quick notes for 1117
- laurie literally got me out of bed this morning. sometimes i'm so tired and cold upon waking up that she'll walk over and say "all right, up," before grabbing my arms (we're still bilocating levels upon waking, remember) and picking me up into a sitting position, after which the body can wake up enough to get the downstairs people in and working their magic. sometimes we just depersonalize from the body (so we don't feel the cold/fatigue) and giant-robot it through the daily morning routine before work. but mornings are blurry between waking and arriving at work, usually. we need to fix that, it's not good to start the day already being out of tune somewhat.
- work bonus from cleaning out the huge toolbox: found 60 cents in nickels and a RANDOM METAL SPHERE. like this thing is about 3 inches wide and pretty heavy? so i was tossing it about and i felt like david bowie for a while, hehe.
i have lavender the bunny (one of our mascot plushies) holding it now.
- shopping trip after work, we planned this last night (me and laurie) as the body's been so sick for so long, we've been so badly dissociated no one's taking care of the body. therefore we decided to just drop $20 on organic vegetables and basically dive right into body-care and healthy eating. so we did, only spent $18 though as wegmans didn't have fennel today. entire order was green, it was hilarious. but i can feel everyone breathing a sigh of relief already, especially emmett; when we eat well we stay in-tune with the inside and that's what we need right now.
after that, went to huge overstock store to see what they had; there were a few things we wanted to pick up anyway (notably aloe juice, and lentil chips that
seemed safe for those eaters, we planned to test it for them). took a while there as we were somewhat switchy, but we had to keep checking data against fronters, making sure we were only buying safe foods, asking the eaters what their reactions were, etc. there's one younger girl (14? 15?) who is the main "social eater" (i think her name is something like joyce and/or jocelyn, as i mentioned before-- there
are other eaters but those names keep coming up) and thank GOD because data
sticks with her. if we get sick from something she REMEMBERS and she won't push past it, she says "no, i dont like that, we got sick like THIS--" showing us the data-- "so don't buy it!"
there are one or two addicted alters yet but we're finally louder than them. i just realize they are talking from pain and comfort so again, we're being gentle with them. thank god for this store though, because it takes 2-3 tries of
anything for memory data to stick, or even
register, with the current environment... yeah we would like to eat 100% vegetables but these people are hungry and loud so until we get them to a better place, forbidding them what they are begging for (wisely or not) is only going to make them feel more rejected and angry and frustrated and sad. like i said. it's delicate. but we are making SO much progress, i am so proud of all of us.
- massive panic attack from kale chips?? someone very scared of them (notably the nuts/seeds they use in them). genesis can tell you, someone inside wanted them but someone (else?) was so terrified of the thought of eating them that we had a legit panic attack in the store. the body was shaking and we were dizzy and everything, it was frightening. it also had an
age drop vibe to it so whoever is scared is about 3 years younger than the body at
least. we were trying to decide whether or not to get one, gen said get
one and test the data for sure, but i was so shaky at this point that i couldn't front or think and at one point we considered getting
three bags to test
every ingredient BUT, when we got near the register we got three consecutive LOUD instances of synchronicity that basically said "dude, no, just get one." it was so clear and specific to our thought process that it was actually a massive relief to see it-- when we get so shaken-up, sudden synchronicity is the biggest reassurance one can possibly get. it's a message of "i know you need help, so here's some. but don't feel bad. you're not lost, you're just a little off-kilter right now."
we've been getting so much of it lately, but it's only when we
pay attention that we notice anything. it's always there though.
- doc appointment today, about the ankles. no pain in either unless i kneel on them. asked about the digestive issues and i said those are surprisingly getting better than they were. we still have trouble but we're managing them well.
also we're back down to 120lbs, GOOD. that's our comfortable weight. i don't want to see that number go back up until we start putting on muscle.
- i can't remember going home. i think the brother was in the kitchen and that caused a switch out (how can we prevent that?? it's so sudden).
so there was some food trouble when we got home, but not as bad as it could have been, especially not in light of last night. someone tried valiantly to be conscious today, but sadly it petered out because i can look back and get the
beginning of memory of trying to eat but then it's totally gone like two minutes in. just a blank from them until like 7pm or later, where there's horribly patchy knowledge that someone cut up a red cabbage and a broccoli stem and cooked it so we actually kept down some vegetables today, because yes apparently someone purged again after we tried once.
- also there was minimal sugar in our order today, thank god (just a pack of strawberry macaroons as someone really likes them). we dont like sugar in food though, not even the addicted ones (who only eat it because they feel they "have to") and it's hurting sugar herself! i dont know why we kept eating it before, i sincerely think it was that one younger alter who ties sugar to the childhood reward system and is just looking for that feeling of family acceptance and comfort. they've since abandoned that though as they realized how
sick they were getting and it backfired, as now it
felt like what they were trying to run from.
- again. evening is a blur. we dumped the cabbage juice in the remnants of our mint-ginger tea and that sounds hilarious but it was surprisingly good. so i remember we turned on this laptop and i started posting the entries we had lying around and we've been drinking that stuff for the past two hours.
but yeah remind me to write an entry up about sunday at least, what we can remember. until we tackle this dissociative problem lately, we forget what we don't write down. i'm just so so so grateful that despite being detached, there is NO numbness at all. i hope that stays gone forever. it was hell.
i wonder if maybe now we're too closely knit to go numb anymore? there's been so much progress this year, despite how tumultuous it's apparently been-- and
long,looking back this year has lasted for at least three of them already. time is funky, kids.
- and now i'm trying to fight undyne at 12:30 am and i am so sorry i want to smooch her. she's so pretty and that smirk/sneer is
so great. (also i just realized she's aquatic so. that's probably helping)
problem is, i get to the "right...NOW!" part or slightly after and end up dying (at which point i wait a second longer than usual before hitting esc). i'm still learning to maneuver the yellow arrows. her fight structure is so cool. papyrus's was too!
but this tiredness isn't helping me dodge anything so i really should close up for the night and sleep for heavens sakes.
good night everyone, lots of love to you. i'm feeling a lot of it lately, it makes me so happy.
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