102023

Terrible nightmares all night.
Eating disorder, family trouble, massive loss, mortal peril, etc.
Prayed for interpretation, so we wouldn't get despondent.
Told that dreams Emphasized that our family is NOT TRYING TO HURT US. Rather, they are ACTIVELY HELPING US however they can. But WE are responding in selfish ignorance & anger. We are BLINDED BY OUR EGOTISM.
Our "dreamself" when female is DISTURBINGLY SELF-OBSESSED. She cannot feel empathy and is bent on just making herself happy??? Heavy conviction. If THAT is our subconscious we NEED TO SOMEHOW CHANGE IT-- or rather, GOD NEEDS TO CHANGE IT, because we're RUNNING ON that corrupted base. Much Grace will be necessary.

Morning mass returns!
Funeral flowers everywhere. Smelled like Easter.

Home for 9, immediately began prayer
Jade called about shower
Dilemma. Felt we COULDN'T SAY NO and HAD TO CANCEL APPOINTMENTS AGAIN. almost in tears from frustrated confusion. BUT bravely said tomorrow would work.
Immediately after hanging up, CRIED BITTERLY over this stupid whining resistance of ours.
Punched leg to stop crying, BUT SUDDENLY REALIZED WHY THAT "WORKS"-- it ACTIVATES SELF-HATRED & THUS DISABLES EMOTION. It turns on rage & turns off sorrow. IT SHUTS OFF THE HEART. We realized this instantly thank God and apologized TO Him for it, now that we understood what we had actually done.
Prayed Sorrowful Mysteries, difficult to let go of the "wrong sorrow" of self-loathing for sinful stupidity though. Agony intention for "true repentance" inspired us to turn our focus to God, not our own idiocy. Said we WERE sorry, BUT ALSO prayed that God USE EVEN THAT "FALL" FOR OUR GOOD. Realized then that it had 1. CONFIRMED OUR NIGHTMARE by showing us that we WERE still instinctively selfish & rude to family, 2. showed us how our problem with "saying no" MAKES us passive-aggressive and dishonest about our actual needs, 3. gave us the opportunity to ACTUALLY REFUSE TO CHICKEN OUT OF EITHER RESPONSIBILITY, by finding a proper compromise, and 4. helped us be more honest in communicating with Jade as we ADMITTED our struggle TO them, in contrite apology & reassurance that THEY were innocent, WE were causing our own problem.
God will ALWAYS transmute your weaknesses into His Strength WHEN YOU GIVE THEM TO HIM. He loves to bring Light into dark places, to bring Truth into places of ignorance and confusion. So TRUST HIM TO DO THAT, YES FOR YOU, AND NEVER DESPAIR.

BK prep prayers. Still struggling with attention. Saying the prayers aloud with them helps.

BK for 1140!!
Hoping this WORKS for a new schedule. We want to be done earlier in the day so we can ACTUALLY DO OUR DAILY RESPONSIBILITIES before crashing into exhausted sleep.
NOT ONLY THAT, but this WITH Jade coming over early tomorrow ALSO forces us to practice getting up early EVERY DAY, thus preventing "no schedule paralysis" on Saturday mornings, because what we WANT to do is get up for Mass anyway, and run to Church anyway, to do a solid hour of Adoration. I think Jesus would really love that. We NEED to start thinking of our time with Him IN a relationship context, because HE IS LITERALLY THERE after all. We're still grappling with the concept of Presence because WE'RE not used to being present-- we are still so depersonalized. But Christ will help us. We just have to meet with Him and talk to Him, not just "pray AT Him." We must learn from the Saints.
Also, even if the church is locked on Saturday morning, we can still go to visit Mary in the garden grotto or the one down the street. Either way, we can still start our day with a good run and a good devotion. That is invariably necessary for our daily function, both spiritually and physically, and now we can include Saturday in that set schedule too!
I wonder if we can do SUNDAY? Like, if we got up early and ran BEFORE leaving for SHJ Mass? OH DUDE, OR IF WE WENT TO MASS EARLY AND RAN UP TO THE CEMETERY. Oh man now THAT'S an idea. We shall work on this!!
In any case, its beautiful proof of the fortune we keep on our altar. "Devotion will make you feel more complete." Of course it does-- it brings us closer to God, Who IS our everything, but Who can only BE our everything when we offer our empty spaces to Him to fill with Himself. "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You," applies here too. We are made FOR God, in ALL contexts and circumstances. When we start actively inviting Him in, including Him readily, and living with Him the way spouses live together... that's the heaven on earth He wants for us.
We're finally starting to grasp the joy of that purpose, and we're beginning to genuinely want and seek it, too, without terror of intimacy trauma. God can make us a mystic yet!!

