may 22

[prismaticbleed]

 

Dream journal for May 22nd, 2014.

(cannon and razor totally trashing the house. started in my room, bros using game systems in there, were taking over my room as their space too. feeling of not being allowed or able to have anything of my own. very frustrated and sad, prayed 'please temporarily move me to a timeline where this won't be permanent or something, then there was this massive internal switch and CANNON took over the body (physical switch too. started destroying television and game systems, eager about it but also angry as hell. then went into the hallway, walked into kitchen, suddenly razor took over and giddily flipped the kitchen table over. mum and grandma sitting on chairs by wall, brothers at bar, all just watching with a sort of numb 'oh, so this is finally happening' look, like they knew I would snap eventually and they could not stop it as it was due. razor went to the sink and started looking for 'her knife,' my bro was washing dishes and she kept checking them all, even taking them from him, I remember being shocked because she was interacting totally without explaining herself. she almost cut the fingers a few times looking for her knife, cannon took over frustrated because razor was getting distracted and cannon was still furious. we were holding the black-handle "butterfly edge" knife, big one. cannon turned to face the women, not wanting to kill them, that would be an unnecessary hassle. I remember mother asked something weird like 'why didn't you snap sooner' or the like, not sure. all I know for sure is that cannon ended up saying two things: one, that jessica was dead and had been dead since at least 2008-- a revelation which got a quick look of shock and then an accepting nod, like "I thought so"-- and that there were tons of other people living in that body now besides herself. that bit was preceded by the mother asking who she was, why did she exist, something like that-- cannon had said essentially, "when the main consciousness couldn't stand the pain or the stress or the rage anymore, part of it broke off and one of those parts was me." the mother really looked like "ah, now I understand" then, sort of a revelatory look, nodded to herself, distant eyed. cannon was oddly emotional all of a sudden, still angry but now with a sort of sad pain that i recall feeling below the surface. she turned then and started stormily walking back down the hall, woke up somewhere around then)

 

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@ 11:01 pm

 

Well, I just had an entire entry typed up, and then the browser crashed and didn't save a draft. I'm really sorry about that.

Today's been like that, really. The disembodied religious voices were haunting us all day, telling me what to do and how to do it, swearing at me if I disobeyed or doubted and demanding total blind devotion to be a "good boy"... and I still don't know if I should listen to them that completely or not, because they ARE right 95% of the time, which is scary. I'm just hesitant to obey anything that spits slurs at me when I don't listen, and gives me body shocks and pain to 'punish me.' This is daily life now, and I hate it. I'm scared of disobeying them because of the consqeuences. But Laurie says that they do NOT have my best interests in mind, and to not listen to them. I'm trying. They just keep pretending to be people I care about... just like Julie used to, under the Tar's power. And it terrifies me because, is this the Plague?? Is this internal, even if those voices feel external? I don't know. But if this is what the corrupted White does, then I swear to you this is just as bad as the Tar, just a different context. This is hell and I am so stressed out, constantly, from it. I want it to stop. On top of therapy dragging up old demons that we're still struggling to handle, this is intolerable. So we made a decision.

Within the next two weeks, optimally, we will be admitted to Sheppard Pratt's trauma center in Maryland.
We made that decision as a collective. No disembodied voices told us to, no family members forced us to, no strangers goaded us into doing it. No, we gathered our info and we thought about it, and we decided that yes, we really need that right now.
Hilariously, we probably would have chosen to sooner IF I hadn't been falsely convinced that their place wasn't identical to the crisis unit we were sent to in 2011-- fluorescent, stark, and dangerous, with three hours of therapy per week if you're lucky. Thankfully, SP is not like that! So already it's a huge relief.
The thing I learned today that made me say "yes" wholeheartedly, was that since it's a trauma center, there will be awareness of us as a System, as well as people around 24/7 if we need help, AND there's a ton of therapeutic stuff all week. It's a place for healing, which we need more than anything right now, and which we all want.

We need to do another System census soon. We seem to have lost a few people, and gained awareness of a few more. In any case we haven't talked about that facet of us lately and we should. Plus I still owe you guys that map/flowchart update from a month ago or so; I apologize, but again that's sheer data and we might not be able to post a full coherent entry on that until after SP. I have a feeling we are going to learn a heck of a lot there.

I did spend a lot of time with Xenophon today. She was a total godsend, and kept a massive abusive meltdown from happening. I am so glad she's alive even if I don't understand much about her yet. I don't care. I love her. I really do.

Battery is dying and it's late, this chair is terribly uncomfortable, I'll update more tomorrow.