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060718
2:39 am.
we miss the ocean. god we miss it so much it hurts like an iron anchor dropped right into the middle of our chest. a heavy metallic weight, a taste of blood and salt in the back of our throat. hands reaching out for foam and tides and sobbing when we can't feel sand under our feet. aching for the warmth of the sun and the air and the barnacles on the dock and the seagulls careening above and the shells washed up under the indigo rose dawn. rain on the beach. silver moonlight above. endless bottleglass green gray gorgeous heaven like death stretching on forever before you, washing over you, filling you to the bloodstream. god we miss it so much we could die.
I swear, that's a life goal now. somehow make it big, make enough cash to buy one of those beach houses. we were looking them up online today actually. beachfront property prices. where things are, what the specs are, what the cost averages are. we need to get enough money to afford both the initial purchase and the upkeep. but I swear we'd be happy there. us and OV & MC. if they'd want to, of course. it's the future. but even just a simple life like we have now. breakfast together, working on our computers, walking outside, doing leagueworld work, reading and drawing and listening to music. sleeping together. dreaming together. and heck there'd be even more in the future. we'd own instruments and we'd have an art studio. we'd have a real piano for god's sake. I'd have a bike. we'd spend our days in bliss and creativity and life will be wonderful.
one day. one day.
we'll wander down to the beach every morning, if we felt like it. I'd just lie on the beach and write and dream and we'd meander up and down the shoreline with jewel daydreaming for hours like she used to as the sun came up. life will be perfect.
the beach, or the forest, my mind says. why not both? I'm sure there are areas of beach within reasonable distance of actual lush forests, of real green beautiful trees. celebi's element, and chaos's element. we'll have both and we'll be deeply happy.
speaking of woods.
we need to visit pennsylvania once more. just once more. while our dearly beloved grandmother is still alive. we ache for her too; she is our mother as far as care is concerned and we miss her terribly. but we have to be smart about it. that place is no beach house. it's full of trauma memories and old terrors and new fears and god knows what else. we barely survived a week last time; we'll only stay for a week this time.
there's not much we can do there. we don't have a room, or internet access, or real phone service. we don't have a car. we don't live within any reasonable distance of a food store or a library or anything. all we have is the woods. and god that's enough. that's all we need.
when we visit, this last time, we'll spend as much time with her as we can, I swear. but when we have time to ourselves, we'll go outside. before those awful construction companies mow it all down, we'll go into those dearly beloved woods and live there as much as we can. we must. we owe it to them. we miss them so much.
we miss the woods here, too. we've been too afraid to go out running since we were mugged since our current phone doesn't have reliable service at all, and the battery dies within hours. so it's unwise to go out with it. but we'll start a savings fund for a new good phone. next month we'll finally have the old one paid off so maybe for our one year anniversary of moving out we'll buy ourselves a new galaxy. that would be perfect.
we don't just miss the beach, we miss ourselves.
that's why were typing here now, at 2:50 in the morning, feeling more at home and alive and happy and real and heartachingly hopeful than we have in weeks. we miss this; we need this.
we miss pennsylvania so much we could cry, too. we have to admit that. we did break into sobs over it on tuesday, the morning we went to the bank. we stood in our room and held that little shopping list in our grandmother's handwriting that we found in our pants pocket and we just sobbed bitterly. in that moment we almost regretted moving. the pain was that intense. god we miss her, we miss that little life, we miss it. we can't ever get it back. ever. that mourning still hasn’t occurred and it's going to kill us if we don't take time to do so. it may take weeks, months, years. it took years to recover from losing utah and our loved ones there. so we must be prepared for that. and yet we cannot run from it.
we miss the beach so much we could sob too, miss the taste of the salt water, miss the particular feel of the day-burn, miss the cold breezes off the ocean and miss the soft mornings in the duvet.
we want a life like that with chaos zero. we do. god we do.