Readings inspired us to read some of Malachi today.
The first page HURTS.


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VOTD= Matthew 7:7, a classic.
New perspective given on the GREEK = to "seek" is to "crave or demand something from someone"! "Jesus is telling us to seek HIM for an answer, because when we do, we WILL find it-- because the answer is FOUND IN HIM."
Telling us to "seek" is basically telling us to CRAVE JESUS AS OUR ANSWER, to seek HIM as our ultimate goal and response no matter what the details are. Using the word "demand" is shockingly bold, but maybe it's just that pertinent? Does God WANT us to "demand" HIM? Does He actually want us to want Him SO MUCH that we would DEMAND that HE be given to us AS our answer to prayer, rather than anything else-- to demand Him because we cannot bear the thought of NOT having Him?
"Knock" reminds us that when we go to God in prayer-- to His Door-- we must have the EXPECTATION THAT HE WILL ANSWER. We don't knock on doors expecting them to stay closed! There is ALWAYS AN INHERENT HOPE, if not an outright confidence, and BOTH are BASED ON TRUST!!!
"GOD SAYS-- and His Word never returns to Him void-- that He WILL answer you according to His faithful love and mercy."
I cannot find such a verse offhand-- the closest thing is Philippians 4:19-- but I DID find THIS page:
https://www.openbible.info/topics/god_answering_prayers
So refer to that, because He DOES promise to answer our prayers, if we ask in FAITH, and according to His Will-- which, we well know now, is our SALVATION.

Guided prayers included our "prayer for knowing God"-- EXACTLY what we were discussing earlier-- and our "prayer for grace & truth," about trusting IN GOD'S FORGIVENESS as both permission & commandment to forgive ourself. It also emphasized the "slave of sin set free to become a child of God" core concept, and how that ties directly into God's adoptive Fatherhood of us, by which He willingly makes us worthy of His Promises.
These Truths get deeper & lovelier & more amazing the more you read & revisit & pray them, in tandem with Scripture study. Keep it up, in love & by grace.

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Finally back to commentary, still just starting Matthew Henry (verse 3).

