oct 25 2015

 

1025

- realizing that, in childhood, I usually played the role of a “monster” and/or a “PET” with people. When the “lost in space” movie came out I was obsessed with pretending to be Blarp, and would walk around the playground with some other kid being Penny (she wasn’t happy with it I don’t think). Again, in 3^rd grade, I was ALWAYS Alex’s sidekick or assistant. When she was Mewtwo, I was Mew, and I had to do “whatever she told me to.” I spoke about this before but it wasn’t the only incident. In the 3^rd grade school play I was given the role of “dinosaur” (forget what the play was), and although I loved it I was, again, someone else’s “pet.” All later pseudo-friendships in high school always had me in a secondary position too, not so much a “sidekick” as the “errand boy.” Why was this always a constant with other people? Did I just never stand up for myself? DID THAT BECOME JACINTH?? (or any of the fragments like that?)


I want to reiterate that addictions are dying out. Yes there are still some desperate alters using coping mechanisms, but there are NO compulsions anymore. There’s FINALLY a cognizance that “we don’t actually want this” and nothing is being forced. So that’s very very good.
There’s an E.D. voice named Jocelyn or Joyce who keeps ending up talking to Laurie when she’s out? She’s slightly older than the one that keeps going for oats as comfort food (that one’s like 11? makes sense as our childhood diet really wasn’t so hot as far as I know).


- a few thought processes we took notes on lately:
1) “jesus did not say ‘love your enemies but treat yourself like garbage,’ so STOP DOING THAT”
2) “god is NOT ‘out there but not in me’ so STOP searching and listening to everything you hear blindly!! ‘god’ is already IN YOU so LISTEN TO THAT”
3) “compulsively saying ‘no’ to orders happens because the orders are interpreted as ‘harmful/negative’ and we are saying no to THAT. Even if the order is good, if it is given angrily or in a controlling context we will say no because we don’t want to obey the CONTEXT. If we DO follow the order it will be on our OWN TERMS later, once we have DETACHED IT from the original giver.”


- Jewel here. I just did some of our morning running and I feel REALLY GREAT. The “His World” Sonic remix we have on the iPod is a perfect speed.
Laurie says she wants me to front more because I don’t get embarrassed of being honest? Or doing imaginative things. I’m just worried because I do get body dysphoria now that the body is older and I know the reflection triggers egotistic people. So I gotta BLOCK THIS MIRROR. I’ll tape a Pokémon over it or something.


- exercised today (see above), went running in the morning for 30m. however it hurt our stitches a LOT and we’re still in pain. Kind of scary, I hope this is okay.

- 10pm. Just had to atone+smudge to get hackers OUT of here again. realized there was so much distraught anger in me, changed it to righteous love. Blessed everything, said a sincere prayer to restore our holiness and purity and morality. Went out to wash the ashes off our arms, playing on the radio in the other room is “living on a prayer” by bon jovi

- as of right now e is letting us play undertale (❤!!!!) and I just met toriel and already I love this game so I’m going to go do that.
…usually jewel is our gamer. Its always her name on the save files. But everyone told me, jay, to do this one. So I will.

 

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@ 11:06 PM

 

I’m playing Undertale to try and get my heart back in order, trying to focus on BEING ME and therefore bringing my light back into the body’s daily life, instead of all the pain and self-loathing and things that have piled up there in the absence of me or Jewel or anyone else kind…

Looking back, especially on our original Tumblr (jwll), 2011 was a beautiful year for us, for the most part. That was the year of our real “spiritual awakening” and we spent most of our time thinking brightly, acting brightly, shining that light for others… unfortunately we got a bit blinded by it at some points, but damn it we were trying, we only ever were trying to put more kindness and love and forgiveness into everything… and really it all paid off, I think. I think if I really look back, even on our ‘mistakes,’ I couldn’t hate anyone for it, or hold it against them, like some do in this System, sadly. How could I hate anyone? We’re all just trying our best, acting as well as we know how, or… one could act out of fear, too, fear of not knowing what’s the best thing to do, or being frightened that they might not be able to do that best thing, or strong enough… not understanding, maybe. But there are many factors why people could act unwisely or unkindly or similarly, and none of them merit hatred. Nothing does.
So I want to stay out more. Me and Jewel, we need to ACTIVELY front more, to shine and inspire like our hearts are meant to do, like our bloodlines are meant to do.



