101923

Woke up at 8
Took meds, tried to rest on couch but couldn't. Blanket smell flashbacks.
Suddenly inspired to watch Mass. The ONLY 830 one was from SC and apparently ONLY on Thursday.
Oh man the priest was AMAZING. Such evident zeal & charity. The homily was FERVENT and the Consecration was REVERENT. God bless that man. I truly felt involved in the Mass, it was honestly like I was physically there.
Everything was much slower paced too. Very much like how it was when I lived down South; they're much more chill than we Northerners, haha. Ironically because THEY HAD AIR CONDITIONING ON IN OCTOBER

Immediately decided to wash the new blanket so we could switch it on the couch. Then threw in delicates too. Then figured "what the heck, our pajamas are sweaty, our towels damp, our pillows musty, let's just throw EVERYTHING in."
FIVE LOADS AND FOUR HOURS LATER, haha! But it was worth it. Everything is clean now.

The whole time we were saying prayers. We also cooked during the first load so that was done before we got dizzy from fasting.
We listened to a new YT video for the Seven Sorrows Rosary, and the guys gave brief meditations but WOW DID THEY HIT HARD. For the sixth, they said that Mary wasn't just holding her dead Son, she was LOOKING INTO THE WOUND IN HIS HEART. And for the fifth, they casually reminded us that yeah, Mary was watching Jesus suffer and die on the Cross for THREE STRAIGHT HOURS. The instant that hit me, my eyes flooded with shocked tears. I felt such aching sympathy for my Sorrowful Mother. I had to stop everything for a moment and just let that reality pierce my own heart.
I do have to say= EVERY source we have found online, either in text or video, as to HOW to say the Dolors Rosary, IS DIFFERENT. And every video one is missing some prayers that vary per video. Needless to say, I WANT TO RECORD A RECITATION. I want to say it the way I say it on my own-- with all the "extra" prayers for devotion's sake, with reflections on each Sorrow, with implored virtues, and with images & music that make it keenly personal. Man I want to MAKE a YouTube channel JUST TO SAY & SHARE PRAYERS & DEVOTIONALS & CATHOLIC BOOKS. I am so tired of feeling homebound in my acts of charity, and of burying my talents due to lack of properly religious outlets. THIS MIGHT HELP BOTH. If nothing else, it is SPREADING THE FAITH in an environment where there are many unbelievers & doubters, and if God graciously wishes to use my offering of time & talent for His purposes of evangelism & conversion, then all glory be to God-- but I must do my part first!!


230 BK again. At least the body is getting used to it.
Dizziness & numbness always peaks right after we sit down though.

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VOTD = Isaiah‬ ‭54:10‬.
"The mountains may disappear, and the hills may become dust, but My faithful love will never leave you. I will make peace with you, and it will never end.” The Lord Who loves you said this."
YOU REALIZE THAT IS THE TAGLINE ON EVERY ONE OF HIS PROMISES.
Also, YES, HE PROMISED THIS TO ISRAEL.
Remember, as I said last week or so, God's Character does not change, ever. He is the God Who CAN and DOES promise things like this, and UNFAILINGLY CARRIES THEM TO COMPLETION.

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Universalis =
HUGE FOCUS TODAY ON THE NORTH AMERICAN JESUIT MARTYRS. I'd actually never known anything about them until today.
They had a legit THIRST for martyrdom that was SO PURE & DAUNTLESS it was astounding.
Also Isaac's ABSOLUTELY ARDENT LOVE & ZEAL FOR GOD, ESPECIALLY IN THE MASS.
Today's book devotionals emphasized that too.
It really hit deep. I had to literally sit with it for a minute.
...