"Lazarus was one of those that sat [at the table with Jesus]. It proved the truth of his resurrection, as it did of Christ's, that there were those who did eat and drink with Him. Lazarus did not retire into a wilderness after his resurrection, as if, when he had made a visit to the other world, he must ever after be a hermit in this; no, he conversed familiarly with people, as others did. He sat at meat, as a monument of the miracle Christ had wrought. Those whom Christ has raised up to a spiritual life are made to sit together with Him."
Okay, first, that staggering observance that BOTH resurrections were "proven true by eating." It sounds scandalously carnal, until you remember all the heavenly metaphors of banquets, AND remember EDEN BEFORE THE FALL. There is something about food and eating that ANTEDATES SIN, and which was DIRECTLY & INITIALLY WILLED BY GOD AS "GOOD." So all my fear & disgust & abhorrence of food & eating is unnatural and distorted and not the truth and THANK GOD!!!!!
The biggest proof of food as holy = THE EUCHARIST.
...
Second, although BOTH Jesus and Lazarus died & "saw what is beyond," they DIDN'T REJECT THE WORLD OR ITS PEOPLE. I emphasize this because I used to hold that mindset and so many "gnostics" and "truthseekers" still do. It's a form of spiritual pride, again-- obvious because it is ironically self-seeking, looking down on "the ignorant rabble," seeing oneself as "wiser" or "chosen" or "too pure to be tainted by this lower world," etc. Any "spiritual knowledge" that takes you away from common humanity & thus stops up all self-sacrificial love for its most downtrodden members is NOT knowledge either from or about the Truth-- or of God Who IS Truth, and Who BECAME MAN out of pure & humble love, to save and enlighten all men, especially the most lost & despised, no matter how "ignorant" or "unworthy" the "spiritual elites" considered such persons to be.
Third, however, is that although Lazarus indeed "went back to living among men," he WAS changed; he couldn't never truly "go back" to who he was before, and that was the point-- like a seed that becomes a sprout, his death did not erase him from the land, it only hid him for a time, before he "returned" TO that very same land in order to BENEFIT IT with the Life he gained THROUGH his death. Of course, Jesus is THE "archetype" of this; if Lazarus did so, it was only in "imitation" of the One Who Is Life, Who personified its very Laws, and Whose Example ALL the resurrected would therefore naturally follow. 
Lazarus was back along the living AS the living, but of a higher sort, as a testimony to its hope and reality-- AND necessarily to the One Who Is Life that CALLED him TO such a life. Lazarus would have stayed dead if not for Jesus. Lazarus's very presence was indeed a monument to Jesus's power and mission and Divinity.
...
And so we come to the question. ALL Christians, by the fact and mechanics of salvation, have also been called by Christ out of the tomb into new life. So where are WE standing as monuments to Him AS our Life? ARE we doing so? Or have we hidden ourselves away, afraid or abhorrent to return to daily life, now that we have "seen something beyond" it? Are we so blind to God that we fail to see the shining hope of resurrection IN that mundane world we are shunning? We should be ebullient with joy, proclaiming that hope to everyone we meet, shining with its evidence, with faith in Christ and love for God and His creation-- because yes, ALL OF IT is included in the work of redemption! ALL of it is "reconciled to God in Christ!" So are we in the world now as His emissaries, as His living miracles?
And lest I forget... are we eating with our fellow man? Because we ARE still men, we aren't "taken out of" our earthly family just because of our brief visit beyond. No, now we are to bring that TO them, and help bring them to IT. And we are to eat with them because "a feast is for friendship and fellowship." Food is what the earth springs up with in boundless generosity, food is how a mother loves her child, food is how the Savior of the Universe dwells within us close as blood. Food is life giving itself to life, so life can continue. Food is God's gift, God's promise, God's glimpse of heavenly joys. To eat with you is to identify myself with you. To eat with you is to share life with you. To eat is to perpetuate and share and honor life. If you want to prove that you really are back from the dead, you'd better be able to eat. Are you sharing your resurrection meal with your fellow man? Christ is.

Exhaustion already. No kidding. It's unfinished; I'll continue later. On to the next.


"She had a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, which probably she had by her for her own use; but the death and resurrection of her brother had quite weaned her from the use of all such things, and with this she anointed the feet of Jesus, and, as a further token of her reverence for him and negligence of herself, she wiped them with her hair."
The keen awareness of death, by itself, is not enough to wean us from earthly things-- some, indeed, become more covetous as they see the Reaper approaching. But when one has an awareness of life after death, of death that leads to further life-- THAT is what makes poverty a joy, that strips all worldly pleasures of their glamour, and that sets one's desires firmly on heavenly things alone. You NEED FAITH to be freed of greed, because faith reveals that God is all goodness and joy in endless abundance and He Himself meets every need WITH Himself-- and He IS Life and Love and all other virtues in their purest essence and perfection.
An unbelieving heart, in contrast, hoards the world to itself because it is hollow without God and sees nothing after death but darkness-- therefore it madly clings to everything here that glitters, even if it rots, even though it never satisfies.
Those who have faith in life after death-- in the life that is of God and from God-- also lose all obsession with self, for to be with God is to be in complete relationship, in humble blissful service, in loving unity. Love finds its truest fulfillment in giving of itself to the beloved. Thus, even on earth, one who lives in love for God will gladly and joyfully give themselves away for God, to His people and His Church. To focus on oneself instead of God, to serve ego instead of Creator, to revere one's own thoughts and feelings instead of submitting to the commandments of God-- this is the worst possible idolatry.
Death is a check against such wrongful worship. Death reminds us that we are but dust & ashes, just dirt & water, and one day-- no matter how "enlightened" or "intelligent" or famous or filthy rich we are-- we're all going back into the ground soon enough, and nothing we owned or earned is coming with us. The single thing that accompanies us in the coffin is our faith, or lack thereof-- our Blood-sealed pledge of life to come, or our doomed dismissal of it. We cannot resurrect ourselves. We cannot unlock the gates to heaven. We cannot expiate our own sins. We cannot pay our own moral debts. We cannot claim any hope for life after death on our own. EVERYTHING COMES FROM CHRIST JESUS, and once we die, it's too late to turn back and change our minds to save our souls. We have to accept His gift of grace NOW, while it can still get into and sanctify these bodies that WILL be resurrected at His Return-- because without that seed of His faith within it, that pledge of eternal life, our bones will not bloom anew on that last day.
In that final hour, it will not matter what your hair looked like, or how much money you had, or how precious the perfume you had saved up was. All that will matter is, did you love God with them? Or yourself?


