oct 15 2015

 

This eating disorder shit HAS TO STOP.

I am SICK AND TIRED of forcing myself to eat horrific foods JUST SO I CAN VOMIT.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS.


This body is so terrifying and bloated I don’t want to live in it anymore.
MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED EATING WE WOULDN’T HAVE THIS PROBLEM!


Have I told you how BAD this has gotten?
We don’t allow ourself to buy much food for ourself. 95% of what we used to eat is off-limits.
But we also view “spending money on addictions” to be abhorrently selfish.
SO, when we get home, we only allow ourself to eat what we can scavenge. Food we find, scraps left over, stuff in the literal garbage when we get real bad.
Then we wonder why the hell we’re sick.
The family is VIOLENTLY ANGRY at us, like legitimately we have been threatened several times already, sworn at, et cetera. We want to stop but for us, stopping = starving and let’s face it, when we DON’T eat, the body starts to get very very sick. We ended up in the E.R. last time. We don’t want to repeat that, no matter how much we wish we could fast forever.

But it's idiocy. It's all idiocy.
We want to go back to eating 100% vegetables, but the obstacle in our way is “you\re garbage!!! Garbage doesn’t deserve health or good things!!” what the heck where is that COMING FROM

(this bit unfinished)






Change of focus later on (12:45 am)

-exercised for 30 minutes. Not bad, helped.

- WHOEVER the heck the angry alter that keeps coming out and screaming at the E.D. voices is, ze was out again today. they’re the “bad” sort of good alter? They want us to be healthy and perfect but as a result they HATE the abusive alters. This one calls the bingers “faggot sh*theads” who are “going to hell” and all sorts of things like that. Now I know we all thought this was SPICE, previously, and they may indeed be from the same anchor—they may have even been the same alter originally but split when Spice gained a face— but they are VERY different people when you get down to it. This one is the one who wrote in the old food journals, for the most part; the language is exact. Spice does not swear like this. Spice does not have a hyperreligious vendetta against anyone who eats sugar. Yeah, she’s furious at them, but she’s not going to start a diatribe as to why they are “irredeemable sinners who will burn for all eternity” and all that.

- other bad thing, we went to pick apples like the grandmother asked us to, but that tree has been very very cruel towards us for a while??? No idea if that’s paranoid delusions, or bad spirits, or what. But it does not like us and it threatens us whenever we try to pick its apples. So we went to do so today (for the family) and almost instantly, we got stung by a wasp. The pain was unreal for such a little thing. We ran inside and actually sobbed over the sink for about three solid minutes from it. Only good thing is that we haven’t cried in a VERY LONG TIME and we are under a LOT OF STRESS so maybe that was cathartic? I hope so. But yeah now BOTH our hands are in lots of pain? What is this trying to tell us? I don’t know yet. either we’re trying too hard, or not trying anywhere near hard enough, and I cant tell yet.


Good things for today…

- went to choir practice, it always helps
- tiny sliver of a moon on the horizon and it was RED
- drove cz’s road home, with our hand out the window of course.
- remember the joke he & I had about the room full of sparkly polyhedrons; that made me laugh so much for so long, it was great.
- yesterday we sat in the car and talked about jus/rev in DW for an hour, it was amazing. we got so in-tune with their story vibe, i miss that sort of total Linkage SO MUCH.
- that was triggered by the sunset being EXACTLY their colors; it was this humongous orange sun in a soft indigo cloudbank, gorgeous. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sunset that pretty in my life.
- super nice people everywhere in stores today. lady with bat earrings, lady asking about ginger, great cashiers, etc.
- we took out Dune: Messiah from the library and I am super excited to read it.
- addictions are DYING OUT VERY QUICKLY after the sudden bout of fever sickness we had over the past 10 days or so. The addictive loops are only lingering at home, but we’re getting better at careful switching so, we hope to God they will finally be GONE for the first time in 10 years or more.
- started a system sketchbook. Interested to see what happens there.
- we have access to a guitar currently, so we might have to start learning it again.
- cried over ‘familiarity’ by punch brothers in the car again. the best kinds of tears are the ones you get from love and joy. If I ever don’t cry over that song, something is amiss. Its too gorgeous, that section in the middle with the explosion of strings is so ineffable… it gets right into my heart every time. one of my favorite songs ever already.
- WE PLAYED NIER YESTERDAY, just a little bit (we’re doing the “second run” to get Ending B and we just got the Forest of Myth key) but good heavens I missed it SO MUCH. I adore it, I was pulled right back into it 100% and I need to play it more often from now on. Also I’m playing with the Samurai outfits currently because Emil gets the helmet-horns like Genesis, Kaine gets spikier hair like Laurie, and Nier himself combs his hair back like I do and he wears white and red armor. So yeah it’s relevant. I also just want to observe that Kaine is extremely pretty and I really really like her as a character. (I still queerplatonically ship Nier & Weiss though I am sorry but YOU KNOW ME)
- WE MIGHT HAVE FOUND MARKUS’S DAEMON’S NAME, thanks to him FINALLY TALKING TO HER, more on that as it develops. It’s requiring hardcore Heartspace stuff, so. GOOD.
- two key distinctions: chaos 0 and “aquamarine” ARE separate people but in a “fracture” way. Yes they can “talk to each other” but ONLY in a floatspace/ Heartspace environment. Aquamarine is who cz HAS to be in headspace, to function properly there. At night, he drops everything and just is around me. But that very quiet personal simplicity cannot survive in social situations. I know the feeling bro. But yeah when you boil it down that is still a fracture situation, albeit a severe one.
- also, after watching them front, the FIRST EVER Jewel Lightraye (who is like 10, 11?) doesn’t have “hair” she has actual Klonoa ears?? Her “hair” is identical in shape and form to them and it moves in a way that hair never could! feeling her front, she also doesn’t feel 100% “human” and I KNOW she never really identified as one even when she was the only fronter. So that’s important. On the other hand, the “Heartspace” Jewel (age 12-13, tiny bit of 14?) has the stiff, spiky-ended “Klonoa hair,” which is indeed hair. Hoseki (age 15-16??) has the same hair.

This keyboard setup is DESTROYING my wrist; it hurts awfully and every shock of pain registers in my mind as vivid emerald green. I’ve never had such synaesthetic pain before, so that’s interesting, even though its awful.
No more typing for tonight! Tomorrow we’ve gotta get computer access somewhere so we can read Paranatural and watch Steven Universe but until then it’s good night, so bye bye. (Jewel)