032623

[prismaticbleed]

 
(unfinished, unrefined. posted from phone to fix later)




Exhausted morning
Couldn't think straight. Almost late to Mass

Ran to st John's, back for rosary
"Why is God letting me be late? Does He want me to miss prayer?" Felt like spite; scary. Reminding myself "that's not His character". If He DID make me miss the rosary then He has a GOOD REASON for it, not spite or "payback"

Mom call when we had just put vitamins in mouth
UNBELIEVABLY TRIGGERING to talk while "eating". Legit rape feeling

Small psychoemotional collapse again. Very difficult to recenter. Body forcing heavy dissociation to cope

Leon and the frankly PERFECT eggs
Razor approves (she was able to cut them the way she likes)

Genesis is a "healthy snack" injoke
no idea how or why he started that whole thing but everyone was laughing, we needed that


Verse of the day pondering. A favorite in concept but one we never quite grasped properly.

Bible Study Exodus 14
pasting to take notes on:
"Fear, anxiety and distrust were pulsing through the hearts of the Israelites as they fled through the desert and found themselves stuck at the Red Sea. They had trusted the Lord, but for what?... as the enemy and the oppressor advanced towards the Israelites, the people began to blame Moses and doubt God. In the months leading up to this moment, God had shown His power through the plagues that brought Egypt to its knees, culminating in the Passover and freedom for the Israelites. However, in this moment, suspended between an army and the sea, nobody paused to remember God’s faithfulness and might. All they could see was their present, and very real trial... Sometimes, in the face of our current, and very real challenges, we forget everything that God has already done for us. It’s easy to lose sight of His faithfulness and begin to blame people or things for our situation. Doubt can settle in and we are enticed to step back from the life of faith that God has called us to. Are you facing a challenge right now? Has your faith been tested or has doubt attempted to overtake your heart? Faith looks back on all of God’s faithfulness and powerful deliverance. Faith also looks forward, beyond the present trials. Despite whatever troubles, challenges or impossible situations you may find yourself in, remind yourself that God is powerful and mighty to save. He has been and will always be a rescuer and a redeemer. Like the Israelites on the shores of the Red Sea, you may not see a way right now, but God can make a way. You may not know how, but you can have confidence that He will."

We never "understood" their behavior until now= Egypt was the bulimia, the Red Sea is all the illness that followed? But "DON'T TURN BACK"!!!
Proper hope= in GOD'S UNCHANGING GOOD CHARACTER, NOT IN ANY PRECONCEIVED OUTCOME BASED ON MY OWN OPINION OR LIMITED UNDERSTANDING

Broke dish onto dinner prep
Had to toss
Felt like God's discipline

Want to screamweep. Stuck in this awful not-me birthfam girl mindset. Feel trapped in birthlife and old house. Damned to be a fleshly singlet. Do not want this.
Don't want to be mad at mom but the frustrated heartache is translating to such in the absence of processing.
WE NEED TO JOURNAL ABOUT THIS STUFF
EVEN MORSEO, WE NEED A XANGA.
We must talk to EMMA & NIA, ADELAIDE, WHOEVER THIS WHINY BIRTHFAM GIRL IS, AND WHOEVER THE HECK TRADFEM GUTLESS FORNICATOR GIRLS KEEP CAUSING BLOODY DREAM HACKS

Back to church for Gorzkie Zale
Radio talking about scrupulosity
Humility says "if not for God's grace and help I'd be even WORSE"
Service went well but SO MANY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, distractions from postmeal brainfog, and massive identity collapse from all the family stress & looming terror.
Neutral girl corpufoni kept pushing through. ALWAYS wanting to "shut down the System" and delete all evidence of us. But they have NO PLANS OR COMPREHENSION of HOW THEY WOULD EXIST after that. I'm tempted to call that "sugarcoated suicide" because that's the gist of it. They think that if they annihilate everything to do with a sense of self, ESPECIALLY of one separate from society-- how ironic-- everything will be perfect and THEY WON'T HAVE THE BURDEN OF INDIVIDUAL EXISTENCE. These are the girls who enslaved us to the eating disorder. They're demons with dresses.

Unbearably depressed, felt like I wanted to crack my guts open and shriek with misery. Very alien feeling, not me at all. Feeling so lost.
Didn't want to go home and risk triggering out any negative coping foni.

...
I miss being in love without all these feelings of hateful shame & disgust & damning scandal.
Still torn to shreds over those three nights of inexplicably "pink" dreams. Need a better term btw. But... I'm honestly ANGRY more than anything??? Because half the time, THOSE GIRLS ARE PLAYING A ROLE WITH HIM. They feel like "love" is a concept superimposed on them and they DO NOT LOVE HIM. they only feel that unnerving "bland girlfriend" programming that drove the entire Q hell. There's NO ACTUAL PERSONAL EMOTION.
They want to "be a good girl" without existing as a person. They could NEVER BE WITH HIM. It's why HE'S NEVER ACTUALLY THERE.
With me it's the complete opposite. I have memories of him. They DON'T. They honestly CAN'T. And God willing they WON'T, EVER, because so help me I WON'T LET THEM ANYWHERE NEAR HIM.


