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[prismaticbleed]

quick update so i dont lose this train of thought.


lately our days have been choked by nonstop fear, fear, fear. feeling like God is constantly "shoving us around like a schoolyard bully" or "treating us like a furious parent", which is all totally unbiblical but the fear is there nevertheless.
agoraphobia becoming unbearable. cannot leave house without the panicked screaming conviction that every car behind us is following us, or a cop, we're going to get mugged and raped and murdered, when it's dark outside it's worse, we feel like we are going to die any second. the car will break down and we'll die. someone will shoot us through the window. we'll have a stroke or heart attack on the road. every person around us is not just a threat, but an active danger to our life. everyone wants us dead. everyone is mad at us. everyone is trying to kill us. it's unbearable.

couldn't say a rosary again today. brain too unhinged and unraveled. rosaries are 30 minutes of nonstop recitation and heavy focus, which is so utterly draining i actually wince at the thought of saying them often. i;m sorry. i do like the concept. sometimes we can get rolling on the sorrowful mysteries and that's always very good spiritually. but it's EXHAUSTING. every single time. it wrings us out. God i'm so sorry i skipped it again tonight. pleaseplease give me the strength and gracce i can't do a single thing without you

and thats why im here at quarter to 2 in the morning, again

my life is useless.

i was sitting on the couch randomly listening to jacob collier. gosh we remember discovering his youtube when he first started publishing music online, back when we were in college. amazing kid. legit god-given talent beyond words.
but. we're so completely hollow that here we are listening to "in the bleak midwinter" and other people are sobbing and we should be too, the real us would, but we can't even hear the music. like literally we can, we're not physically deaf, but... we didn't "hear" anything. like the world was on mute inside. eveerything feels like that lately.
existential crisis. all religous. always relogious. apocalypstics

cut our hair today
PRAYED about it. panicking again. felt the weight, the heavy, prayed God what do we do
"answr"" we got was "don't go to a salon, you can do it yorself"
we ARGUED about that, so so scared of dpign it on our own, mistakes wrong, scared. kept getting "no do it on your own"
God are we even hearing You or are we just even mocre crazy than we realied
so we went home.got the kitchen scissors. started to cut.
cut too much all of a sudden
so we cut it all off. everything. virtual buzzcut
scary thing?
WE FEEL MORE "FEMEEININE" THAN WE HAVE IN EYARS
its' fisturkbing distufrbing like drunk. so girly. no hair but we feel lIEK A GIRL why. why why
not complaning though??? weridly' the "body voice" likes it??liek she likes this. short hair feel like female. boys have longer hair why this???
anyway worse dissoonance than ever now jay can only front in tbhe HEART not in the body. avoiding mirrors because we don't kow who that is now. it's not alana she has the old hair. this is new person. we are scared of them scared of what they migh do body voices are ALWAYS HACKERS AND YOU KNOW IT
NO LISTEN. LET ME TALK. LISTEN TO ME. DON'T YOU DARE CENSOR ME.
YOU ALL KEEP FORGETTING THAT THE INSTANT WE START "IDENTIFYING" WITH THE BODY, EVEN "AUTOMATICALLY," WE END UP BECOMING AN ABSOLUTE BEAST. AND YOU KNOW THIS. EVERY SINGLE "GIRL" THAT DROVE THIS SKELETON AROUND HAS BEEN THE QUEEN OF SOME ABSOLUTELY FATAL VICE. THIS ONE IS NO EXCEPTION, I CAN TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW. IT'S IN THAT HIDEOUS FACE. IT'S THAT DEMONIC FACE I CAN SEE THE EVIL IN IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

okay okay please wait stop

we went to eucharistic adoration
night drive so scared couldnt breathe
way home actually sobbing from terror nearly collapsed shaking at apartment door
never never never dont want tod rive in dark evenr ever againeplase please
anyway adoration. no one else looked like our body like us
everyone very very "common" looks. boy face boy build. girls long hair round hips scary. but so so so nice. girls are actually nice on their own juST NOT WHEN WE'RE TRYING TO FORCE OURSELVES TO BE ONE
stop not you
stop
someone is a girl. in the body. but they all like girls every one
even the "boy likers" are faking it. they have no emotions everything they do is hollow and scripted we know this.
realizing too much of that today. how many of our socials are literally just running on programs, fueled by fear and anxiety or mania and rage. i cannot think of a single social that is healthy. not readily at least. and that is very concerning
stop going into data mode that is bad too you know!!
too much bad havit people with no feelings. no emotion just talk. just judgment and cold callous. sad. hurts to see and feel and be arohnd

