it, see if it collapses or continues after a while. I can be free, and so can they, all the people I am writing about. I don't have to be "perfect," not by that definition. I don't have to be flawless, impossibly so. I can allow for messy evolution, and it will be all the more beautiful for it.

...Growing up that "no spare time, no second try" mindset was hardwired, I guess, especially with the Dream World first draft. I adore that first draft. It was gorgeously childlike, utterly without boundaries, this freewheeling thing of sheer imagination and rainbow jumbles of inspiration. I loved it. But every time I mentioned it, the mother would say... "you have to finish it soon, so you can publish it!" Always demanding a finished work. Always. "How much longer are you going to take?" "You have to end this sometime!" Always finality, always a nail driven through the foot trying to move forwards. I didn't know how to explain to her that none of these stories were going to end, not literally, not really. In a linear sense yes, the back cover would close, the film reel would spool out. There would always be a set beginning and end to the material aspect of it, to what was eventually bound and given. But you cannot contain the entirety of those worlds, of those lives, within such a small container. I knew that, just as well as I knew that I had to find a concrete pair of points to work from nevertheless. But even as I struggled to do so, I was told that I had no time. "If you don't do it now, you'll never do it!" Damn it we were a child, an infant juggling universes, what in the world were you demanding of us? Our own mind was only just beginning to open to the broadness of those tales, we couldn't comprehend the whole story that early...
Is that a poor excuse? If I never stop working, never stop loving, never close my eyes, am I still making excuses for not having a "finished product," however limited its content may be in the grand scheme of things? I feel so guilty, and yet, I don't.
I want time to explore, and play, and love and learn, with these worlds. I cannot repeat myself enough, I've never really been able to do that before. Ever. I've... well, Jewel might have, back in 2001 and 2002. That's why so much happened then. But I don't know. For me, I've been demanding perfectionism, not realizing there was always another, better option.

I'm excited, but it's perfectly tranquil. It's like reaching the top of a hill and seeing a broad expanse of fields and hills and flowers, but instead of shouting for joy and running straight into it... I'm sighing with tired bliss, smiling fit to burst, and following the meandering patterns of violets down the hill. I'm stoked as hell to continue this, absolutely, but... time. It flows, it broadens this, it paints it this gorgeous ocean-teal hue, promising that as long as I continue to take steps, however little, it will support me like the tide at my heels. It's hard to put into words. It's just so nice. I'm glad for this.

Where to start. I'm laughing, I already know, there are too many threads.
When in the world did I become so infatuated with the "pre-storyline" cast of Dream World? All those individuals who paved the path for the Guardians I met as a child, those people whose existences and effects weren't revealed to me until years later... I'm talking Justice and Revenge, Opal and Sage, Ementain and his siblings, Nebisai and his fellows, even Deropele. Maybe it's specifically the fact that they are all the foundation for the later heroines and heroes, the ones I met first, without knowing how or why at the time. Maybe it's specifically that very sense of sprawling purpose that I love. Seeing their lives slowly branch out into something infinitely greater and more connected than a single point, is amazing. It's like drawing a map of light, like tracing networks of veins and rivers with my fingers. All these pieces forming a masterpiece when you step back and glimpse just what the bigger picture is. So
But then even the new guys are so wonderful, gosh I love them. Maitru and Preludove and Dakeep and Pagotamiar and Hissiamese and Psyquatro, Azurai and Kaiiko and Aquazille and Karavi and Sapphius and Iridicel... names that have defined my life more than my own has. We have time. We have so much time, to get to know each other better, to learn and discover what I couldn't until now.

Sorry if this is a jumble to read. I'm just... profoundly relieved. I think I can get so much more work done now, if I'm not demanding "instant final results," all the time.
I'll still share the shareable pieces online, of course. Honestly the questions we've received so far, however small, feel euphoric. They are wonderful catalysts. I'm still mulling over at least two, as they are things I've never really thought about until now and that shocked me to realize. It helps, massively.
I'm laughing, though; the only thing that doesn't help is the fact that three of my favorite characters ever are major, merciless spoilers. I absolutely cannot talk about them freely right now and it's driving me mad, ironically enough. But that's motivation too. Work to get to that point.
I miss the Parnassus crew too, they're wonderful, their world is surprisingly rich too and that's exciting. Hokthai is putting feelers out again, but that one's trapped under a truckload of expectations and fear, so I'm thinking of freeing it up a lot in the near future. Heck every Leagueworld is still glowing, none of them ever stop feeling totally blissfully alive, there's a whirlwind of color in my chest from them all and it makes me so, so happy to realize that I don't think that's ever going to disappear.
I have to stop thinking so hard. It's midnight and analytical or concrete thoughts utterly fail at this hour anyway.

Life's been good, lately, if only a tad dusty. That feeling means we need to go inside and upstairs more. We need to push at the grey walls of daily life a little more. There are big changes on the horizon, I can feel them, massive personal shifts... but no idea when they're going to hit on a linear scale. Perhaps that's up to us, for the most part.

It's late, I need sleep. I want to get up early and read old notes and just... write. Sketch. Whatever. Weekends have an awful psychological mire to them usually and I want to break that up. We'll infuse joy into this, all of us, everyone.

I want to send some of that joy, that quiet warm light, to all of you tonight... so let these words be an offering of it, with love.