prayer journal 03

No matter what deep hurts you carry from others, God has provided you an example of ultimate love; use this Love to get through the pain.
Why is love important in life? How has God revealed His love to you?

God Himself is Love; ALL things are created BY Love and FOR Love. Without it, everything falls apart. Love is the source of ALL other virtues-- joy, peace, patience, faith, hope, gentleness, courage, kindness, etc.-- and it is ALSO their ultimate aim & end! Love is the Heart of the very cosmos.
God has revealed His Love to me most profoundly in His Son, Who CHOSE to suffer & die FOR MY SAKE, to both save & redeem me from the sins I was trapped in & enslaved to. By His Love, I am FREE... to love!!! But... that revelation is deepened through the beautiful love He gives me through others.

UPMC journal 101222

post-breakfast//

+ I apologize that I haven't been journaling-- I've been focused on workbooks instead, as those are directly contributing to my recovery; this journal is secondary, only for reflection & processing. On that note, I'm continuing to face "fear/ worry foods" and I'm ALSO continuing to see those anxiety levels fall! Today I had the french toast w/ syrup, and I WASN'T SCARED AT ALL! I'm learning to legit enjoy it. Next week I think I'll try it with jelly? Grandma liked hers that way. ♥ Today the texture was lovely, both chewy & soft. Honestly the jury's still out on the syrup, opinion-wise, but THAT, too, is becoming less scary! Same with the applesauce-- BUT, bizarrely, of ALL the remaining "fear foods," THAT ONE is the most stubborn?? Which is bizarre! The "apple" is fine-- apples aren't frightening anymore; just slightly anxious yet-- BUT the ACT OF EATING IT IS??? The texture and watery-but-not-fluid-OR-gelly consistency evokes DREAD when I eat it-- SO DOES THE SPOON??? So APPARENTLY, there is SOME SORT OF "TRAUMA" involving EATING WITH A SPOON, NOTABLY A PLASTIC ONE (they have that particular shape & depth)!! And honestly, looking at THAT data, I wonder-- I think ALL foods feel "unsafe/ humiliating/ dreadful" when eaten with a plastic spoon. Assumedly a METAL one, shallow & rounder, would NOT have that effect? I will have to experiment. NEVERTHELESS, even the thought of eating applesauce with a fork is scary, because apparently the APPLESAUCE is still frightening on its own; it's not just the spoon. All I can figure is that the family dinner stress was higher than I can imagine now? I'm stumped. Ah well. Regardless of context blur/ loss, I can STILL heal & positivize it NOW... I hope!! But I'll take it one day at a time. No rushing, no forcing. I'll do what I can & we'll see what happens.
+ NOW. About tomorrow morning! I've decided on the banana again-- I can finally FEEL the seeds of "liking" it; ESPECIALLY when cold!-- but my brain is, as usual, obsessively freaking out over the dear muffin, because "that's or only proper chance to try the jelly AND honey again safely!!" Well, we CAN put honey in tea, OR on the Sunday cream cheese even, AND jelly can go on it too, or the french toast... BUT, really, they're right-- adding jelly/ honey would markedly disturb the integrity of those meals? The muffin feels safer, BECAUSE MOM puts honey & jelly on muffins! So we're debating. I think honey tomorrow, jelly on Friday-- because tomorrow also has a banana, which is tied in childhood memory TO honey? But I don't want to be disordered by putting honey ON it, either. So it's a stressful decision. WE COULD JUST SAY "NO," YOU KNOW!!! WE ARE ALLOWED TO EAT THE MUFFIN PLAIN, THE WAY WE LIKE IT!! And that IS true, and actually MAYBE WE SHOULD-- this "compulsive" choice is UNHEALTHY; it's "teaching us" TO GIVE IN TO COMPULSIONS, no matter how "healthy" they seem!! Using a condiment "BECAUSE WE HAVE TO"/ "BECAUSE WE DON'T "LIKE IT" ENOUGH YET" is TOXIC. It's not coming from a state of FREE, CLEAR CHOICE. And until it is, we should practice saying "NO" and LEARNING TO COPE WITH THE OCD "REFUSAL PANIC!!" Literally, there's this solid fear that IF we "SAY NO" to a "THOUGHT ORDER" or "right compulsion"-- an obsessive forced choice that appears to be well-intentioned-- we will "REGRET IT" and "be SORELY PUNISHED FOR OUR STUBBORN, WILLFUL DISOBEDIENCE/ RESISTANCE/ CONTRARINESS." But TOWARDS WHOM??? It sure isn't GOD insisting we "MUST" eat honey & jelly "or else we'll have DONE THE WRONG THING"!!! The assumption is, "if you DON'T like/ want a food, and REFUSE to therefore eat it WHEN you have the chance to, YOU ARE A MORAL COWARD and therefore you don't ACTUALLY want to "get better" because you're not MAKING YOURSELF OVERCOME THOSE FEARS/ DISLIKES (seen as synonymous)!!!" So we can't win/ do good at ALL, UNLESS/ UNTIL WE DO "like them." Which just PROMOTES BINGE BEHAVIOR VIA DESPERATELY "FORCING" EXPOSURE "TO HEAL ALREADY." THAT'S DISORDERED!!!