113023

 

So exhausted and confused sick. Body crashing i think

Mom call about Jade
Drop-off around 1130
Forgot OJ. Guilt crushing

BK at 230.

So burnt out dead, can barely think. Want to cry from sheer fatigue

Evening =
We are legit addicted to high-resistance biking. It must be another trauma-coping response. It's emulating the terrified hyperarousal and "run for your life" reaction.
But I've noticed something else, something very interesting and alarming.
Since we started doing this high-resistance biking, we've become distressingly emotional. We're having angry-helpless crying paroxysms, having mini tantrums from sheer frustrated despair. It's like we're a teakettle screaming all the time, unable to release anything but pressurized steam.
WHY IS THE BIKING DOING THIS????
Not only that, but IT DOESN'T EXHAUST US ANYMORE. We get hungry for MORE effort, and we don't want to physically eat at ALL, although our body does. We're constantly angry and weeping, wanting to destroy everything violently and then sob so hard it tends the very rocks. What on earth is going on.


Mom called the INSTANT we sat down to eat. AGAIN. Honestly it is uncanny how her phone calls LINE UP with our mealtimes, and that's not a good thing because then we get DELAYED by like 20 entire minutes and that's a HUGE chunk of time. Then we can't sleep, can't bike, etc. Why is our schedule so watertight that the slightest "interruption" throws us into an absolute panicked fit? Our poor mother has to deal with that from us CONSTANTLY because she always wants to do stuff and take us along, and we just want to stay home and have everything be controlled & predictable & tidy & efficient & ordered properly. No room for variables. No unexpected events tolerated. No spare time allowed, everything must have an assignment. I repeat: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY LIKE THIS?
But... we don't want to snub mom. We need to spend time with her and we want to, both as her child and as a Christian. But our bloody schedule keeps getting in the way.
We have to go to mass. We have to say 2 hours of morning prayers. We have to exercise. We have to prep our meals all at once. We have to eat all at once, alone and quiet and uninterrupted. Et cetera. Remove a "have to" from our routine and we quickly nosedive into a nervous wreck, desperate to flee and quickly "catch up" to time lost.
We cannot cooperate or compromise like this. We have no real flexibility. We can't be spontaneous. We cannot even leave the house except for church functions.
I don't know what to do about this yet. We can't solve this problem from a mindset entrenched in it. Still... God keeps having our mother invite us to things. We'll have to say yes, and just... surrender the details to God.
We need to involve God more. How ironic. We never think of asking Him for help or direction or advice with our schedule stress. It's because we're afraid He'll say, "well you SHOULD be spending another two hours in prayer, you know," or "you don't need to exercise, you could be reading the Bible," etc. We're terrified that He WILL "make it worse," because God NEVER gives "relief from suffering"; He WANTS us to suffer & struggle so we have something to "offer up". To seek ease & relief from tribulation is to reject the Cross. So if we DO dare to ask, then He will justly respond with a chastisement. If we whine about the weight, He will make it heavier, to humble us. That's how it works.
...It's so sad though. Sometimes I really wish I could talk to God about this, without being humiliated & ashamed & guilty for feeling frightened & overwhelmed & confused in the first place. I'm so afraid of being sternly scolded & then "marked" as the "problem child," the one who will take a mile if you give her an inch, so give her extra discipline to keep her in line. It's for her own good. She's too weak; she mustn't be coddled or given reprieve.
And you know what? I DON'T WANT TO BE, DARN IT. I'M SO BLOODY TIRED OF FEELING TYPECAST AS LITTLE MISS MILKSOP. THAT IS NEVER WHO I WAS AND YOU KNOW IT. I was always the tomboy, the firecracker, the jester, the spitfire-- I never wanted a princess life, I rejected everything dainty, why the hell are you writing me as a pretty pansy now??? Why is THIS what happened when they killed all the "man" in me, because "good Christian girls" must be TOTALLY dependent on and subservient to men???
THIS IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING THAT CAUSED ALL THE ORIGINAL SEXUAL TRAUMA BACK IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YOU HEATHEN!!!!