today
got home ate terrified sick. thought god was mad at us still triying to kill us.
sent us into numb fear state collapsed on couch INTENDING to pray rosary but dnt knw what happened
ened eddeup on yorubte??? youtube dont like it. should delete it but no divine mercy chaplet. so stuck
but lots of religious videos. "conspiratcy theories" they say. and "apocalpypse" always.
but. all about how gay and transgender people are "antichrist"
we are scared because we agree at this point by what we see. the peole are SCARY. scary scary sacary. do NOT want to be like them doNOT DONT WVER EVER WANT TO BE ASSCIATED WTIHI THEM. NO. no no onono
so

terrified at that. because we DO like girls and our body is a girl. bcuase we DO feel half boy and never ever felt like a girl not liek that. so scared and confused. dont want to be like the "lgbtq" mvoement people BUT also so scared of that "black and white" mold that they are offering instead on the christian channels? like you are SUPER BOY or SUPER GIRL. very masculine or very feminine. polar opposites. no wiggle room, no "gray area" no different people. nobody like us allowed. bad. we are a "sin"
anf we ar e so scared.
even a video. a VIDEO OF ALL THINGS SYAING "IF YOU ARE A FEMALE BOD AND YOU CUT YOUR HAIR IT IS BLASPEHYM AAGSINST GOD" HWYWHWYWHWAY AHT AWH AWHTW HW WHA T
stopi
stop wow
NO NO SOCIALS GE THE EH EHLL OUT OF ABWHERHEEHRE

stop

we are unhinging i think

but the point why we are typing
turned off phone and just sat there for a second
lost a lot of time. like three hours. dont remember it. just vague awareness of stupid videos regret gretregret. bad. not guarding our mind. toxins corruption pollution. so so sorry cant take it back god help us
sitting there feeling nothing
after watching jacob collier and all these other musical people and these christian people too, well spoken and intelligent and kind and full of "testimnoy"d and faith. good popele
and then us
stupid stupid out of shape talentlness hack jerk sinner queer faggot cut hair short moron sinner going to hell worthless.

ourlife is worthless

we are nothing.
even this dumb stpid hournal. all you stupid stupd voice

DON'T YOU DARE.

someone still wants us dead?

someone who
someon
the saome kind of someone who killed
who
SAY IT IT'S WHAT THEY DID.

the they murdered everyoen. almost everyone. phone desk kitchen callnnono ca nonnonn blood everywhere,. city crumbling

always want dead dead "in the name of God" burn it all down start over "just me"SELFISH HYPOCRITICAL DEVIL

did that after north carolina too
mailed everything burned everything deleted everythinggone. start over. erase it all fogrget it all.

THE SCARIEST PART IS THAT IT ACTUALLY ALMOST WORKED THIS TIME.

yeah i know we were aslepepe very veyr long time.

but
the point! it's 2am someone was very sad wanted to record this

"i am a waste" they were thinking "my life is a waste, an absolute waste,"
mother used to call us that
DON'T SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT HER.
sory ! i'ms orry but it has to be said we are sad she said it but it affects us now eve.n, so have to be honst about that
or is that still bad?
I DON'T KNOW.
DOES IT MEAN WE DON'T REALLY FORGIVE HER IF WE STILL TALK ABOUT IT
i dont know
btut she sait it. "you are a waste of skin." quoting star trek she said? we wdont know. but she thought it was funy. made us very sad.
IT'S NOT TRUE. IT'S NOT. I SWEAR IT'S NOT. YOU AND ME ARE PROOF.
no that's what this empty couch person was sayig thouh!! to them we are NOT proof ouch big leters.
YOU OKAY?
yes no capitals sorry.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE. WHAT WAS SHE SAYING.
that her life "my life" is a waste. "waste of skin. waste of time. waste of breath. waste of life." "worthless." lots of that feeling. sitting there realizing we have "no talent" "no intelligence" jnothing. nothing that makes us valuable or worth anything.
ACCORDING TO WHOM, THIS CRUEL WORLD WE LIVE IN??
i guess but also themselfe. they beieve it very much. scary feeling to feel. "my life has no meaning no purpose i am a waste of life." BUT ouhc but they !!!! but!!! they also said "but!!! God does not waste anything. so that has to include me." and that was the last thing they tohught
THAT'S... ACTUALLY REALLY HOPEFUL. ESPECIALLY FOR A SOCIAL.
but. still makes me sad. torealize that they see /us!!!!/ as a waste. like we are the aste of their life. "those stpid archives" they thought. angr. want to delete
DONT' THEY FREAKING DARE
sont dont' swear!! jay says no bad words especially not that one. it's a very bad one
I'M SORRY I GUESS IT'S INSTINCT
i know we existe for reasons. you exist for shout angry feeling. truths though honest. we just pick up bad words from around. need to learn new words i guess!

