033113

[prismaticbleed]

 

tw: all sorts of stuff, so please watch your step.

Okay, I told myself I wouldn't do this, but I feel too scared and unsafe not to anymore.I had at least four self-abusive meltdowns today alone, and narrowly escaped another one just now by retreating to my laptop.
I unfortunately happen to be somewhat dissociative, so I often "lose time" during abusive fits and recover later only to find myself nauseous, dizzy, and bleeding. It's gotten to the point where I do NOT feel safe alone in a room with myself. Ridiculous, maybe, but it's made life a living hell.

I've been seriously entertaining suicidal tendencies for several months straight now. Attempts have been made.
I've been getting "triggered" by more and more things as well, as I'm losing my ability to cope. I tried to get dressed today and had such a bad flashback from the physical contact that I ended up sobbing and hyperventilating in the corner of my closet instead. This went on for about two hours straight.
The bad voices are back. I'll leave it at that.
I'm starting to drink in secret and have considered more drastic escape measures. It's worrying to look at in writing, but honestly I feel too hollow to really give a shit anymore.
I am finally seeing a therapist but my next appointment isn't for another week, and he's new so there's no actual dialogue occurring yet. Until then, I dread to consider what my mind will put me through.

Long story short... I think I need extra help.
I apologize profusely for asking, but it's the cold hard truth. I CANNOT do this alone anymore, not when "I" have become the most dangerous person in my life.

If anyone is willing to talk, or listen, or offer advice, please message me or reblog/reply to this, if you can.
I may not respond right away; I am awful at communication as I feel I do not deserve to discuss my "fake problems" that revolve around my "fake self-identity." I'm at that point where I really don't care about my well-being very much; I want to sleep or die, but some lingering sane part of me is making my type this nevertheless. So I will try to follow through on communicating, the best I can.

I am very tired but I am also in a lot of pain, and very scared. I will likely be online until it dissipates enough that I can sleep, which may not be until 1AM if I'm (un?)lucky.

Thanks for reading.