"Doubtless she intended this [anointing] as a token of her love to Christ, Who had given real tokens of His love to her and her family; and thus she studies what she shall render."
This is followed by many examples, which i will probably include here as well-- but even before I read them, I want to focus on this as a rule by itself.
We must return love for Love. This is the heart of the Christian religion, so pure & simple a child could do it-- and perhaps only a child truly can. "He Who loves Me will keep My commandments," and what are they? To love. But to love Christ at ALL is to love GOD, and God deserves ALL our love-- no exceptions, no hesitation, no half-heartedness-- And love is not a feeling-- it is a state of Being. Love, by definition, IS self-sacrificial. It is to seek the highest good of another, and to give freely of yourself for that very benefit. God IS Love, and He is CONSTANTLY giving of Himself within the Trinity, and to His Creation, for our salvation, and to bring us into eternal union with Him by means of such.
Another look at that truth = "He Who says he loves Me, must act in ways that prove his love for Me." He Who loves me, follows my commandments... and He Who follows me, must pick up His Cross and lay down his life for My sake." The commandment IS Eternal Life. Eternal Life IS through the Cross. The Cross IS Love. And ALL of that is only possible IN CHRIST.
So how else do we learn how to love, but from Love Himself?
Everything Jesus says and does is a lesson to us, a Master class in the highest Truth, which is simply how to return love for Love. Study Him with your heart, and learn from His.