ALSO DON'T FORGET "YOU'RE" MULTIPLE AND HAVE BEEN SINCE CHILDHOOD YOU IDIOT


Night =
Noticing snowflakes, "glitter in the dark". Made me think of Mimic. Accidentally pinged him so strongly he actually looked in, half asleep, asked what is reminding me of him now? I pointed to the snowflakes, he gives me the look and says "why."
I said its because you wouldn't think they would catch the light at all in the dark, it was surprising to notice, and only visible way up close. But it was beautiful to see.
Mimic said nothing for a moment, then generally stated "well, you said it, so I won't argue" and walked back out with the subtlest smile
I then added, basically, "Laurie, i would say that you're like that too, but that's not actually true. You're not so dark anymore. Now you're like the daylight."
Her expression in response was just... gold. Thank God we still feel this.


BTW don't forget Spotify wrapped today, and the unexpected sword-to-the-heart chronological snapshot it gave us

We get 20 MINUTES TO SIT DOWN THANK YOU GOD because tomorrow is First Friday and family is also busy so we're gonna be crushed with exhaustion. Lord get us through it. You always do.


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Universalis today.

"After Andrew had stayed with Jesus and had learned much from Him, he did not keep this treasure to himself, but hastened to share it with his brother. Notice what Andrew said to [Peter]: "We have found the Messiah, that is to say, the Christ". Notice how his words reveal what he has learned in so short a time. They show the power of the Master Who has convinced them of this Truth. They reveal the zeal and concern of men preoccupied with this question from the very beginning. Andrew’s words reveal a soul waiting with the utmost longing for the coming of the Messiah, looking forward to His appearing from heaven, rejoicing when He does appear, and hastening to announce so great an event to others. To support one another in the things of the spirit is the true sign of good will between brothers, of loving kinship and sincere affection."
1) The life of a Christian is one of fellowship & sharing from the very beginning. Nothing about our faith is meant to be "kept to ourselves-- and especially not Jesus Himself!
2) We must hasten to share what we learn from Christ. This should be an instinct for us, a drive, yet freely & willingly done, with all eagerness. We must love God so much, and our neighbor so much for His sake, that the very thought of depriving our fellow man of the joy we have received is intolerable. We must evangelize because we love. It is like a fire in us, seeking to give light and warmth to all it can. My point is: if we receive this treasure of faith and don't feel any impetus to share it, but cling to it privately, then our 'faith' is a selfish & impure & cowardly thing. It is a lamp under a bushel.
3) "FOUND." He had been looking for the Messiah, with the ardent hope and goal OF finding Him. He hadn't been looking "just to look," out of curiosity, like so many modern "seekers" do. 
4) Andrew was convinced of the Truth by Christ Himself, long before He had any public influence or status or testimony. All he had were John's direction, and the Lamb of God. That was all he needed-- no philosophical arguments, no stories of repute, no political acclaim-- just Jesus alone, Himself the only Witness required to His Own Truth. And how? By BEING. That's the Power Christ alone has. All His Words and actions, however good & true in themselves, are but expressions and emanations of Who He IS, beyond all language or human deduction. Andrew was convinced because his heart had been sincerely seeking God, and suddenly God was there in flesh before him. His very soul recognized Him, inevitably so. He knew he had found Him. He was convinced by grace, because he was open to receive it when it came. And how?
5) Zeal, concern, & preoccupation!
I think it's safe to say that, on a very real level, Andrew's daily life was constantly focused on seeking God. It would have to be, for him to "find" Christ at all-- you don't ever stop searching for your heart's treasure, even for a moment, if it is truly your treasure; you will always be preoccupied with it, however quietly. So was Andrew, searching for Christ.
...
6) Waiting with utmost longing, Looking forward, rejoicing, and announcing
7) Spiritual support is TRUE goodwill & brotherhood!!
...