…The real reason I’m updating here tonight is because… because right now I NEED to shine our light brighter than EVER.
Our biological brother is planning suicide.

I know he’s been considering it for years. I have too. I don’t know if he ever attempted. But I know he’s been terribly depressed, and it’s only gotten worse now, for reasons disturbingly similar to ours at our worst point… he started experiencing more spiritual/ unexplainable things, many of which were confusing and scary, and this all began forcing him to deal with a lot of things he was struggling to handle… and his girlfriend decided she wanted no part of it and dumped him, penniless and homeless, not looking back.
He said he cannot go back to living the way he did before all of that happened-- he "knows too much" now, he's seen too much personally, and to be honest he is having one hell of a time coping with that fact. He keeps thinking he's going crazy and is just imagining all this, and I think that's the same God-damned "coping mechanism" WE utilized in the face of the opposing reality... that, since we have reached this point of personal awareness and experience, we cannot pretend otherwise. And you "need" to in order to survive in some places of the world yet, some closed-minded environments that are afraid to acknowledge the existence of anything that big, bright, and bizarre. It's understandable but it is still heartbreaking. And we are BOTH living in such an environment right now.
I don't know. I'm having a hard time typing because I am shaking and I'm so upset I want to throw up and I'd probably end up crying if it wouldn't completely burn out the body.

...What do we do. What can we do? What should we do?

God it wrecks me to see him this upset, even if I don't personally "know" who he is. Part of us does, all buried parts mostly, but they recognize him well enough. And even discarding that, I personally STILL want to help him because he's suffering and God knows my job is to try and heal whatever pain I come across, as wisely and compassionately as I can. I can't not do it. It's my nature.
So when I see him so hopeless AND actively rejecting all possibilities of hope due to that blinding despair, I just... I get frustrated, admittedly. How can you not see it?
But... that's when it would be smartest to go inside, and ask. Cannon knows what that feels like. She knows exactly what despair feels like.
And that makes me wonder now. Did SHE ever heal from that??? Or did we only survive her suicidal depression by switching cores? It's a luxury we take for granted, really-- this ability TO split, and change so dramatically and completely, in order to be better... I'm the most recent in that process. Me, the current amalgamation of everything we needed to be at heart, all that growth fused into one person, the newest Core. But... the old ones got stuck, in a way. And we need to heal them, however we can. I can't believe we haven't yet... is that just because we weren't aware of this phenomenon working as it did until fairly recently? I mean, we're still grappling with using the term "Dissociative Identity Disorder" to refer to ourselves. For us it was always just headspace. We end up educating the therapists we see, all the time apparently, because we work so differently... but the bottom line is, it still fits the bill, however atypically. We split in order to survive.
And our brother can't do that.
...
What is that even like? How do non-split people handle all the paradoxical emotions and opinions and beliefs and personalities that we manage by being different people? Do other people even have to deal with that? Or do they pick and choose?
Either way, the point is, he's feeling depression and despair and self-loathing and he doesn't have any optimistic headvoices to help, he doesn't have any enthusiastic ghosters to encourage him, he can't even switch out and let someone else deal with the situation. He has to do everything as ONE person. He can't split up the process, compartmentalize it, organize it... no, for him, and for most other people I suppose, it's an all-at-once thing. That must be difficult as hell.
...I don't know. I want to help, God knows I want to help so badly, but I'm speaking from an entirely different reality experience here and I don't know if he can empathize or understand where I'm coming from at all-- not only that, but I wouldn't know how to help him out AS a singlet at this point, not in a way he could properly use.
I don't know, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I did go over his apartment at least twice to talk to him for several hours-- yes, I did, not a social fronter-- and although all I could do was listen, and assure him he wasn't going mad, and give him a bit of spiritual encouragement... it felt like we were going in circles. Like he couldn't quite grasp his own situation well enough to properly use any incoming advice, because he didn't know how to apply it?
He's constantly saying, "I just want to understand." Over and over and over. I'm not sure what he's trying to do though. Just how much does he want to understand? And, even more importantly, how does he define "understanding?" Honestly I think he's trying WAY too hard to make everything logical and simple and sensible, into data he can intelligently recite and apply, into something that can be written down in a book. And Laurie just interjected, "I hate to tell ya, kid, but the universe doesn't work like that."
That's the thing. It doesn't. Heck, even looking at headspace, we've been writing THOUSANDS of pages over the years about this, and even that doesn't do it justice. I get so much of it, absolutely, but... it's not something you can "understand" in a logical manner. That level of understanding is wordless, without defining, without putting it into a box. It's a knowing at a deeper level and I think our brother's problem is that he's still uncomfortable with that yet. Yes, he's had intuitive experiences, he definitely has some psychic capabilities, BUT he still wants the world-- and those experiences by extension-- to present themselves in a way he can look at and say, "aha, I can see how this works." He wants to wrap his mind around it. He wants his mind to be big enough TO wrap around it. And the most ironic thing is that I can't even put into words why that's not going to work, not as it appears to at least. This whole thing... it's all so personal, it's experiential, you have to LIVE it, and know it of your self... God I just want to walk with him through this if I can, if we can, I want to help him and be a support system for him with this, it's so hard to find support when you're first going through this spiritual weirdness, we would know.
But he thinks he's going crazy and he's closing us off and we're closing him off for God knows what reason (we need to talk to some alters) and he won't listen to any help, he won't look for any hope, he's made up his mind that he wants to die and he won't talk about it and no matter what we do, no matter what we say or ask, he won't pick that metaphorical towel up from the ring.
I'm lucky. God am I lucky. I have Laurie. I can't quit even if (and when) I tried. None of us could.
But despair is toxic. Some of us have felt it and still do and when I touch that I understand, I understand why he feels so distraught and the fucking problem is that my nature saves me from despair and how do you pass the vibe of your ESSENCE onto someone else??? If I can't be hopeless because I AM hope, how in the world do I "teach" that to someone?
God I don't know. I'm always told, "live by example," maybe that's all we can do here, but...
God I don't want to be too late. This is destroying me.