Now for the actual given examples =
"Now by this [studying] her love to Christ appears to have been:
(1.) A generous love; so far from sparing necessary charges in His service, she is as ingenious to create an occasion of expense in religion as most are to avoid it. If she had any thing more valuable than another, that [very thing] must be brought out for the honour of Christ. Note: Those who love Christ truly love Him so much better than this world as to be willing to lay out the best they have for Him."
Oh my goodness this is beautiful.
Remember = we are talking LOVE FOR CHRIST, for GOD, in this. E alone is worthy of our highest love. Everything else, all lesser loves, come from this, and can only exist through this.
First: a Generous love does not count costs, in that it does not determine "whether it can afford" giving-- but it also doesn't "cut losses", because nothing it gives is seen as a loss, and it freely gives more than is asked or expected, just because it loves.
Mary didn't "save her best ointment" for some unspecified "greater occasion"-- love does not make such foolish appraisals. Love recognizes that Christ IS the greatest possible occasion, right here and now, in the preciousness of His Presence, and love takes its very best treasures and freely lays all out before Him. It doesn't seek thanks, or even recognition; God deserves ALL this and more-- but the very joy, the very privilege, of being able to give to Christ as Christ gives to me, is bliss enough to motivate the most extravagant largesse. Just being able TO honor Him is such a fervent impetus, it is no wonder why the martyrs would yearn for their crowns-- they must give their uttermost for Him, for His glory, for His love! To hold anything back, to hesitate in any giving, once we recognize Him as not only God but God AS Savior AND Beloved... the heart would die of aching. To love God IS OUR PURPOSE; to abandon that once it is found would be suicide. But that's not all-- we can only recognize Christ as God and Beloved because He loves us as HIS beloved!! We, the Church, ARE HIS BRIDE. How could you possibly withhold a single atom from Him then? There is no higher or purer Love for you then Him. Reciprocation is what we were made for. Thus must our whole life be consumed in being. Love MUST give its best, its all, because God IS Love, and HE DOES SO ALWAYS... and if, out of selfishness or fear, we won't let Love work likewise in us, then it won't be love that we're feeling, no matter how we try to pass our words and actions off as such. The core will be missing.
"Sparing necessary charges" hurts. The very vocabulary sounds like business talk-- as if love were "checking boxes," or "following the script." To "spare," as if it were burdensome. To be "necessary," as if other things were not. To have "charges," as if it were a job, a chore, a compelled duty... as if we were speaking of credit cards and debt! Yet this mindset is what I do, when I look at my schedule and calculate how much prayer I can "reasonably" fit in, because i MUST pray... and even though now, by grace, I am entirely willing TO pray, I am not willing enough. It is still tainted by feelings of obligation, of cost, of effort. It isn't yet an act of pure freewill. I still gripe when my exhaustion & overextension collides with the mere possibility of more spontaneous and unscheduled prayer when I could instead finally sit down to rest. In this regard, I shamefully lack love, because love would EMBRACE such surprise opportunities to pray some more, sacrificing physical comfort & consolation in order to give those very things as a spiritual gift to God, Who in the human Heart of the Son, mourns the cold & distant lack of reciprocated love in His people. If my love were more of a fire, more sincere & ardent & real, it would make excuses on His behalf to forfeit self-interest for the sake of worship. It would create expenses just to have an excuse TO give Him more. And honestly I WANT to, despite my stubborn fearful tired reticence. So I must start small and stoke the fire. I am too feeble to blaze up all at once. But I can still add a little more kindling whenever I find some, to give my Lord a little more warmth and light. It's the least I can do, after all, in gratitude for His lighting this flame the first place.
But love isn't compulsion. It's not a "settling of accounts." It's an outpouring, an illumination, a breaking of the alabaster jar. "We love because He FIRST loved us." And His Love was made manifest on the Cross. He broke Himself open and poured out everything He was for our sakes, asking nothing in return but love for love.
That's why Mary's love was Generous. There was a fire in her that Christ had sparked by the undying Sun of His Own Life, in how He did everything He could for her salvation, and that far more than she ever expected or dreamed or dared to imagine. She knew He couldn't give anything less. She knew He would never shrink from unexpected need, or sigh at an extra request, or complain that He needed rest or food or "me time." No, all of that was contrary to love, and so it was impossible for Him. Mary knew that Jesus thirsted for love, even as He WAS love-- thirsted to give it as bounteously as possible, to empty Himself out at every opportunity, to unfailingly personify in absolute selfless compassion the very Heart of God. Jesus was merciful, gentle, patient, helpful, wise, righteous, comforting, encouraging, loving above all. He yearned to serve, to soothe, and to save others. His entire existence was a beautiful fragrance, blessing and uplifting the souls of those who only so much as glimpsed His Person, the sweetness lingering with them long after He passed from view. THAT is a Generous love. 
...I almost forgot the last bit. We must love Christ "more than this world." It's fairly straightforward, but it's an absolute. We must live Christ more than ANYTHING temporal: more than comfort, more than rest, more than free time, more than recreation, more than our dreams, more than our goals, more than our reputations, more than our finances and possessions and investments... more than our safety, more than our dignity, more than our family ties, more than our spiritual consolation. EVERYTHING must ultimately become wood on the fire of Charity, if Christ so requires. We must have only one King, only one Love, only one Hope, only one Life. Without such exclusive fidelity, we cannot be generous with all the rest. We must recognize and admit that EVERYTHING is a gift from HIS Generous Love, even our very existence, our very soul. He's not demanding it back; that wouldn't be love. But as Lord, we must confess His rightful ownership of it all, otherwise He would have no right TO give it. But He does, for He created it all. For us to give it back TO Him is not a rejection of Love, nor is it a disdain for the gifts, or a rejection of their value. To give them back to Him is to say, "You have created these treasures for me, out of pure love, and given them to me freely, abundantly, and without any merit on my part. They are a pure expression of Your immense Love for me, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. However... I have nothing of my own. By myself, I am poor and wretched. ALL my treasures, everything I value, has come to me from Your Hands. If I want to return love for love-- and I do, my beloved Lord-- then I must give You my most precious things, to honor You with their worth and with my sacrifice. Nothing less could express true love with sincerity. So I give to You the gifts You gave me, because I love You more than I love them. I now realize that even Your most excellent gifts are nothing in comparison to Yourself. I therefore return all to You, for the joy of loving only You."
And that's all I can say.