On today's readings =
"...both Jews and gentiles have made themselves displeasing to God by failure to obey God’s law. [But] Abraham was saved by his faith as a free gift, not by any meritorious action or act of obedience. So gentiles too may be saved by simple trust in God’s WILL to save."
NEVERTHELESS, remember John 8:40! We must have the same SPIRIT as Abraham did TO have the same FAITH. It isn't that dangerous twisting of the "sola gratia" mindset which claims salvation by faith DESPITE works. No, "Abraham did not do that"! Our character must still be righteous. NEVERTHELESS, REMEMBER SAINT DISMAS. He had no good works to speak of, ONLY a history of such crimes as merited execution! BUT in his final moments, when he confessed a real faith in Christ, his character DID EVIDENTLY CHANGE. Grace had touched his heart, even as he was dying, so much as to convert him in truth. Had he been let down from the cross, he would not have gone back to a life of lawlessness; he couldn't do so now, now that he had faith-- now that he knew Christ.
So it is with us. Our character will always be the touchstone of our faith, and it NEEDS GRACE to become a suitable foundation... by COOPERATION WITH THAT GRACE. I will keep emphasizing that point because until Fr. Elston slammed me with that homily last week, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS AUTOMATIC. I thought that grace did all the work, and if I wasn't changing, then God hadn't given me any grace. NOT SO. God was pouring it out on me-- I just wasn't doing anything with it! I had never known that cooperation was necessary... because i never considered that I was PART of the process. I never dared to think that I had ANY volition in the matter at all. I didn't understand that God wanted a relationship with me in ALL aspects of my faith. I just thought I was a slave, a hired worker, a robot, a pack animal. I never realized that grace WAS a gift, but one so big and wonderful that it had to be shared... a gift so useful & intricate it had to be "assembled with others"... a gift that, from the very beginning, was entirely meant to be rejoiced in TOGETHER.
Rambling. Gotta stop.
In short: Abraham's works did not save him, but they were the natural expressions of a faith that DID, with both faith & works springing from a humble & gracious character that was entirely devoted to serving God & others. Faith CANNOT survive in a selfish soul.
However, faith is a gift too. It is a grace. ALL righteousness in us is a grace. However much good we do, it is from God, and left alone, we WILL sin. No matter how many good deeds we do, we will inevitably always sin as well. Therefore our good works CANNOT save us, as they have no merit from ourselves, only from God, and we cannot do good alone. Still they ARE necessary once we DO have grace TO do them. We were created FOR God's GOOD Purpose after all, even though we mess up. That's what the Law taught us: that we are MEANT for good but we WILL FALL SHORT. We cannot keep it perfectly as God's Perfection rightly demands, because we are fallen. We know what evil is firsthand. We are tainted by it, cursed of our own doing. We cannot do anything pure. We cannot clear our own criminal record. We cannot earn salvation. It's priceless. It's not SUPPOSED to be earned. It's GRACE. It's MERCY. By its very nature it is undeserved. THAT'S THE POINT.
In the end, though, God WANTS to save us. He WILL give us plenty of grace, and good works to do, and capacity for faith. We just need to use our free will to OPEN our hearts to RECEIVE it, WILLINGLY, and RESPOND to His gifts in COOPERATION with Him.
I can't say any more. I'm burnt out. Words fail where intuition sings. I do such a poor job of expressing my faith. God forgive me.

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Book devotionals ALL HIT HARD TODAY

Kids= "Some people commit their lives to prayer and worship. They pray like they are preparing for battle. The world needs lots of prayer warriors."
IS THAT US??? Can we actually consider ourselves a warrior in prayer, with how much we do pray now?
God please, I hope so. As selfish as it sounds, that's what we want. We WANT to serve God's holy Purposes just that ardently and absolutely, just like preparing for battle... because, honestly, we ARE. 
...

ttywpf = GOD CAN & DOES SPEAK TO YOU IN MANY WAYS. DON'T EXCLUDE ANYTHING.
"Listen to your daily reality"
God "knocks on your door" THROUGH PEOPLE, EVENTS, & PLACES. You NEED to be LISTENING and PAYING ATTENTION.
"What is God TRYING to tell YOU this week?"

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Starting Matthew Henry's commentary today.