"Immediately Andrew heard the Lord preaching, he left the nets by which he earned his living* and followed the giver of eternal life. ℣. Andrew endured his suffering for love of Christ and his law,* and followed the giver of eternal life."
1) the nets. Nets are meant to catch things, things get tangled up in them. The world is a net. But Andrew "earned his living" by them. So do most of us. Our jobs, our careers, our life pursuits become "nets" that just tangle us up, and keep us trapped in the world, even if they "put food on the table" they are eating us alive at the same time. That's what's so important about Andrew's reaction-- he left the nets. He abandoned his "daily bread" to obtain the True Bread. He left the world to follow its Creator. He untangled himself in the very act of choosing Jesus instead. He gave up his earthly way of life and found the Way of eternal Life.
2) giver vs earning. Andrew labored with his nets day and night, "earning" his living by the sweat of his brow, the very curse of Adam. But Jesus gives life. He removes the curse. Andrew no longer has to "earn the means & right to live," as it were, in a cutthroat world. He no longer has to worry about how he's going to survive. Christ now gives life entire, imperishable, free of charge, bought with His Own Blood, and the Life He gives is His very Self-- it is not money, it is not privilege, it is not anything earthly. Life is a Person, a relationship, that lasts forever, and Andrew does not have to do anything but follow Him in trust.
3) Andrew's endurance was his following. the keyword is "love." This is how we follow God, only love, and love is proved the most clearly and powerfully in suffering.


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Books

MDE is beautiful =
"To be able to become bread! To be able to nourish the whole world with His Flesh and Blood! I am terribly selfish and fearful when faced with suffering, but if I could become bread to save all humanity, I would do it. If I could become bread to feed all the poor, I should throw myself into the fire at once.
No, the Eucharist is not something strange: It is the most logical thing in the world, it is the story of the greatest love ever lived in this world, by a man called Jesus.
When I gaze on this bread, when I take up this bread into my hands, I gaze on and take up the passion and death of Christ for humanity. This bread is the memorial of His death for us. This bread is the trumpet call of the Resurrection, through which we, too, shall one day be able to rise.
This bread is the living summary of all God’s love for man. From Genesis to the prophets, from Exodus to the Apocalypse, everything is yearning towards this terrible mystery of God's tragic love for man. God, who made Himself present in the first covenant and yet more present in the Incarnation, becomes still more present in this mystery of the bread of life."
1) I love how simply yet profoundly the first line is phrased; it puts into shockingly clear perspective just what the Eucharist is and does. Jesus becomes bread. He becomes food for the whole world.
2) It's a true sign of the spark of God in all of us that we have this instinct, despite all our selfishness, to want to become bread too. Ask any parent. Ask any lover. Ask any child, even. If we could "become bread" to save even one soul from starvation forever, we would do it in a heartbeat. This is the impulse of God. This is what the Eucharist is, to infinite perfection.
3) "It is the most logical thing in the world." It really is. People talk about "love languages" and half-joke about "peeling oranges" for others but it's true. Look at a matron cooking meals for her extended family for hours on end, day after day, with a smile on her face. It's such a basic need, such a primal gesture of care. "I will feed you because I care about you, and I want you to live, and I love you." Of course God would become food for His people. But for Jesus to do this so literally, so perfectly, to become bread-- it's the most beautiful thing in the universe. It's the purest and profoundest love.
4) PRIESTS GET TO HOLD HIM LIKE THIS.
5) The Eucharist is a sign of the resurrection. That shocked me. Of course, it is a sign of His Death, and that is inseparable from His Resurrection-- but how we forget that so easily!
6) "this terrible mystery of God's tragic love for man." What a gorgeously aching sentence.
7) The Eucharist is covenantal. It is the most perfect Presence of God to man, even moreso than the Incarnation. Think about that!
...