...

Laundry panic attack
Randomly decided to do rugs
TERRIFIED that they were going to make the washer explode
So anxious we wanted to vomit & die
Had to go down & sit in the laundry room "in case we had to stop the machine if it caught fire" etc. Wrecked with nerves.
Again feels like divine punishment for something. All of these events literally feel like crosses: death sentences for some unpardonable crime we committed. We did something so heinous today, that God said He would burn all our clothes to ashes, punishing us for doing laundry on Sunday, by making the washer explode. That'll serve us right. Have you learned your lesson yet?
And inside some typical Jessica foni starts to scream in tears, "WHAT LESSON YOU'RE NOT TEACHING ME ANYTHING YOU'RE JUST BEATING ME BLOODY AND I'M SCARED"

Being in this laundry room smelling the soap is probably going to set off the dyspnea wheezing again. We're so tired. We feel like Job. "God why are You attacking me so? Why are You treating me like Your enemy?" Is it because we ARE??? Despite the sacrifice of Christ, are we STILL God's enemy? Why? Because we're not straight or cis, even though we've tried forcing, but that feels even MORE sinful from the blatant dishonesty?
You notice it ALWAYS comes down to that? "God is going to kill us because we're queer." Hate using that word but we do because it's a halfslur and we deserve it. It's an ugly ugly word. we want nothing to do with it. but the bloody label is nailed to our skull regardless. remembering the family talking about "those disgusting trannies." how that felt like being injected with poison. "dirty faggots" and "those gays are going to hell" and all that. still haunting us even though we stay far far far away from the community at large. doesn't mean those stupid flags don't apply to us regardless.
and God hates us because of it. that's always the bottom line. "you're SUPPOSED to be a straight white cis femme woman in an actively sexual homemaker marriage with babies and aprons and makeup and all that garbage" etc etc etc we would literally have a psychotic breakdown. i'm sorry. it would be such a blatant LIE to live like that. and we KNOW that because we TRIED!!!!
(no idea who is typing its all a blur)


Heart hiccuping. Too numb from panic to care. Almost wishing we WOULD die, just so all this nonstop screeching fear will be over.
"The LORD has not given us a Spirit of fear." And yet ALL our fear is of THE CRUSHING FIST OF GOD. We live our days typically in cowering fright, walking on eggshells around the Divine One, knowing that He is SO IMPECCABLY HOLY that the very thought of our existence merits total & instant annihilation. Like in "Spirited Away," how humans had a "stench"-- that's how we feel around anything Good. We're just junk. We're garbage.

How the heck did Jesus become HUMAN.
We've been struggling catastrophically with the increasing weight of our humanity lately, literally and figuratively.
The inner foni-- nousfoni at their purest-- are LOCKED INSIDE for the most part, else they risk fatal corruption. That's what happened in CNC, in all its explicit horror. But corpufoni are LOCKED OUTSIDE, bound to the body, and with NO internal presence-- no imagination, no sense of eternity, no concept of selfhood other than in the mirror.
The body feels like something unnatural and extraneous, a gross slag of flesh strapped onto us like a garbage bag... or more accurately, like elephantitis. The whole bloody thing literally feels like a cancerous misgrowth, especially the reproductive parts. The chronic dysphoria we get from that is intolerable and enough to shut our brain down from existential horror.


I know we need to be humble by being so keenly aware of our gross humanity, But at what point does it just become self loathing to the point of even further sin?  What is the difference between true humility and still believing that you can be saved and that this body can be resurrected, And whatever the heck this is where I feel like I'm so incredibly filthy and wrong and Deformed that I don't want to live in a body that looks like this forever. And that is frightening because then what hope do I have for eternity?
God help us. 

...

body weak and shaky from not eating
julie fronting for most of dinner prep??? why is SHE so easily able to front when we're wrecked??? is it because she has such a powerful overlay and an ancient anchor???

eating hurts all the time now. we're so tired. hoping it's just stress. we're always running. can't just sit and relax; the stomach is always in knots from panicky fear and schedule pressures. so so so tired God please we need rest so badly. please please with easter let us at least have a break, at least for the week of easter. we'll need it to cope with the inevitable onslaught of raw GRIEF that is going to slam into us like a freight train

typing for a while tonight. needed to catch up. no archiving, but want to. that always helps our heart, even when it hurts.

tomorrow is going to be a debilitatingly rough day. weird schedule, very hard to orchestrate timing. inevitable social exhaustion; WAY too much one-on-one interaction required. god give us the strength to endure.


(unfinished)