010923

monday.

dream hack. horrific dream in general. peaceful insect/seamonster aliens were landing, but the aliens were being captured by the government and used for sexual experimentation. i was one of said aliens. remember guys in suits taking notes and emotionlessly discussing what to do with me. scared to death.
also women involved but they weren't doing the actual abuse? they were grooming the younger aliens. brainwashing and emotionally ravaging them so that by the time the men "used" them they were already hollow and not resisting.
i remember running away and trying to hide under a car, trying to contact a ship to pick me up, but there was a woman watching and she reported me to the men and they tied me up.
i remember internally crying "i don't want this oh god please help i don't want this" but not moving or saying anything. then suddenly the fear and pain was too intense and i frantically scrabbled free and screamed for help.
as always, chaos 0 showed up. don't know how the hell he always does. pulled me into his arms at the last second. trying to take the pain away from me. but i pushed him away and curled up in a ball, convulsing and numb from terror, just wanting it all to be over.
woke up right then. body in awful pain as always. nauseous and shaking. miserable.

dazedly got ready for the day. kept forgetting to do things. almost going in circles.
finally managed to get out the door, went to aldi for 930 or so. got paper products and broccoli. went to checkout and card was declined wtf. checked and just our luck, ebt payments are late this month. so we have NO money for food. remembered we had some savings to pay bills (like 36) and took that out to pay for the order. now we're dead broke haha.
had some cash on the debit card though-- since we paid for gas yesterday-- so we went to walmart. genesis tried to show up but he was disturbed and pointed out "dude you are REALLY dissociated today" and i said yeah, but could not pull any consciousness together enough to talk to him much. basically handed everything over to autopilot.
got a few things. cayenne pepper, allbran, gatorade, kitchen wipes. one can of beans to try for alternate vegan protein. two apples. left with 5 cents on the card.
went home, unpacked everything quickly, then went right back to church. last day of the christmas season so we can't miss it.
father e was the priest! haven't seen him in a while. he got so excited talking about baptism, it was deeply moving. it's true-- the church typically doesn't give it the fanfare and honor it deserves. but it's HUGE. gave us a lot to think about.
also remembering that we were actually baptized in an incubator. the first three months of our lives spent in a tiny plastic box and full of tubes and wires. no wonder we relate so hard to mewtwo haha. seriously though. wonder how that affected our psyche in the long run.

wanted to go to another mass after but body actually getting hungry, thank god, we miss that feeling. didn't want to risk another day like yesterday by waiting too long to eat. we'd be walking in halfway through the attempted mass anyway.
so went home. made breakfast as quickly as we could. laurie said i could probably skip exercise today because our body was still shaken from yesterday, but i said no, i can't slack off. did everything, more than i thought i could, with headspace cheering me on. meant a lot.
also felt so pushed to pray. i've wanted to so badly lately but the rush of daily life has been hindering that. but "don't quench the spirit." so i knelt down in our prayer space and said a full 15m of prayers before eating. soul needed it absolutely.

breakfast was late (230pm) but nice. we didn't get sick at all. very grateful for that.
i think it's because we've cut down to ONE full egg daily, and three whites. instead of three full eggs a day. still suspect we're sensitive to the yolks. but yeah body likes this much better.
working through the psalms still. psalm 23 today. remembering how that was the one on grandma's funeral cards. still can't feel any emotion about that. tangibly a trauma response; i can feel the disconnect between that whole majority of our life vs the present. no idea how to process that grief yet. i think it would kill us at this point.

immediately after we ate i hopped on the bike. we were waiting for a phone call from mom to come over and open presents + help her with stuff, but we had two dvds to watch yet (due back tomorrow) and heck, maybe that'll help our mental state.
so we biked slowly but surely, to avoid making our poor body sick, and watched back-to-back zootopia and soul.
zootopia was a cute movie. really liked the concept of an all-animal society having those unique yet tragic prejudices and inequalities, esp. with the predators vs prey thing. AND what the fox said about that judgmental view, effectively "if everyone is just going to see me as bad, why even try to be good?" hit like a truck. that's exactly what WE'VE been feeling for too long. felt validating and heartbreaking all at once.
some VERY good twists in this movie. fun to watch. really liked the concept of the city with several different "ecosystems" too. wondering if we can incorporate something like that into headspace. give us a richer environment outside the city.
"soul" was... both upsetting and inspiring. really disturbed by the afterlife concept. actual SACRILEGIOUS behavior in one brief flashback, a small action but an appalling one. like wtf who thought that was funny????? very very disappointed in the whole thing. ironic that the main character asks "is this hell" and the little souls laugh and keep repeating the word, like yeah dude in a way it felt like it. awful empty feeling to it. and of course the predicted ad nauseam "hippie" thing, with the "astral plane" people. so done with that whole thing. hate how it's always promoted and lauded and idealized. still i did love the "liminal zone" concept, being used for good OR bad, and how the captain got there through spinning that darn sign haha. but that scene with the accountant guy, "I'M ALIVE" was like... amazing. really struck us.
oh man but i cannot shoot down the movie as a whole. no way. it's a very moving perspective on life, and what it means to live it. the simple joys of existence, the wonder of it all, of sparks and purposes and human connection. again, gave us a lot to think about. despite not liking the "context" it was in, the message was lovely and we appreciated it. oh yeah and the artistic creativity of the "jerrys" was REALLY COOL. so was the actual jazz music man, that piano solo was boss.