"St. Irenaeus asks, “How can anyone say that our bodies, which are nourished on the flesh and blood of Christ, are brought to perdition? Our bodies, tasting of the Eucharist, are no longer corruptible, but have the hope of resurrection.”"
That's astounding. THEY ARE NO LONGER CAPABLE OF CORRUPTION. This is "common sense" when you realize WHY-- it's because THEY HAVE FED ON CHRIST. The literal atoms of the Eucharist, the Real Presence of GOD, have nourished these bodies and become an actual physical part of them. The Flesh & Blood of Christ, inseparable from His Soul & Divinity, have been our Bread. He CANNOT decay or corrupt or fade away, ever. He IS eternity, He IS Life, He IS salvation. He IS the Resurrection! And when we receive Him in this most blessed Sacrament, WE TAKE ALL THAT INTO OUR BODIES. It's amazing. It's on purpose. God WANTS that to happen. This is how He saves and transforms us most directly, most astonishingly. He changes us from the inside out, by the power of His Love, embodied in His Son, Present in this Sacrament, and now in us.


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VOTD = Psalm 119:2.
"We have a revelation of God's ways when we make His Heart our passion-- when we say, "God, I don't want to just know about You, I want to know You."...There's a lot of us who know God's faithful acts, but take the challenge to press in further, and ask God what is His Heart, so that you would know His ways. When you know His ways, then you know how He will respond-- and you can respond like your Father."
Every time I read something like this I want to cry.
We want this SO BADLY. Honestly I think in a very real but suppressed way we ALREADY HAVE THIS. Deep down, when we stop hiding and running and doubting the truth out of fear of feeling, we must admit that YES, HIS HEART IS OUR TRUEST PASSION. We aren't living that truth as completely as we want to, no. But it is the truth. It's the kernel at the center that cannot be denied.
We're so tired of mechanical praying. We're so tired of spending hours every day just reading articles and "doing the dailies." We're HUNGRY FOR GOD. WE WANT TO KNOW JESUS. We want to TALK TO HIM. We want to sit down and READ ABOUT HIS LIFE. We want to HEAR HIM SPEAK. We want to HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. We're so sick and tired of just this intellectual awareness of Him, this historical education, this ironically heartless datahoarding. The thriskefoni that bury themselves in prayer cards and chaplets and religious emails don't know Jesus as a PERSON. It's so sad. But we never knew Him before, especially not growing up. We never realized you COULD have a relationship with God, let alone that such a thing was ALLOWED, until very very recently-- again, probably the past two years, tops, and with the past year alone being one of the most spiritually potent we've ever had, if not the absolute trophy winner.
But the point is... we're still running circles around the goal. We're still avoiding our heart's desire. WHY.
It's because it's too headspacey.
Read that next line. Press in further. Ask God what His Heart is.
As far as we know, the thriskefoni cannot do that. Their anchor, our religious upbringing and experience, don't include that sort of intimacy. It's banned. It's blasphemous. It's sinful, to even consider-- to them, ANY intimacy, ANY closeness of that sort, is WRONG.
And it's absolutely one hundred percent what the System is ABOUT.
That's why there's this "civil war" going on. The religious voices want to declare a crusade and coldly erase all of us from existence because "we're not God." Whereas all of us inside, although we aren't as "pious" as they are, truly love God AND each other and we WANT TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.
...this is why the Cores keep begging God to give Infinitii "back." It's not something we'd ever do for a human. Headspace is different; people do die, but they die in order to be reborn. Even Laurie reminds us of this constantly-- her axe isn't meant to ruin, but to reset. If she ever does cleave someone's skull in half, it's so it can be put back together better. That's what "death" is for a nousfoni-- it is a hope, in the direct wake of despair. If we die, it is because we have failed to do what we were made to do, or we have committed a grave sin, causing permanent damage, et cetera. Death for us is a swift and direct "penalty" for our loss of light, but it also is, in and of itself, a solid hope of resurrection. ALWAYS. Thanks be to God. We don't die unless there's a real hope that we'll be remade as a result.