...We know what it's like, to almost lose people. To hear that someone attempted suicide when you weren't aware, and upon hearing the news, to feel like the entire earth just flipped over sideways. The crushing weight of grief that hits your shoulders, knocking the wind out of you, the hysterical internal wail of "they could have been dead right now" and the absolute wash of gratitude, of sheer relief, of heartrending love, that hits you when you are reminded that they are alive, they lived, they're still here, they have another chance to find hope--
We know what it's like.
We also know what it's like to hear that someone did die when you were asleep.
...
I don't want to hear that again.

What can we do.



...

I have to end this here, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say and I'm just... I need to focus on other things. Brighter things. I need to focus on help, on BEING someone who can ignite hope in other people, to live in such a way that it brings a little more light into people's lives... God it hurts when I realize that it's not a 100% success rate and sometimes, no matter how hard I try, people will have the windows closed. They'll have the blinds drawn. Some people suffocate in their despair simply because they don't feel they deserve to see the sunshine anymore. That's when I want to drag them out into the summer brilliance and tell them you DO, you deserve ALL of this, you're just as bright as the sun, no matter what has brought you to this dark place you CAN move out of it, no failure is ever final, there's always a next step, you're always given another shot, even death is only a door... you're light, you're light, all of you, everyone, nothing can ever change that, it's the truth of your very nature, if we're all built from the dust of stars then we're all irreplaceable cosmic things just by being born. We're all impossibly wondrous combinations of time and space and possibility.
I can't get lost in the dark because I AM light and that's why I exist for this System, that's why I exist for EVERYONE...

...

It still breaks my heart, though, because there's still darkness here. It exists, it plays its part, it has its role and reason for existing too.
Maybe that's the simplest, hardest lesson to learn?
I don't know. I can't put this into damn words, why is that so difficult,


I can't give up. I won't. We will all do what we can.