"Let us see what honours were heaped on the head of the Lord Jesus, even in the depths of His humiliation. I. Mary did Him honour, by anointing his feet at the supper in Bethany; II. The common people did Him honour, with their acclamations of joy, when He rode in triumph into Jerusalem; III. The Greeks did Him honour, by enquiring after Him with a longing desire to see Him; IV. God the Father did him honour, by a voice from heaven, bearing testimony to Him; V. He had honour done him by the Old Testament prophets, who foretold the infidelity of those that heard the report of Him; VI. He had honour done him by some of the chief rulers, whose consciences witnessed for Him, though they had not courage to own it; VII. He claimed honour to Himself, by asserting His divine mission, and the account He gave of His errand into the world."
I paste this list because Christ is still humiliated in our increasingly Godless culture by those who still seek to kill Him, and so we Christians must increasingly in turn heap honors on Him in every way we can, in whatever state of life we are uniquely in, for He is Lord of All. These are enlightening examples when we are at a loss with our own feeble means.
1. Christ is honored at home, at dinner even, when we wait on others with charity, and provide lovingly for their basic needs.
2. Christ is honored whenever we "pour out" our reserves for His sake & purposes, whenever we "break our alabaster box" of worldly treasure to comfort Him with it instead of ourselves.
3. Christ is honored whenever we rejoice in our faith.
4. Christ is honored whenever we readily welcome Him as King into our lives, especially in unexpected ways.
5. Christ is honored whenever we sincerely long for Him and diligently search for Him.
6. Christ is honored whenever we turn from selfish ways or pursuits to seek His Face instead-- when we seek His glory and not our own pride.
7. Christ is honored when we listen to & obey God speaking to us in Scripture and in the Magisterium.
8. Christ is honored when we give our testimony to His saving work in our lives.
9. Christ is honored when we speak out in 'prophetic' warning against the evils of our modern world.
10. Christ is honored when we admonish sinners in charity to turn them back to God.
11. Christ is honored when we proclaim His Truth in holy opposition to the lies of the modern world.
12. Christ is honored when we faithfully listen to our conscience.
13. Christ is honored when we bravely stand up for Him when others reject & insult Him.
14. Christ is honored when we do not hide or deny our faith, even if it puts us at risk of loss or harm.
15. Christ is honored when we assert His Divinity as the Son of God.
16. Christ is honored when we proclaim His divine mission of salvation to the world, and in charity, guide others to truly believe in Him, so they too can have eternal life in Him.
17. Christ is honored when we pray to Him, especially for mercy on behalf of others.
18. Christ is honored when we forgive those who have hurt or offended us, especially unjustly.
19. Christ is honored when we choose to pick up our Cross and follow Him to Calvary.
20. Christ is honored when we choose to help others carry theirs.


"Devout men set time apart before [the Passover], to prepare themselves for that solemnity, and thus it became our Lord Jesus to fulfil all righteousness. Thus He has set us an example of solemn self-sequestration, before the solemnities of the Gospel passover; let us hear the voice crying, Prepare ye the way of the Lord."
To "sequester" is effectively to "isolate" or even "quarantine"-- it is to "separate oneself from" the world. We NEED to do this TO PREPARE TO MEET GOD-- and yes, EVEN AT DAILY MASS. Routine attendance does not exempt you from still striving for sacred readiness. Every day, JESUS IS THERE. In all honesty, as a saint once said, every moment of our daily life should be in both preparation and thanksgiving for the Eucharist, no exceptions. Jesus meets us and comes to live IN us. Therefore our every heartbeat and breath must be consecrated to Him, even by Him. This is the most important thing we can do, for the Eucharist is a foretaste of Heaven itself; the better we prepare for it and live in His Presence now, the more prepared we will be to enter fully into that Reality in blessed eternity.
I also paste this because, naturally, our disposition IS to be private, and studious, and quiet. We WANT to be continually solemn, and prayerful, and devout in our anticipation of Christ. But somewhere along the line, we "learned" that "we HAVE to socialize"? And that required being loud, talkative, public, foolish, irreverent, and giddy. It makes us MISERABLE. We do not want to be like that; it's like a disease. Yet we feel obligated, compelled, forced.
We need this holy permission to abandon that soulless behavior and instead cultivate a constant joyful yet sober vigilance in awaiting and serving Christ in all things. No matter where we are eternally, our soul must constantly be "sequestered" to pray in its innermost rooms. We must always be preparing to meet our Lord.