So the Cores are asking God to do that to Infi. Why?
Because Infinitii was the one of us who most ardently knew what it was like to love with one's entire heart and soul.
Infinitii COULD TEACH AND ENABLE US HOW TO LOVE GOD LIKE THIS. And believe me, ze DID... Jay still has very clear memories from church, that he clings to constantly, as they are the only way he can feel anything like it. NO ONE ELSE can get that close, without being shut down or pushed away.
It's too much to talk about in depth now, but the important thing is: Infi wasn't scared of opening hir heart, or letting anyone else into it. That was what killed hir, in the end, but it is also hir biggest hope of rebirth, if I can hope the same on hir behalf... because to use that great grace properly, it must first and foremost be directed TOWARDS GOD.
...The last bit up there, resonates with the Jay bloodline. "You will respond like your Father."
We have... weird issues, with fatherhood. We love our biological dad, dearly so, but... we never really knew him growing up. He was always at work, or distant, or uninvolved, or-- as the years dragged on-- out drinking. We had no idea who he was as a person until he moved out and got remarried, and started talking to us from that separate living space. We were no longer "in the same family" in a sense, although we were permanently bound by blood; we no longer shared a roof, my mother was no longer his wife. But that new "distance" brought us closer than ever, and continues to do so, oddly.
The point is: we never had an example of fatherhood in our life until now.
It's still something we glean only in flashes. We're in our 30s; he can't be our "dad" in the way our child-heart still unconsciously yearns for. But now we can recognize that there IS such a yearning, which we NEVER realized before, not until we got old enough to realize that hey, families AREN'T supposed to be terrifying, and by the grace of God started to realize that everything beautiful the Bible says about GOD is what fatherhood truly takes its essence from. God is THE FATHER. And that just... changed everything.
And yet, way back around 2011, Jay wanted to be a father more than anything in the universe and his heart caught that truth long before anyone else could even postulate its existence or semblance. Jay knew what fatherhood meant. He WAS a father. And it was beautiful.
When the bloodline was shattered by the CNC corruption and we lost that entire awareness with the Tilly takeover... it gutted us. We're still not-quite-alive in the wake of that loss. Yes, Jay is still (miraculously) alive, but he's a flickering light now, barely able to front, barely able to hold a form inside. There's "too much of a threat of him becoming a Core again," apparently, and "Cores aren't allowed to be male anymore." But those boys had such good hearts. They understood, somehow, "how God would react" even before we were religious-- long before we were consciously able to trust God, let alone even know Who He was.
...is it possible for the new compulsively-female "Cores" to respond like their Father? Or will the binary-forcing keep them, and therefore our body existence, fatally disconnected from God's Heart?
I don't know. This is something we need to sit and feel and talk about as a System, together, not something the thriskefoni can "reason out" or even truly pray about-- their hearts wouldn't be in it at all; they wouldn't pray for us anyway, sadly. We have to do that ourselves, even if they don't want to admit we can.
I'm sorry, I don't want to sound condemning. It just hurts so much, that they refuse to feel, at least anything but fear and panic that masquerades as obedience and devotion. We want to help them, too. We want ALL of the foni in the Spectrum to be together, like the Church; for heaven's sakes we're all one soul in the first place. We need to be united; we need to be family, we need to be as one, even in our multiplicity. It's possible. That's the beauty of it.
...I guess this is a bit of that Father-feeling, actually. The Prodigal Father, up on that hill, looking out for the lost son. It feels like we're doing that for ourself, in our most fragile and tender moments. God give us the grace to always keep our arms open to ourself, as You always do for us, so that we may all be gathered into Your embrace.



