070913

[prismaticbleed]

A legitimate question:
Is it wrong, immoral, or otherwise reprehensible for me to feel as if something isn't quite right, upon hearing my mother and grandfather shouting and yelling about how "those kids will never amount to anything" because two of us struggle with mental conditions, and then insisting that anyone who receives disability or aid instead of working (even if they are incapable) is "stealing their paychecks" regardless of why they're on it?

Because it doesn't feel right. I'm not angry, or offended, or indignant. I'm just... confused? Not even hurt, just that it feels bothersome inside. Like they shouldn't say things like that, it's too unfeeling. I don't know.
I feel guilty for asking for help because of this. Yes, Genesis and Laurie are helping me with classes right now, but I've failed out of college three times already, and I'm praying that this isn't the fourth. All three of those times were because my mental condition became so distressing that I could not function, even if I DID go to class and do the work to the best of my ability. There came a point where I just could not do any more. My best was not good enough anymore.
It's the same thing with work. I don't remember my past job, but I will admit that I am hesitant to apply for a new one now, because of my current state of mind. I'm trying to err on the side of caution here. Even at home, if someone so much as bumps into me by accident, 85% of the time I'm either going to crumple up in a sobbing heap, or scream and literally attack whoever or whatever hit me. Neither of those mindsets are "me," but they ARE other people... and those people are not good with daily life. One of them starts skyrocketing the stress levels as soon as she sees fluorescent lights, because they frighten her so much she feels her only option around them is to run, or destroy them. Not a very good situation, considering that the only way to "calm her down" is for the AP to come out and make the body go catatonic for anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours (according to recent experiences).
But I feel horrifically guilty, selfish, lazy, and loathsome for even expressing doubt in my ability to function well in a job environment. Is that merited? Am I really that bad?

Anyway it distresses me to see my brother going through this. He gets severe panic attacks that make classwork difficult for him. I think it's crushed his motivation, as he often doesn't bother to do work anymore, because he feels it's "useless to try" when he's "just going to pass out in class." I'm not saying that's a good mindset to have. I've tried to help him deal with that to the best of my ability. However, it has not changed, and regardless of the causes for it, it still doesn't feel right for my mother to tell him "you're doing nothing but wasting my time and money" whenever he says he doesn't think he can do something. He's a brilliant kid, a huge inspiration to me, and I hate to think how that makes him feel.

I'm tired of hearing nothing from my mother but regret, rage, and even hate concerning the fact that she had children. She wanted six of us, before I was born. Then once we all got older than age 5 or so, suddenly we weren't "cute little babies" anymore, and we became a burden; we became leeches, parasites, a curse. We began to steal away her livelihood, her savings, her time, her health. We destroyed her simply by existing as her biological offspring. And we learned to hate ourselves for it, without ever understanding why we were never given a choice to do anything differently.

I don't know. I feel sick right now because of something I ate (I'm learning that I can get extremely ill from very small amounts, so I have to be super-vigilant again), so I might just find a quiet place in the house to do my Speech homework until my mother leaves or goes up to the attic or something. I don't exactly want to be in the same area as her right now, not with the misguided fury she spat at me earlier. Honestly that doesn't faze me; I see no point in wasting my energy on someone who insists on being irate at the world for the sole purpose of self-righteousness and pity. I'd rather just leave the room and let her say what she wants, to whoever she wants. It's not my problem anymore, and I'm just beginning to accept that it never was (I don't quite believe that yet though; I still feel responsible for her actions, which also strikes me as utterly ridiculous, but hey).

In other news I MIGHT try and join an OCT on dA soon. I've wanted to give one a shot for almost 5 years now, and think it'd be fun. We'll see.
There's too much for me to do right now to just sit and idly type, though, so that's it for now.