"Our Lord Jesus was voluntary in [all] His sufferings; His life was not forced from Him, but resigned... as the strength of His persecutors could not overpower Him, so their subtlety could not surprise Him, but He died because He would."
It is important to always remember that "voluntary" means "without begrudging." Too often I see people-- myself included-- "choosing" to suffer but being miserable about it. We're "resigned" to suffering in the same way we are resigned to watching our house burn down. We completely skew the definitions and this actually does a great dishonor to Christ!
First off, something I wish I had known years ago: to "willingly" do something, you have to WANT to do it. "Consent" cannot be forced or imitated. If we're resisting the whole time, complaining or cursing or even crying, then we're not actually willing to do that thing-- even if we "chose to" or "volunteered." Our decision may have been externally compelled, but our WILL was not, even if we kept telling ourself it was. All the talk in the world won't convince a heart that feels. I've been through trauma that I kept trying to convince myself I "wanted" because I "had to". THAT'S NOT VOLUNTARY.
Before I start getting more flashbacks, let me conclude. To "volunteer" to suffer, like Christ did, you genuinely have to want to suffer, and naturally human beings don't. It's simple, God-intended life-preservation instinct. To overcome it, you must be acting from a spiritual motive, as opposed to a physical one... but there's a twist. Either your spiritual motive is of God, and oriented towards the "Law of Life," seeking eternal life through self-sacrifice for God's glory... OR it is a spirit motive from the fallen spirits, who want to DESTROY both physical and eternal life in you, by emphasizing the power of death. The key to discernment = YOU'LL FEEL THE DIFFERENCE. TRUST ME. Demons might have been angels once but there's no holiness in them, and THAT elicits an even MORE visceral fear of death in the human soul that physical destruction even can... unless you're numb through repeatedly rejecting grace, which would probably put you into that very situation.
I keep rambling. This needs to stop.
Jesus VOLUNTEERED with LOVING ENTHUSIASM because He knew His sufferings were FOR OUR GOOD.
Jesus WILLED to die EVEN THOUGH HIS HUMANITY WAS FRIGHTENED because He KNEW that death was going to SAVE ALL OF HUMANITY FROM THAT FEAR and nothing could stop His Love for us.
THAT'S the key. It's LOVE.
Look at parents, at caretakers, who daily sacrifice their lives & willingly suffer pain & loss & difficulties for the sake of relieving or sharing the suffering of a loved one. Look at frontline workers, at soldiers, at the clergy!
...

"This visit was an instance of his kindness to his friends at Bethany, whom he loved, and from whom he was shortly to be taken away. This was a farewell visit; he came to take leave of them, and to leave with them words of comfort against the day of trial that was approaching. Note, Though Christ depart for a time from his people, he will give them intimations that he departs in love, and not in anger."
This is something I want desperately to accept as true & integrate, because I struggle with it so much.
First... if Christ is "with us always," how does He "depart from us"?
My immediate thought was, "when I can't receive the Eucharist." "When I experience dryness in prayer." "When I beg for an answer or a sign and I get nothing, I hear nothing  I feel nothing." Christ never actually "left" His friends, either-- His Heart was always with them, even before His Resurrection-- but His tangible, visible Presence would be out their perception.
I think that's what this means, to me at least. Jesus, as God, IS omnipresent. That doesn't mean I can't be numb & blind to that Reality sometimes. That doesn't mean my spirit-radio will always be tuned in to that frequency-- or even able TO pick it up! Jesus's "absence" is only ever in appearance, not in Truth... but that doesn't make it any less of a departure from us, on some mortally limited human level.
However. With that in mind, consider the text.
First, Jesus never "leaves" His friends without leaving them words of comfort, to strengthen them in the trials-- in the darkness-- that will inevitably come in His "absence".
Second, Jesus never leaves His people out of anger or spite. As all His actions, even His departures are chosen in the utmost Love for us.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a very true phrase, when the heart in question is both in love and assured of love.
...