The prayer really stood out to me:
"God, I want to seek You with all my heart. You are my everything— so let my actions match my words. Each day, help me to draw closer to You. Guide me through each decision, and inspire me with new dreams and pursuits. I want to honor You in all that I do."
1)The prayer is admitting, "I confess that I'm not seeking You with all my heart, but I WANT to"... "You are my everything, BUT my actions don't match those words"... and then that striking plea, "LET them match," silently echoing "LET me seek you with all my heart." It's stunning. The focus is on our absolute need of God's gift of grace-- our total dependence on God empowering us in order to do ANYTHING good, because we have NO power on our own.
...
2) Likewise, "HELP me to draw closer to You." It just struck me how unique this is. Unlike between humans, I cannot approach God on my own; I cannot "draw near" physically or mentally, emotionally or spiritually, by my own efforts.
...
3) EACH DAY, and "draw closer." This is gradual, ongoing, and unending. It's never all at once. There is never a finish line.
4) The "guide me" follows the petition for closeness. The very "helping me draw close" IS CONNECTED TO the "guide me through"!
5) Again, "I WANT to honor You in everything I do... but by myself I don't know how." This is why the prayer asks for inspiration and guidance immediately prior.
..
6) INSPIRE ME WITH NEW DREAMS.
. 

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KVOTD = A really sweet thought on Revelation 4:8!
"Imagine your favorite thing to do, and getting to do that every day forever... what if every day was the best day ever? ...Well, [this verse shows us that] in the Throne Room [of heaven], they never stop praising God. It goes on forever and ever and ever and ever. Every day they celebrate and worship Jesus-- they celebrate the God Who loves us forever. Every day is the best day ever. Every day we can praise God here on earth, too, and make it the best day ever! So how will you praise God today, to practice for Eternity?"
1) The simple childlike thought that the Ophanim are having the "best day ever forever" because praising God is their "favorite thing to do" is so, so sweet, and deeply touching. Lord, I pray to be blessed with such grace to feel the same.
2) The angels are worshipping JESUS, not just the Father!
3) When we worship, we echo the joyful songs of eternity here on earth. That's ASTOUNDING.
I love the analogy of "practicing." That hits so strongly and endearingly it hurts.
...

The prayer =
"God, thank You for the hope You've given me. One day, I will get to worship You in Heaven forever! Until then, please help me to be creative and find new ways to show You how much You mean to me. As I worship You, I know it will show everyone who knows me how great You are."
1) Cling to this hope. Make it the undercurrent of your life. Sing in your heart, like your Patroness, at all times, forever echoing this holy refrain. Let this hope anchor your soul to heaven.
2) This entire concept of personal creative worship is not something I ever heard as a Catholic, but it is so beautiful and important to me. It's joyous. It's liberating. It means I CAN worship God in COUNTLESS ways, to countless people! It means my faith and love and joy and hope are not imprisoned, not caged, not bound and muted!
3) Worship SHOWS. It is inherently public, praising and proclaiming. It is naturally evangelistic, an outpouring of inspired zeal, an act of grateful witness to the Breath and Fire and Living Water.
4) Worship changes how people see me-- it shifts the focus TO GOD!! Worship redirects the attention to HIM, not me! It makes me Christ's instrument, and He is the song-- it makes me His canvas, and Him the masterpiece. The Spirit paints, the Spirit performs, and God is all in all. I am nothing; that's the bliss!

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Scrupulosity articles hitting a bullseye over and over again =


"Feeling apathetic, lethargic, or careless about religion is understandable when you struggle with an anxiety disorder that is constantly trying to crush you with toxic spirituality, overthinking, and burnout. The apathy that we experience with OCD is not a true spiritual distaste but is a rejection of the overwrought, overly intense type of spirituality that OCD presses upon us."
THIS IS LITERALLY OUR EXACT PROBLEM. THEY ACTUALLY PUT IT INTO WORDS. Reading this, every lightbulb went on. We've NEVER heard ANYONE sum it up so clearly & bluntly before-- and without having words to express WHAT and WHY you're feeling, that monster remains invisible & intangible &  impossible to deal with. NOT SO ANYMORE!!
...


"Just because I have one bad day doesn’t mean my whole life is going down the tube. It doesn’t mean a relapse is imminent. [That's] absolutist thinking. It tells me that I must never have a relapse... that, if I go back to that dark place that I once was, I will never get out. It will be eternal. I can’t handle it. What black-and-white, absolutist thinking! I can recover if I have a relapse. It’s not the end of the world. I will survive whatever life throws at me because God is beside me and He will help me."
1) In any case, we don't want to risk it. "The dog returns to its vomit." Once the tiniest speck of corruption gets into your brain, you can't get it out. We know this from hellish experience, it's why we avoid the internet & television & radio whenever possible. A relapse might very well be imminent because you LIVED like that before for YEARS, and those well-worn paths of addiction don't disappear overnight. They might never disappear; they might have dug in so deep they left scars. You do have free will, of course, but never overestimate your freedom. How compromised is your state of mind? Don't risk it.
I'm rambling. Bad mindset. Sorry.
2)
3) ...I didn't expect that last line. It stunned me.
That says a fearful lot about where our anxious brain goes.
...
But... that line also feels heretically arrogant?
....


