Dreadfully troublesome days... and yet...

[prismaticbleed]

Really, no one says it better than my dear friend Johnny.

 

...I actually took a day off from school today because I was too sick and depressed to face it.
Pretty bad, kids. Pretty bad when I'm forced to give up one of my weird escapes just to escape.
Paraodixical.


But...
...This rollercoaster of life is starting to tire me out.


I'm still frantically worried about college.
My father is still giving us problems with mom's divorce case.
We've got terrible financial problems all around.
I'm sick, tired and half-dead every fishing day now.


My brother was admitted to the hospital for severe depression.


*buries face in hands*


Yes. That's my problem. If you've been on dA you might've guessed that was my problem.
I'm... so worried about him.
Back before he turned 14 or so, he was such a happy, energetic kid... and I miss that.
I miss the times he'd run to me as his big sister.
I miss the times we'd just hang out together and talk about random stuff that made us laugh.
I miss the times when he'd actually smile.


But now... I don't know what happened...
I miss him. I miss him so much.


And yet I'm still happy he's there.
He's getting help, and he needs it.
Hopefully when he gets back he'll remember how to smile like he used to.
It would be nice.




Speaking of!!


I was sobbing my heart out again today. Geeeez.
All my worries kind of hit me at once, and then my mom & grandmother started blowing up for the same reason and directing their steam towards me... so I kind of broke down.


Meh. This stuff happens at least once every week. Usually Sunday morning.
I'm used to it.
But I'm not happy with it.
And neither is my closest lifeline.


Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero.


So I'm off to violin lessons, trying to sleep while blasting "Hall & Oates" on my CD player on a whim, and out of nowhere he decides to show up.
Well. He was pretty cut up over how I was feeling.
So, we started talking like we always do... but then Chaos pulled a fast one on me and my entire night took a sharp right for better times.


I'm sure you all know how I like my honesty hard and to the point, no sugar-coating, no fancy frills. Just solid honesty.
Chaos gives me that better than anyone I know.


He asked me if I was suicidal.


I stared at him in abject shock for a moment before exclaiming "of course not!!", but he was leading up to a darn good point and that question was at the heart of it.
Oh I want to give you all a recap so badly. Wow. It was one of those seriously inspirational conversations where you are changed forever afterwards, in one way or another.
But I'll cut to the point...
...Once we had settled everything, once we had determined what my situation truly was, what I was doing wrong, how I should really be handling it, and all that... for the next forty minutes or so I was absolutely, sincerely happy.


Worry-free. Gosh is that a nice feeling for once.
But yes. Chaos brought my optimism back, and he and I worked out this huge plan of action which begins with being more open and communicative to those I love.

I've got to stop being so closed to you all, simply for the fear that I'll hurt you.
I'm hurting you by not sharing these worries of mine with you, by making you feel helpless.
I realize that. You've all told me.
Aaaand I've got to stop throwing all these worries at you in the first place. Holy heavens.




In other seemingly unrelated news...


You know how Johnny C. has that funky Irken-ish hairstyle?
My hair is starting to do that. I kid you not.
I swear it's not intentional!
It's kinda cool but awfully creepy...
If it's another sign of how similar Johnny and I are, then Chaos' worries (which I didn't mention here)-- and mine-- are much more vital than we thought.


Jewel the egocidal maniac. Oh boy.


Oh, and on that above note.
I think it's a very good sign that life hasn't gotten bad enough for me to start writing entries on Xanga.
I've gotten pretty dang close, specifically tonight and the day I started my Xanga, but not close enough.
*looks up* Thank you God. At least I haven't burnt out completely!
Still dancing around it, that edge of my sanity... still dancing through the waves of life. Oh yes I am, Johnny.


(By the way, Johnny boy-- don't listen to Rev. Meat OR Mr. Samsa. They've both got the wrong ideas and I don't want you getting lost again. If you don't already know what I'm talking about then stop by tonight or tomorrow, okay? I just want to help you like you've been helping me.)


*humming the Invader Zim theme*
Ziiiim. *hugs the little bugger*
He's so fishing adorable. Plus he keeps me smiling.


Which is nice! I need to smile, and I need as many people as I can helping me.


*pokes Johnny and Chaos*


Oh how I love the "enter" key.




*hits it some more*














And, um.... I think that's it, actually.

 

 

 

I've sure been having some dreadfully troublesome days lately...but I won't let them get the best of me.




I'm Jewel Lightraye, and I'll get through this! Mark my words!


Good night!