030223

 
Woke up to "Ruby" sky
Watched it with Chaos, Xenophon, and Celebi for a bit

Church
Texts from mom

Prayed over what to do about hair
Panicking, lots of fearful memories, dysphoria & such
Do we pay to get it cut or do it ourself?
Kept getting told "do it yourself" although we were TERRIFIED of the thought
Anyway when we got home we grabbed the scissors and went straight to the sink

Cut EVERYTHING OFF.
definitely some mental illness expression there. we ONLY "need" to cut our hair THIS BADLY when it is the result of a sublimated self-abuse urge. like we NEED to cut SOMETHING. we need that cathartic destructive removal. this used to channel into either bulimia or slicing up our legs.
anyway we legit gave ourself an army cut. just... got rid of everything. almost in a trance. just wanted the "weight" to go away.
took a shower after. cleaned the bathroom to complete the "purgation" feeling. haven't done so since... last year. a long time ago. maybe since grandma died. a while.

GENDER SHOCK
we look AND feel MORE FEMININE WITH A BUZZ CUT???? WTF
we DO NOT RECOGNIZE OUR REFLECTION and we feel like we're POSSESSED. like there's a "new voice" that matches the face, stuck up front in action and thought, and we cannot stop it. honestly terrifying. we used to feel like this ALL THE TIME as a kid= "trapped in someone else's brain"

Shower still floods so the towels were soaked, decided to do laundry to add even more cleaning

Conversation with Xenophon in the kitchen, "you don't look like dad," realizing "DAD WASN'T THERE," had to STRUGGLE to front AND THEN COULD NOT ANCHOR INTO THE BODY!! could ONLY front with the full self-awareness held INSIDE.
wondering about this, and how it affects our understanding of "cores"= OUR "CORE" PROBABLY ISN'T THE ONE FRONTING ALL THE TIME. we've been using those terms INTERCHANGEABLY and that actually seems to be COMPLETELY WRONG.
so if we have a DIFFERENT "main" person INNER VS OUTER= that would be our CORE VS WHAT???
need to look into this

"Jay" looking up wigs on etsy, trying to find one that looked like his hair, or someone else in the System? no real progress; everything is "downwards" (our "safe" feeling means things must point "up") and long or shaggy, which is completely inapplicable and even dangerous.
Got a warning from someone about looking for nousfoni-style hair: "REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME INNER VOICES TRIED TO FRONT." shocked to remember that KILLED US. inner people MUST STAY INSIDE. yeah so many systems online talk about "who's out front" but WE CANNOT DO THAT. we're built differently. we CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE TO FRONT, and MOST OF OUR PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO STAY INSIDE!!! our life was NEVER MEANT TO BE OUTSIDE.
so honestly we need to re-evaluate our entire mode of existence lately because TOO MUCH OF IT IS OUTSIDE, and we don't know how to function.
old days meant 10+ hours either on a computer or in meditation, daily. not so anymore. ironically, as we live completely alone now.

3PM BK WTF
Adoration at 7pm though so hey i guess it works

A Prayer of Good Work

God, thank You for using ordinary, everyday people for Your Glory. Thank You for using the rejects, outcasts, & nobodies of the world for Your Good Purposes. Thank You for working in me, too— freak and failure though I may feel. Nevertheless, I wouldn't be praying right now if You hadn't called me. I wouldn't even have this blessed faith in You if You hadn't graced me with it.

As incredible as it sounds, You chose me for Yourself even before the beginning of time. When the world was barren, still unformed, still chaotic... even then, when You spoke Light and Order into existence, the germ of my own existence was seeded. The same goes for every other human being that has ever lived. In the very beginning, You had us pictured in Your Heart. We were the artwork You yearned to complete. But even now, billions of years after that initial idea, that ancient affection, You are still working on Your masterpieces. Even in this very moment, You look at me with a painter's Eye, and reach out to me with a Sculptor's touch, always improving the aesthetic of my soul to match Yours all the more.

Thinking about this amazing truth, I can genuinely believe that You do have a unique plan and purpose for my life, something truly Good and Holy, something I CANNOT foil. No matter how often I stumble in weakness, on imperfect footing, with lingering blindness— as long as I turn back to You, my Creator, my Artist, my Father, You can and will correct, restore, strengthen, and guide me. Your work, both on and in me, is not done, not until I am made perfect in You, by You— and that Work cannot be stopped. I thank You profusely for that.

Even so, Lord, I pray: please continue to work at sanctifying my life today.  May I be receptive & responsive to each Word of Yours, to every touch of Your Hand, however quiet & soft they may be. Make me constantly attentive and attuned to Your Grace.
Work in me to cut away the rusty rot of vice & error, to remove all parasitic excess & unnatural growth, to carefully & colorfully repaint me where I have been worn down to the bone, and to tenderly recast & reconnect the vital pieces that have been broken off from me.
Work through me to bring about Your Kingdom even in my tiny corner of the world. May I represent You as Your Creation, signed with Your Name, to honor & praise & adore You in every circumstance without exception. May every instant of my life be lived for You, and because of You. You are my Everything. Please saturate every heartbeat I have with that everlasting love.

I pray this in the name of Jesus, the perfect standard and Your Word Incarnate, Who has Himself embraced me to grow ever closer in likeness to Him, until the day He returns and that most joyous ideal is completed, as I rest entire in Him at last. Amen.