hiraeth has things like that. why don't we? why did we never consider that option before? well it's time now. why the heck not build places in headspace, why not? we have that right. we can. we have a beach right by the city. let's extend the coastline further down, so it's not so close to the hustle and bustle of the streets-- extend it into a paradise, a sea embraced by trees and cliffs and quiet, stretching on forever, deep aquamarine blue. his ocean. his heart. god I miss him. god I love him.
imagine xenophon and shinzou and that other possible kid growing up there. (yes I swear there's three somehow. at least. their origin phenomenon is fascinating. only xennie is solid. but I swear I'll find the others.) imagine them running about and playing on the beach, on the veranda, on the dunes, in the wet forests, while me and chaos and celebi and laurie and genesis and infinitii and everyone anyone else relax in the house, or wander about with them, or whatever else we feel like, close to them, full of joy and wonder under the brilliant warm sun. that infinite sky, the clouds like heaven manifest, stretching out just as high as the sea is deep, or at least feeling like it. and the sounds of birds and leaves and water from the forests behind us. life and life and life, endless and beautiful and true and real. in our heart. in our head. invincible, perfect, everlasting. real. and ours.
we need a name for it. something like hiraeth. yes that's a beloved feeling too. but it doesn't define us. we'll find something. I promise.
it's 3am. I think I'm going to go sit on the porch and browse tumblr for headspace imagery and shamelessly reblog it to our account, because why not; if we're too afraid to post reflections of our life on there without censorship then we might as well not have a tumblr at all.
I love you, all of you.
I'll find my name yet. nights like this "jae" still feels right. so does "cosmos," as my second name, somehow. I can feel that too. some sort of derivative of it. I'll find it.
one day I'll fully stabilize into this role, one day soon-- I can feel it at last-- and then I'll have a birthday and a name and a solid color and the system will be on solid ground again as well. it'll happen the instant it is ready. no sooner no later. I promise. it'll happen.
again, I love you all.
have a beautiful morning.
-"jae"
2:39 am.
we miss the ocean. god we miss it so much it hurts like an iron anchor dropped right into the middle of our chest. a heavy metallic weight, a taste of blood and salt in the back of our throat. hands reaching out for foam and tides and sobbing when we can't feel sand under our feet. aching for the warmth of the sun and the air and the barnacles on the dock and the seagulls careening above and the shells washed up under the indigo rose dawn. rain on the beach. silver moonlight above. endless bottleglass green gray gorgeous heaven like death stretching on forever before you, washing over you, filling you to the bloodstream. god we miss it so much we could die.
I swear, that's a life goal now. somehow make it big, make enough cash to buy one of those beach houses. we were looking them up online today actually. beachfront property prices. where things are, what the specs are, what the cost averages are. we need to get enough money to afford both the initial purchase and the upkeep. but I swear we'd be happy there. us and OV & MC. if they'd want to, of course. it's the future. but even just a simple life like we have now. breakfast together, working on our computers, walking outside, doing leagueworld work, reading and drawing and listening to music. sleeping together. dreaming together. and heck there'd be even more in the future. we'd own instruments and we'd have an art studio. we'd have a real piano for god's sake. I'd have a bike. we'd spend our days in bliss and creativity and life will be wonderful.
one day. one day.
we'll wander down to the beach every morning, if we felt like it. I'd just lie on the beach and write and dream and we'd meander up and down the shoreline with jewel daydreaming for hours like she used to as the sun came up. life will be perfect.
the beach, or the forest, my mind says. why not both? I'm sure there are areas of beach within reasonable distance of actual lush forests, of real green beautiful trees. celebi's element, and chaos's element. we'll have both and we'll be deeply happy.
speaking of woods.
we need to visit pennsylvania once more. just once more. while our dearly beloved grandmother is still alive. we ache for her too; she is our mother as far as care is concerned and we miss her terribly. but we have to be smart about it. that place is no beach house. it's full of trauma memories and old terrors and new fears and god knows what else. we barely survived a week last time; we'll only stay for a week this time.