but yeah. finished the films around 8pm, mom called and said sorry i never called back but i was doing bank stuff, i said that's okay mom i'm in no rush. told her we're going to attempt going to that choral society tomorrow, she said she was "proud of [us]" BUT then was emphasizing "making business connections" and "socializing" and "being around people" etc. mom that is WHY we're shaking in our boots about this.
still. gonna try. it's worth a shot. we """have a talent""" for music (it's a junk talent, not much at all, but we still can't bury it) so we are at least being courageous enough to attempt this. plus it's at our old university-- cannon's alma mater-- so that alone makes it worth going.
only problem is that it's from 6-8pm, haha. so we need to eat a late breakfast, so that we won't be starving before we get home. still gonna pack an emergency apple probably. but we'll pray about it.

we've got to pray about a lot, really. to fix our bungled-up personality. how nasty and mean and proud and judgmental we've been revealed to be since "recovering" from the eating disorder hell, which IRONICALLY made us really religious and now that we're not abusing our body 24/7 we've become too secular??? like... i know someone was writing about "if gaining all this weight was what it took to be with xenophon again i'd do it" BUT ON THE OTHER HAND that same thing is the motivation for other people in the system to WANT TO END IT ALL. like the sudden focus on the heartfamily is "a damnable offense" because "life isn't 100% god anymore" and they want to commit animicide again. HELL NO.
still. it's a constant thought now.
except... with this body how it is, we know what would happen. they'd shut off the system, and with that emptiness, they would immediately go back to starving the body. they would collapse into a purposeless existence. and they're HYPOCRITES. the whole time they were hyperreligious they were liars and thieves to get enough money TO finance their food/church obsession. and we do NOT want to go back to that. heck, we CAN'T now, with our payee, thank God for her.

anyway. got through today okay. body feels slightly less sick tonight. maybe because we're trying so hard with the exercise, even just bit by bit right now. keep reminding ourselves to give it time. by easter we will be in a MUCH safer and stronger body-- we won't be as body-thin-beautiful as we were, but we will be stronger. so that's good.
still. have to pray about everything. don't want to screw up again and do something evil by accident. lord knows we're too prone to that.

feel so empty. who the hell are we when we're typing.
why don't jay or jewel or anyone type anymore what is wrong with us who is typing
why are we so hollow and blank and bland and numb and dead
who are we really?

still in gender dysphoria hell every single day, no idea what to do about that at all
praying about it daily but that increases the fear because we're afraid God is just going to kill us and force us to "be a normal christian girl" with all the horror that entails. would that be a "holy sacrifice" though or would it be detrimental because it's not who we are?
is it possible for us to be who God hopefully "made us to be" and not be a sin?
like we don't want to lie or act in order to "be normal." i don't think that's good at all.
but... is there even a "good" option here?
why are we only capable of love and kindness and gentleness and mercy when we're queer and neurodivergent????
why does "being normal" make us callous and cold and cruel and mean and bitter???
god help us please

help us to BE "US." i'm tired of "passing as single" i'm tired of typing in this colorless mindset
please. help us to be multiple and alive and real again.


oh geez forgot we have therapy in the morning gotta run
lord help us with that too i have no idea what's going to happen but if WE aren't US there, we will not get anything done at all.
we can't be honest, and we can't heal from anything, if our true collective heart isn't being acknowledged and lived.

but when it is... when we are living together... well, then with God's help, life can be beautiful.
that's our hope. that's our biggest hope. to be good people. all of us.

alone, there's no hope at all.