anyway
very empty hollow tired sad dead.
dont know how to life in the world anymore
everything feels wrong. so wrong

other scary note
person realized ALTERS so to speak were the ones to "do worthwhile things" in the past. BUT they decided they WEREN'T ACTUALLY WORTHWHILE???
like in the past. the kids wrote music, wrote stories, wrote poems. drew comics and pictures and even painted. talent for acting and speeches, learned how to sing, played instruments, ran for miles. did all sorts of "productive talented" things.
BUT then this person thought "BUT GOD TOOK IT ALL AWAY. AND GAVE IT TO OTHER PEOPLE." "i have nothing left i am hollow. he emptied me out so i have nothing left but him."
and they want to KEEP IT THAT WAY
so
tjeu
the want they want us dead.
they dont want us typing. or singing. or doing league things. they want it all dead.
"just god" they say "i am a worthless piece of dirt garbae nobdy. and THAT is who god loves and works through. it's all i have. i have nothing else noting else without god i am meaningless i deserve to die forever"
"nothing in my life has any value"
"my entire existence in this world has been pointless"
except for religion but even they feel they aren't doing that right. like with the hair. and god mad at us making us drop and break and spill eevryhing. so so so scaed. passive aggressive pnishment like the parents. you are wrong wrong wrong going to hell but not going to tell you why!! you should already know why you bad child. mad mad mad at us all the time wont talk to us eever just push around scary scared

GOD ISN'T LIKE THAT
IF THAT'S THE GOD YOU SERVE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR FCKING HEAD ON STRAIGHT
AND REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN HERE AND GUESS WHAT, WE BELIEVE TOO.
SURPRISED, HUH?
DIDN'T THINK THE "VOICES" COULD HAVE FAITH DID YOU

your faith isnt real youre not real
none of hyou are real you are demons. you are lying to me
you are liars.
liars.
god only created ME i am the real one. this body is MINE

JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?????


stop pleasestop
this is all out of order

we need to stop.
we need to wake up in the morning

don't want to.
wish we were i was you were dead

I CAN EASILY MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

oh all of it good good riddance


STOP
stop
not here not now do that later after

no time shut down

----

i'm tired of everything. every single day is a void.
honestly, if i didn't have to go to church in the morning i would just sleep in forever.
HOLD UP. YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE, DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO CHURCH. YOU'RE DOING IT AS A HOLLOW COMPULSION. DON'T YOU DARE TURN OUR FAITH INTO A FARCE LIKE THAT. LET SOMEONE ELSE FRONT YOU NARCISSISTIC HEATHEN.

oh no body face matches jezebel!!!!! :(
WHAT
WHAT????
oit does it eodoes does look!!! :( :( short hair bad face girl. dark black evil. very dangerous
OH NO.

what do we do then
WAIT FOR THE HAIR TO GROW OUT, OBVIOUSLY
well jay was looking for wigs. he says "losing the mindset of egotistic focus on "just one of us"" basicallty? like if we let other people inside front but no. he said bad idea. indoors cant go outdoors they die. we learned that.
BUT OUR "OUTDOORS" PEOPLE ARE FREAKING ANIMALS.
yes that isbad. hm. still need to fix that too. need good people in body
HOW. IF THE BODY'S DEFAULT INTRINSIC APPEARANCE IS INSTINCTIVELY "DEMONIC" IN OUR EYES. LIKE WE CAN'T LOOK AT THE REFLECTION WITHOUT SEEING THE FACE OF A SERIAL RAPIST. THAT'S HOW WE SEE THIS TERRIBLE FACE AND BODY. GOD HELP US.

scared stuck pnunichsmnet for tcutting the bhair it must be
"grow it out long youre a female if you dont have long hair you are d a edevil!!!!" sad bad scared wrong
THAT'S STUPID TOO, WHEN THE BODY HAD LONG HAIR WE WERE JUST AS VICIOUS IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
IT'S THE FACE THAT DOES IT
what do we do

god when we die will we go straight to hell? and look like this forever?
if we keep this body forever what do we do are we damned forever
we;re cery very scared rreally we are
the tought thouhtght ouf looking like this forever, of having abody like this for ever!! is a hell feeling!! very scared!!!.
like our fear when jewels were children. "i am scared to die because what if i come back trapped in a prostitute's brain." like we already felt. at war with the body. but that is the fear now. we are trapped in thisbody that feels like a wild animal we cannot tame we are stuck in this skull at war terrified and now werre being gtold this BODY is what is going to be eternal????? not us???? "you must look female absolutely female and be one act like one fit the scrupt because ONLY female females are going to heaven""" is that true??
so scared of this face
even more scared if boy though. becaue swe we are not. tap intp wrong energy feeling. all wrong. dont want to be the male man boy either. all wrong. do not like culture boy bad wrong. family scary wododon tdont want to be like them no bu girls worSE Worse WORSE
want to just be us. but told that is bad wrong broken stupid sin.
so tired


our life is a waste


don't
DON'T LET THEM DELETE THESE ARCHIVES.

they should be deleted they're all godless garbage

I BEG YOUR PARDON

they are youare all self-idolatrous jerks

LOOK WHO'S TALKING, MURDERER



annocantoac cannto typing agonoynremore. cannot

sleep