there's not much we can do there. we don't have a room, or internet access, or real phone service. we don't have a car. we don't live within any reasonable distance of a food store or a library or anything. all we have is the woods. and god that's enough. that's all we need.
when we visit, this last time, we'll spend as much time with her as we can, I swear. but when we have time to ourselves, we'll go outside. before those awful construction companies mow it all down, we'll go into those dearly beloved woods and live there as much as we can. we must. we owe it to them. we miss them so much.
we miss the woods here, too. we've been too afraid to go out running since we were mugged since our current phone doesn't have reliable service at all, and the battery dies within hours. so it's unwise to go out with it. but we'll start a savings fund for a new good phone. next month we'll finally have the old one paid off so maybe for our one year anniversary of moving out we'll buy ourselves a new galaxy. that would be perfect.
we don't just miss the beach, we miss ourselves.
that's why were typing here now, at 2:50 in the morning, feeling more at home and alive and happy and real and heartachingly hopeful than we have in weeks. we miss this; we need this.
we miss pennsylvania so much we could cry, too. we have to admit that. we did break into sobs over it on tuesday, the morning we went to the bank. we stood in our room and held that little shopping list in our grandmother's handwriting that we found in our pants pocket and we just sobbed bitterly. in that moment we almost regretted moving. the pain was that intense. god we miss her, we miss that little life, we miss it. we can't ever get it back. ever. that mourning still hasn’t occurred and it's going to kill us if we don't take time to do so. it may take weeks, months, years. it took years to recover from losing utah and our loved ones there. so we must be prepared for that. and yet we cannot run from it.
we miss the beach so much we could sob too, miss the taste of the salt water, miss the particular feel of the day-burn, miss the cold breezes off the ocean and miss the soft mornings in the duvet.
we want a life like that with chaos zero. we do. god we do.
hiraeth has things like that. why don't we? why did we never consider that option before? well it's time now. why the heck not build places in headspace, why not? we have that right. we can. we have a beach right by the city. let's extend the coastline further down, so it's not so close to the hustle and bustle of the streets-- extend it into a paradise, a sea embraced by trees and cliffs and quiet, stretching on forever, deep aquamarine blue. his ocean. his heart. god I miss him. god I love him.
imagine xenophon and shinzou and that other possible kid growing up there. (yes I swear there's three somehow. at least. their origin phenomenon is fascinating. only xennie is solid. but I swear I'll find the others.) imagine them running about and playing on the beach, on the veranda, on the dunes, in the wet forests, while me and chaos and celebi and laurie and genesis and infinitii and everyone anyone else relax in the house, or wander about with them, or whatever else we feel like, close to them, full of joy and wonder under the brilliant warm sun. that infinite sky, the clouds like heaven manifest, stretching out just as high as the sea is deep, or at least feeling like it. and the sounds of birds and leaves and water from the forests behind us. life and life and life, endless and beautiful and true and real. in our heart. in our head. invincible, perfect, everlasting. real. and ours.
we need a name for it. something like hiraeth. yes that's a beloved feeling too. but it doesn't define us. we'll find something. I promise.
it's 3am. I think I'm going to go sit on the porch and browse tumblr for headspace imagery and shamelessly reblog it to our account, because why not; if we're too afraid to post reflections of our life on there without censorship then we might as well not have a tumblr at all.
I love you, all of you.
I'll find my name yet. nights like this "jae" still feels right. so does "cosmos," as my second name, somehow. I can feel that too. some sort of derivative of it. I'll find it.
one day I'll fully stabilize into this role, one day soon-- I can feel it at last-- and then I'll have a birthday and a name and a solid color and the system will be on solid ground again as well. it'll happen the instant it is ready. no sooner no later. I promise. it'll happen.
again, I love you all.
have a beautiful morning.
-"jae"