"Bethany is here described to be the town where Lazarus was, whom Christ raised from the dead. The miracle wrought here put a new honour upon the place, and made it remarkable. Christ came hither to observe what improvement was made of this miracle; for where Christ works wonders, and shows signal favours, He looks after them, to see whether the intention of them be answered. Where He has sown plentifully, He observes whether it comes up again."
OH WOW WHAT A GAME-CHANGING PERSPECTIVE.
It's so obviously true, yet how did we never ever think of it before? I guess we weren't ready to hear it. Thank You God for teaching us now.
But this carries MASSIVE responsibility, as true faith always does.
We were just discussing how Christ's miracles were ALL ultimately meant, by giving apparent proofs of His Divinity, to inspire people to have faith in Him as God's Son, and so to bring them to salvation & eternal life in Him. BUT that seed would take time to evidence growth after it had been sown! So He WOULD return to inspect the soil, to water it further even, and even tend it once it sprouted. I cannot imagine Him abandoning a garden-plot that had honestly yielded to the planting, so to speak.
But HAVE WE? Remember, we must COOPERATE. God is indeed the Sower, but how is our ground? Do WE welcome the initial seed, to show that we WANT it to grow, so the Gardener will recognize our soul AS a receptively fertile place, and welcome to His authoritative entry?
Here's the big question. What miracles HAS Christ worked in YOUR life? You know He has. How have you responded to that honor He gave you by them? HAVE you answered His intention? Have you "improved upon" the work of salvation begun in you? Have YOU worked to help that seed spring up again?
When people describe the "Bethany" of your life, do they have reason to call it the place "where Christ raised this one from the dead"?
...

"They made him a supper; for with them, ordinarily, supper was the best meal. This they did in token of their respect and gratitude, for a feast is made for friendship; and that they might have an opportunity of free and pleasant conversation with him, for a feast is made for fellowship. Perhaps it is in allusion to this and the like entertainments given to Christ in the days of his flesh that he promises, to such as open the door of their hearts to him, that he will sup with them, Revelation 3:20."
As someone who had a ravaging eating disorder for 20 years, I have always struggled with verses like this-- which is a serious obstacle to my faith, as food references are EVERYWHERE in the Gospel, and typically in the language OF SALVATION. So I need to heal this aspect of the disorder wounds, too-- but I cannot do it by myself, obviously. I've tried and I am literally incapable. I need the light of grace. I need Jesus's actual help.
Let's start small.
Supper was the best meal-- the most generous portions, the highest quality food & drink, the most welcoming atmosphere I'm sure. It was the natural expression of respect, to honor Him with their absolute best, and of gratitude, to give as lavishly as possible. This speaks for itself in worship application, but what about the "supper" aspect? It wasn't just a gift, however stupendous-- no, a meal given is always personal, always taking time, always for friendship.
I struggle so much with that.
...
The even bigger difficulty is that "a meal is for free & pleasant conversation." Guess what I CANNOT do during a meal on pain of meltdowns? TALK.
...
"A feast is made for fellowship." It's not forced? It's not for fighting? It's not poisoned, not for gorging, not going to make you sick & scared?
...
Then Christ-- God Himself-- RETURNS the gesture.
...
...


"Christ had formerly reproved Martha for being troubled with much serving. But she did not therefore leave off serving, as some, who, when they are reproved for one extreme, peevishly run into another; no, still she served; not as then at a distance, but within hearing of Christ's gracious words... better be a waiter at Christ's table than a guest at the table of a prince."
...Oh. That's what I did with my talents, I guess.
...Its odd that THAT was my immediate thought. "I was reproved for my talents, so I abandoned them completely." Is that my parallel to Martha? Were my talents my way OF serving? Is THAT why I'm so miserable and unfulfilled now, feeling purposeless and inert, although I'm "doing what Christ wanted"? But He never said to stop serving. He never told Martha to quit. He only said that she was troubled about many things, and there was need of only one thing-- the Greek implies that He spoke to her heart; that she was "pulled in all directions," her "mind in tumult", "distracted" and even "terrified with anxiety." But despite all her troubles, "only one thing is needed." There is only one thing, the "good portion," the single concern out of all possible concerns that it WAS necessary TO be concerned about.... and that very "concern" brought a peace that "would not be taken away." What is that one thing, that "oligon", that "little thing"? It is, in all astounding simplicity, Jesus. Salvation. Truth. Eternal Life. THAT is ALL we need to be "worried" about.
...
And I was convinced my talents were getting in His way, so I buried them.
...