010823

sunday.

couldn't sleep. nervous and nauseous thinking about that damned ccm dinner mom insisted we attend.

packed an emergency apple in case we needed it.
went to our church, sang two masses in a row, barely remember it though because we were so shaken-up inside with nerves. what were we going to do, how would we cope, etc. kept pleading for God to help us, saying "i put it in Your hands" but the worries kept coming back into the pit of our stomach. terrible.

after mass, drank some more holy water, and refused to go to the dinner at first. went to sje for their final christmas-season mass.
...best decision. the homily meant so much. deacon was preaching and he has SUCH a vocabulary and speaking style; every homily he gives feels more like an inspirational speech. educational and moving.

checked phone after. several missed calls and texts from mom. "where are you" etc. we felt horrible for "snubbing" her even though we were scared. told her we were a panicked mess but that we would be there. had hoped they would just do the thing without us but no. so we gave up and went up.
shaking horribly. dissociating before we even walked in.
whole group in a back room. like... twelve old ladies plus the priest and secretary. they weren't even eating. having a MEETING instead. everyone miffed and arguing over things. made our mood worse. there is always such dissension at these meetings and it makes us nauseous
refused to order food or even drink water. any sort of ingestion in this sort of stressful public environment, especially in close quarters, would feel like rape.
ultimately told mom to order something to take home for the siblings.
she kept talking even as she was packing to leave. we never noticed just how talkative she was until it hit us that, besides her, maybe only three people at the table had spoken up, and mom was directing the conversations, speaking like she was boss.
god i'm sorry we're like that too aren't we
hate it

by the time we got home it was almost 3pm.
put "breakfast" together for ~430 and tried to eat but we were so shaken and dissociated, the body couldn't tolerate eating.
honestly threw up almost immediately. shaking all over. tried again. threw up again.
at this point numb from fear but still praying hysterically. god why won't you help us please. so tired of this. so scared. don't want to be sick. don't want to go back to living like this.
attempt #3 was around 9pm and a success. barely though. felt so absolutely wrecked and dead we just gave up on everything and went to bed