091917

 

 

 

 

woke up around 2pm? something like that.

oliver had to go do legal stuff today, so we took a deep breath and let jason & the other socials get the food they've been panicking over.
it's always scary to do that, BUT we've realized it is the KEY to healing them. they need tangible proof and experience that they could never have back in PA-- they need solid DATA to work with, to learn the truth, to replace the lies, to help them learn who they are, and what this world is like, and how they can live here in it.
one of the biggest obstacles we have is this utterly crushing shame tied to eating in general, even just mentioning it. someone that feels like either crusade or the "angry jess" (the brown one with super tangled long hair) starts screaming and berating us, calling us a "disgusting whore," saying we should be utterly ashamed for talking about such "disgusting things" and injecting our mind full of screamingly suicidal urges and feelings. its a heaviness in our gut that always triggers panicked detox nousfoni, the ones that exist because of literally tampered/poisoned food as well as because of sexual trauma. so it's an exhaustingly currently-inevitable result of even THINKING about eating, is the risk of completely nullifying the whole experience out of incapacitating shame and guilt and terror and trauma flashbacks.

so. we went to chicken king to get fish & chicken livers, as well as to the spanish bakery to get the corn tamales and pastries. we also stopped at food lion to get general daily groceries, like milk and bread and avocados.
yes, we were terrified, but we also knew that if we DIDN'T try these foods, our poor still-damaged socials would continue to panic and wrack their brains over not-knowing and feeling that they HAD to know because how can they properly take care of the body if they have no idea what it actually wants, and what is available to them, and what actually works? they worry constantly, and obsessively, and too much admittedly, but we adore them even so, at heart. always. here on paper, it's obvious that even their struggles and not-quite-healthy behaviors are only there because of some twist in their understanding and application of love. but it's still love. it's undamaged, even if it's not being translated properly. the soul of it remains, even if only they can truly feel it. it's there. and as a system, we all know it. it's our heart of hearts together.
speaking of, thank God for daemons. cayenne showed up IMMEDIATELY to keep jason from dissociating into residual manic-mode and doing something foolish out of repeated-for-years toxic compulsions. but geez. if ANYONE can jumpstart immediate healing of bad behavior that's been around for over a decade, it's a daemon.
cayenne can't front yet. he's too unclear, too heavily tied to jason to be entirely "visible" to anyone else yet. but he's lobsterlike? shrimplike? a mix of the two, perhaps. the only super-clear part of him is his thorax down-- like this, he's got that fluttery tail and spindly legs and segmented body. but as for his arms and head? can't see 'em yet. definitely not lobsterlike; boy's got teeth to put a shark to shame, like all eating daemons. also surprisingly, i think he has facial eyes??? like literal ones. our other e.d. daemons-- cake, chocoloco, and rupture-- are all missing those in their typical appearances. they all focus on teeth, not eyes, an indicator of the status of that fear they are personified from. blind, metaphorically. BUT. that also means that cayenne possibly HAVING eyes indicates a shift in that entire topic?? i hope so. i mean, the past month is SOLID PROOF that we are healing, even if we don't feel like it. i know we are. i can feel the determination, the trembling courage, amidst the fear and old familiar abuse habits. we WANT to heal. we WANT to live without fear and blind obsession at last. and we're getting there. we are.
but yes. cayenne, like all daemons, was emphasizing the obvious seafood connection and telling jason to Pay Attention and make sure he was fully experiencing everything, to understand WHAT he was doing, so this didn't have to be repeated thanks to dissociation. and again, if jason's going to listen to anyone, it's his daemon. inevitably. daemons are like that. you can't help but love them so ardently it aches, even if they're also absolutely bloody terrifying.
and so jason was able to tell that yes, like iscah exists to testify to, Everything is "good"-- BUT that DOESN'T MEAN we HAVE to eat it. we are ALLOWED to have likes and opinions and that's fine and great and helpful.
ironically, we dislike the taste of shrimp. cayenne LAUGHS and says that's fine-- "you don't need to eat them just because i am similar to one." it's the grasping at straws to show love thing. "you are what you eat" applied across the board, in every metaphoric and symbolic way possible, especially in this literal sense. you remember how it was over the past few years, with only eating scraps and leftovers and plate-scrapings from the family in the attempt to "feel closer" to them when everyone avoided us like a leper. forcing ourselves to live in poverty as solidarity with those starving and poor in our county. forcing ourselves to eat things that made us sick, over and over and over and over, because someone we loved enjoyed those foods and we couldn't bear to NOT like it if they did. desperate for love, desperate to show it, always getting shoved into this super-tangible, ever-present context. the mandatory life-function,that cultural bond. eating. eating as caring. not getting caring from others so desperately seeking it in that sense. someone you love looks like a shrimp, how do you show it? you eat the shrimp.
geez this is a topic we NEED to write about more, good lord, ESPECIALLY now with how massive the role and presence both of daemons are in our system now.
but yes. that concept, that love/eat struggle, applies to ALL of our compulsions with this topic.
we dislike chocolate. this does not mean we hate people who like it.
we dislike the whiting and perch; they taste too fishy for us. this does not mean we hate people who like them.
we dislike the pastries; they are too sweet and densely floury and/or heavy-sticky for us. this does not mean we hate people who like them, OR the people who made them, OR the concept of dessert in general.
do you see the pattern?
we were RAISED to believe that if we disliked anything that our family liked, we were doing so out of HATRED or spite or malice or something equally cruelhearted. THAT IS A LIE.
forcing ourselves to eat foods that WE dislike, in the desperate self-loathing other-idolizing attempt to "fix ourself" is SELF-ABUSE.
dislike is NOT HATE. dislike simply means "this isn't resonant with me; that's okay! we still appreciate it and are grateful for it. other people resonate with it and love it, and we love that, and are happy for them."
not being like someone DOES NOT invalidate them!!! that is a lesson we are still learning, as we are TERRIFIED of it "possibly being true." but that, too, is a result of our toxic upbringing-- the subtle manipulation to prevent us from ever being our own person. we know this. we were constantly, constantly pushed and shamed into "being other people." ironically. we were only allowed to be what the family WANTED us to be. we couldn't even style our own hair, or wear our own choice of clothing, or make our own food. EVERYTHING was utterly, awfully shamed and condemned if it didn't match what THEY wanted. but that's gone now. that's over. and it was ALL A LIE.
so now we have the "luxury" of making our own choices, and so it's a messy process at first, as we have to FEEL those choking fears with EVERY choice we make, in order to process and learn from and soothe and heal them. but the feeling, the total acknowledgement, is the key part of the process. we've gotta admit the problem before we can deal with it.

