082516

 

i cannot handle this.

i cannot handle being called a thief and a liar and a manipulator by my own mother and brother every time they see me


i am scared out of my mind and i want to die.

i want to die

i want to die i can't bear looking in the mirror and seeing a witch's face anymore



i am so scared of the price i have to pay for all the evil i've done

i don't want to hurt my family anymore


i had no job, no income, for three years, i had to live off pocket change and what coins i found in the house, sometimes i will admit i took actual bills that were on their desks, but i TOOK LOANS to pay them off, i paid back every cent and then some,
i'm so sorry, i didn't know how else to survive at the time.

same with food. i had no money for food. i couldn't afford safe food. i had to scavenge for it at home.
i am so sorry
the family hates me for doing that
hates me.

i replaced everything i could afford to replace
still not everything yet but god knows i will, i am trying so hard to save up to do so

i have one last huge debt to pay off BUT it will be paid in full wthin a week

i am just
terrified
that my mother will kill me when she finds out


i dont know
she keeps insisting i'm "killing myself" "on purpose"
just to toy with her, and make her angry/upset

i'm not

i want to live

i want to live to take care of my grandparents
i want to live to do good and be good

but i am so damn tired.


living is such a struggle with all these dumb survival things
i'm so tired

and all my mother does is scream at me and say she hates me and i make her life a living hell

mom i am so sorry i am trying to do good and make you happy but i don't know how anymore


what i did was wrong.
the food stealing, the money "borrowing," the doing it all in secret out of shame,
it was wrong.
there is no way to justify it, you cannot make it okay.
i take full responsibility for that. the guilt is fully on my shoulders.
yes the actions were split among many alters.
but we're a system, mom.
if one of us messes up, the rest of us have to take the punch if that alter hides or lies or doesn't know what they did wrong,
because we're STILL sharing one body, one life,
and i want us all to be safe and good.

what we did in the past was wrong.
but we aren't like that anymore.


so please telling us that we'll "never change" and that you'll only ever see us as our mistakes,
because we keep ripping these shackles off,
but you keep forcing them back on out of anger.

i want to talk about this to you but you refuse.



today's steven universe episode was a punch in the gut
too relevant
too damn relevant
especially after that dream i had with bismuth
especially when i feel just like steven today

i am trying so damn hard,
i am doing everything i am capable of doing,
damn it i have SOLD virtually everything i have ever owned,
i work my ass off every day to earn money,
i am trying so damn hard within my means,
it's never enough for mom.
she still hates me. she still says i'm "making up" the DID to "avoid all responsibility"
which is BULLSHIT because i take FULL and EXPLICIT RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE
but even when i admit things to her face
she says i'm lying

i can't take this


god i am so tired, god help me,
god forgive me for being such a wretch.


i prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for months to be delivered from hell
and today i thought it was the last of it, finally,
today was supposed to be freedom,
then that happened with my mom,
and she wants me to go back into that psychological hell because it's what she wants for me

i'm so damn tired.
i just want it all to stop.

i want to get along with my mother
i want the fights to stop


i want to be a good person for once in my life
but i don't know how anymore.