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[prismaticbleed]

 

I don't know how many times I've seen the joke phrase "You're just jealous because the voices talk to me," but I can't help but wonder what the alleged jealousy is all about.

 

"The voices" talk to me ALL the time. They're not all nice, though. Most of them aren't, it seems.
As a kid I'd have faceless angry people scream at me to the point where I'd be in tears, clamping my hands over my ears in a desperate attempt to drown out the noise between them.
As a teenager it was better, as those angry voices went away for a few years, and instead I made a few new "imaginary friends"... please pardon the term, guys. I couldn't make any human friends in elementary or high school, because I was always either talking to or about my nonhuman ones.
I remember 8th grade, how the girls in my class thought I was nuts because I refused to say videogame/ anime characters "weren't real." How could they not be real, I said, when I talk to them every day? We go on adventures together, we're best friends. Of course they're real!
And my 4 years of high school, those were spent with Genesis, my muse and BFF, talking and laughing together as we walked down the halls, ignoring the strange looks we got.
The problem is, when I turned 17, all the "angry voices" came back too.
Life's been hell on and off since then, really.

 

So there's my point. After 6+ years of living with some voices that honestly want to kill me and HAVE TRIED TO, I cannot imagine why someone would be jealous of me. This isn't fun, you know. I have legit PTSD and can't talk about it because I got it from THEM, those abusers I could never run from because they lived inside my head. That's not something most people are willing to believe.
Even worse, living with all the "nice voices" can be torture at times... there are so many of them and although I love them, I just get so worn out from moving back and forth between the physical world and their reality. But ignoring them for days or weeks-- consciously or unconsciously, because my mental condition is awful-- does nothing but damage all those involved, making it harder to repair friendships and relationships alike when I finally apologize and stumble back into their lives. I'm always so damn tired.

 

Sorry for the rant, I've just wanted to write this down somewhere for a while.
I have a lot more to say about this, now that I think about it, but it'll be going here obviously... funny how a random text post on Tumblr can help put things in perspective.