"What about people who struggle with the apathy that they feel after having a blasphemous thought, or apathy about spiritual things? How should they deal with the anxiety that arises in response to the primary disturbance, their apathy? Again, we need to recognize that the black-and-white, absolutist thinking of OCD is trying to get the upper hand. There are NO absolute statements in Scripture that say that Christians must always feel passionate and constantly soaring with lofty flights of ecstatic religious feeling.
And as for the feeling of horror that you might think should always accompany your intrusive thoughts– well, don’t forget that you’re dealing with repetitive, ego-dystonic thoughts that are pestering you every few minutes for months (even years!) on end. It’s natural for the brain to reach a point of emotional shutdown. You can only experience emotions like horror so many times before the mind tries to block out the intense emotion. Just ask traumatized war victims if their emotional response was different the first time they saw a dead body, or the hundredth time.
When you think about it, emotional numbness is actually a fairly reasonable response to the intrusive thoughts we deal with. But that’s not my main point. My main point is that there are many layers in complex situations like scrupulosity. We have to avoid pinning ourselves to the wall with absolute beliefs like, “I should always experience horror at my blasphemous thoughts to validate the fact that I don’t want them.”
THIS BLINDSIDED US.
1) The Psalms especially destroy all absolutism-- and that has actually deeply disturbed me for years.
2) "EGO-DYSTONIC"
3) THAT "SHUTDOWN" IS LITERALLY THE "ESTAR PROBLEM"!!!!!!!
4) validation and trauma
...

I am admittedly very disappointed with the conclusion of this article; it got far too carefree, seeming almost flippant. "Oh well," etc.
"Oh well. If I relapse, I relapse. I’ll get over it again."
THAT'S FATALLY PRESUMPTUOUS.
But... they also say things like,
"Oh well. If I don’t have the disgust against my intrusive thoughts that I think I ought to have, I’ll just need to leave this one with the Lord and trust Him to read my heart rather than me trusting my own validation techniques."
How can you be THAT CASUAL ABOUT THE RISK THOUGH. Maybe that's our OCD talking. Even so, that's where we're at. Feeling apathy where it does not belong-- and where, "outside of OCD," it would be a grave sin & sign of a rotten heart-- and just saying "oh well, let God be the judge" is SUPER DANGEROUS. It's like hearing the fire alarm go off and saying "oh well, if it's a real fire, I'll let the firefighters take care of it." AND WE DO THIS, SO WE KNOW. THAT APATHY IS A HUGE RED FLAG AND IT IS NOT HEALTHY.
...

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"Sometimes, our emotions just shut down, like a safety shutoff valve. This might happen when we’ve been ruminating and obsessing about our faith for too long. Numbness and apathy might actually be the brain’s way of protecting itself from too much anxiety... what most people with Religious OCD are dealing with is not true numbness and apathy towards God, but rather a sense of mental exhaustion and spiritual burnout... it’s a pretty normal thing for people to grow numb when we go through extreme experiences. This is simply our body’s way of protecting ourselves, of shutting down the emotions so that we don’t become too overwhelmed for our own good."
1) I hate this so much. I DON'T WANT A BLOODY SHUTOFF VALVE. I'M SO TIRED OF THIS BUILT-IN COWARDICE. I'M SO BLOODY TIRED OF BEING NUMB.
...


"Elijah was suicidal. He asked God to kill him and let him sleep with his ancestors. But God didn’t do that. God understood that Elijah was experiencing burnout. He was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted after his turmoil on Mount Carmel. God did not forsake him in that situation. He understood that the way he feels right now is not the way he really feels. And that’s a beautiful lesson for us. When we’re in the midst of our OCD struggles, and we’re burned out and feeling numbness and apathy towards God, the way we’re feeling is not the way we really feel. And praise the Lord. He understands that."
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...God understands????

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