072014

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

I have HAD IT with these floating voices.
I don't care if they're right frighteningly often. I don't care if they insist they are angels, messengers of god, "divine authority." I don't care if they claim to know every possible outcome for my life, and insist that I "obey even until death."
I can't tell the difference anymore. Some of them laugh at me, mock me, berate me, scream at me. Some of them attack me when I don't listen.
I'm sick of not being able to drive because the shouting and arguing won't stop. I'm sick of not being able to buy food because I always end up standing motionless in an aisle for 30+ minutes, waiting for them to make up their minds. "Don't buy that, it's unholy." "Don't buy that, it's wrong. It's poison." "Buy this, it's what you're supposed to eat." "You have to eat this, it's holy, anything else will ruin you." Et cetera. Then when I do choose, someone says it's wrong, someone else demands it's right, and the arguments start all over again. Then when I get home and try to eat it, a veritable battlezone breaks out. "If you eat that, you'll die." "If you eat that, I'll kill you." "Don't you dare throw that out." "Don't you dare eat! You have to fast!" "You heathen. You blasphemer. You whore." And so it goes. 9 times out of 10, I end up shaking, sick, and vomiting, not knowing if it's my fault or theirs or something else entirely. I lose so much money. I never know what day it is or what I'm doing or what I even want anymore, other than peace and quiet. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sit in silence. I'm tired of this noise.

And then, against all logical sense, Laurie barges in to scream at those hyperzealous voices and they turn tail and run.
Then it's just her, leaning on her axe, angry but forever concerned.
"Kid, are you okay? What the heck are they doing to you?"
Suddenly life feels right. Suddenly the disordered mess of my consciousness shifts into total perfect order, clicks into the shape of a violet hexagon. Where moments before there was suicidal despair and frustration, now there is only the zero-point hum of coherency, of community, of real understanding. We work together. That's so much better than following the random orders of invisible false-prophets, who damn me to hell for daring to question their supreme knowledge. When Laurie shows up, or Spice, or Javier, or Lynne, or Emmett, or anyone else, suddenly I don't care whether or not we have the "absolute truth" being handed to us from some outside force. I'd rather make a decision together, even if it's complete guesswork, because it feels more honest than the commands ever did. I'm willing to risk failure, and consequences, as long as we're responsible for them. Because we tried. We did our best. It wasn't just me, doing what I "had to do," disobeying "under penalty of death," and then being outright demonized when I hesitate, or mess up, or otherwise fail. It's terrifying. Life is a living hell, at this point... or at least, it is when I'm out of headspace.

But people keep telling me, "you can't feel that way." "You can't think like that." "You can't say that." Not even should, or "it would be better if"... no, it's always a flat-out "you CAN'T." It's a straight-up denial of what I am feeling or thinking or doing, because they refuse to accept that it's occurring.
I tell them I hear good and bad voices.
"No, they're all bad. You have to get rid of all of them."
And so I've abandoned the people I love, leaving me trapped with these religious devils, who won't leave unless headspace comes back. And when they do, I'm joyful, even if I'm exhausted and tired, but the moment someone outside hears that I'm "talking to myself" or to "some invisible person" or that I'm "still hearing voices"... what do I get?
"No, you can't." "You need an exorcism." "Stop that shit, or we'll send you back to the psych ward."
Et cetera.

I am really, really, really freaking tired of this. Pardon my language.


That's all I want to say for now. I have to run a few errands right now anyway, and I'm going to listen to FROST* on the way because I really need to lift my mood, haha. I don't want to give this nonsense any more attention than what is warranted to acknowledge it, and heal it.

Hopefully I can still go to therapy on Tuesday at least, because I really want to tell her about this. See you then, if not sooner.