i also want to just mention. the reason we've been letting our eating socials literally eat WHATEVER they want is because they are LEARNING from it: learning whether or not they ACTUALLY want it, or if they've just been told that they should. so we're burning through those lies and obligations and finding OUR truth. one by one, the terror-obedience compulsions are falling away, by virtue of firsthand experience. yes it's scary, but we've learned that it's NEEDED. it's a lesson that HAS to be learned directly. no theorizing will do it.
and the more we learn, the freer we are. the more we try, the stronger we can stand on our own two feet. and i know, i KNOW, that if we just keep up the good work and are LOVINGLY COURAGEOUS enough to BELIEVE AND LIVE OUR OWN TRUTHS, instead of questioning them out of abusive-family terror-doubt-- and that too is fading every day-- we'll succeed in conquering this entirely at long last. just remember: this life is a daily battle. every victory must be held to our heart and protected, upheld, practiced. and that's fine. that's perfect. we wouldn't have it any other way. heck, our whole system EXISTS for battle. we're all heart warriors. we're all soldiers of love. and that's the key-- we win through those things. it's the truth of the lotus cathedral itself. the truth manifested in that core-statue, that sword of light, that heart-weapon. we win through our unfaltering love, the inherent courage of it. etymological resonance. it's been proven against the tar and plague time and time again. where literal weaponry fails, our hearts succeed. inevitably. always. by virtue of our very existence. it's the simplest, and most difficult, path to victory. just love. love at all costs. love in all situations. love no matter what. be heaven in the midst of hell. that is why we exist.

Lord we're tired. We wanted to upload the 2009 archives tonight but to be honest, this poor body is beat down from exhausting effort lately (and not enough legit sleep) so I think we're all going to just lie down on the porch until our beloved Arrows come home.

We haven't mentioned that as of this entry, actually. Oliver works at night, so once Mason goes to bed we ideally start typing or archiving until morning, then sleep when Ollie comes home. But lately we've ALSO gotten into the blissful routine of morning runs around 7am, which means that we might not get to sleep until 8, and are bloody burnt out and sweating when we do, but it's worth it.
The only problem? Day dreams are VERY different than night dreams. Whether we like it or not, we tend to only get deep vivid lucid dreams at night, thanks melatonin. During the day, we typically get "flat nightmares" about the family, or subconscious fears, or current struggles. But you know what? That's fitting. We're in the middle of an INTENSE healing process currently. Everything is being dragged up to the surface to be acknowledged and fully comprehended and untangled and detoxified and lovingly, finally released-- not a moment too soon. It takes a long time, sometimes. It took years, before. But God knows, we've only been here a month as of today (milestone!) and already LOOK at how much progress we've made. We cannot deny it. Even when we slip or fumble or feel lost, even when we lapse as a fronter comes out who thinks we're still at that old abusive house, and starts acting as such... heaven knows it all still works out for our highest good. Heaven knows we ALWAYS learn, and grow, and love, and fight, and hope, and continue onwards, and sleep it off and wake up in the morning. Heaven knows that even on our roughest nights here-- which are becoming fewer and further between, and less and less rough every time, thank you God-- inevitably and always, we WANT to live. Even our most damaged people, maybe even especially them, don't actually Want to die anymore. We have a future, now. It's been blown wide open. There are no more obstacles to peace and joy right now. We HAVE them. Good God, we HAVE all those things we once never thought were possible. We have hope, and freedom, and love... and we still have the sacred struggles to learn and grow from, inevitable in this physical life, teaching us empathy and courage and integrity and compassionate humility. The light and the dark. Both at once.

...So we sleep on the porch now.
We grab two pillows, three blankets, water, our headphones, and Chaos 0's anchor plush, and we just lie out there under the stars listening to Spotify on our phone and treasuring every new-message notification tone.
We lie there, all together in the dark, under that blessed starry sky, looking up the stars and the spaces between them, and we are totally at peace. Even if we end up in tears. Even if we can't help but worry about still-unresolved panics and worries and confusions. Even if the future, Despite being bright and wide open, still carries inevitable struggles and battles. In the end, we know that whatever life brings to our doorstep, we will face, and we will learn from and grow from and embrace and release it. We know that we will get through this, whatever that means, as long as we have faith in ourselves, and hope in ourselves, and love for ourselves.
And we do. We really do.

That's all we've got the spoons to type up tonight. It's 1:11 AM and that's a lovely time to end an entry on.