an apology

 

 

 

 

Hey, this may sound superfluous but it is mandatory and I can't not write this now, with current events.

I'm reviewing the archives, as well as recent entries,
and I am largely ashamed of a lot of things we allowed to happen, or thought were "permissable," or let ourselves be pressganged or coerced or sweet-talked into. Whether from inside or outside, we tried to justify TOO much horrid or harmful behavior/ thoughts/ etc., and seeing how some of our past fronters almost reveled in that AND even started tainting others in the System with it...
Long story short, I am currently drowning in humiliated contrition, carrying the guilt that those people didn't seem to be fazed by.

No wonder we had so many reset attempts over the past three years. Some part of us actively recognized how poisonous and corrupt we were becoming, no matter how much sugar was thrown over it, and was trying desperately to just STOP it.

I'm going way back now, trying to find evidence of who we ARE, who we WERE before all this internalized programming really began to take hold, and redefine itself AS us... it's a tangled sticky mess, there's a lot of confusion here, but I'm getting a better grip on it. It's going to be a long process, we're going to have to re-learn almost EVERYTHING... we're going to have to put MASSIVE effort and determination and dedication into this. Shame and self-hatred and guilt are still getting in the way, but those things have a lot of roots IN the programming. "The only acceptable behavior is what OTHERS tell you to do," etc.

It's nonsense but we're slowly healing.
The hardest part is going to be staying intact during the healing, because those messages define US as wrong/ immoral/ stupid/ etc.
And yeah, looking back, the brunt of that came FROM Tumblr. So I'm rather pissed that we keep "running back" to the communities on that website solely because we have now come to BELIEVE that and are "desperately looking for instruction" when the only damn reason we went on that site in the FIRST place is because we were "desperately looking for support."
We have virtually no goddamn support system, even now, and when this Tumblr shit started we were willing to crucify ourselves just to "get someone to like us." We tried too goddamn hard to "present ourselves" in a way that "other people could relate to," in a way that would "show we were NORMAL," or at least "fit the mold" of "abnormal" that the communities we were entering seemed to proclaim...
Long story short, we tried too freaking hard, and the result is that we got legions of anons telling us that we were disgusting, shameful, proud and immature and malevolent fakers.
That took a heavy toll, to say the least.


But this is what I'm talking about.
We DO NOT HATE PEOPLE. We have NOTHING AGAINST PEOPLE on that website.
But it sounds that way. All this "I can't stand Tumblr" stuff is almost hypocritical, with us saying "don't say you despise a whole group when it's only the actions of a few/ your perceptions of the whole that cause that despising!"
It's like this with so many things now, the bitterness makes things feel global, with the projection. It's happening with sexuality/ gender, religion/ spirituality, and social behavior... things we cannot avoid, or fully isolate ourselves from, or alter on a global scale. And honestly to do any of those things would be very harmful and unwise. What we REALLY want is to feel accepted, not in the sense of "whee I have friends! =D" but in the sense of "these groups don't view me as the devil himself," basically.
Maybe that's residue from the past too. But again, we are basically incapable of putting guilt on anyone but ourself, because to us everyone else IS blameless. And saying otherwise feels condemnable. Yes, we've been reading for weeks on how toxic our particular religious upbringing was, and that very self-damning mindset IS a direct teaching of it... even so, even so we STILL say, "but it IS our fault!" Everything "bad" that happened to us, we see as only having been "bad" because WE made it bad. We were the mandatory factor that BROUGHT harm and evil into the situation, and that is SUCH a toxic mindset, we want it GONE, it is utterly sabotaging everything we do...
But then we go and say/ think/ do things like we have been doing over the years, and no matter where those words/ thoughts/ actions originally had their impetus or instruction, we were the ones that internalized it,  and therefore WE hold the blame. We should have known better.
And we really should have. We really should know better by this point, damn it. But the same doubt telling us "you don't know anything for sure on your own!" is the same thing making us perpetuate the "we are evil and just don't realize it" lie we've been fed, too.
It's disgusting and it's making me very sick and sad and I WANT to say otherwise, I WANT to say "we're good" and all that BUT the two obstacles to that are,
1. "that's pride, that's the ultimate sin, NO ONE is good" (aka the grandparents teaching)
2. "saying 'we' is a deluded lie, you're making that up to be 'special' and 'manipulative,' no one 'inside your head' is real" (aka the mother, and most social exposure)
So we are terrified of EXISTING as we are at this point.
We want to be "us," and we want to be "good," we want to be positive and bright and inspiring... we really do want to be.
But we feel like such drama kings & queens just by talking. Just typing here feels like a "performance," a "filthy game for attention," like we're twisting everyone else's necks to adore us and worship us and shit.
WE'RE NOT, it's just nice to speak up sometimes. Is it? Is that rude? To assert our existence? Is that being egotistical?
And I hate this shit, people saying "mankind is a social animal!" "You NEED friends!" "Community is key!" and then the instant I try to make friends or socialize, "you're just making all this about yourself!" "Narcissist!" "Stop being so dependent and learn to be independent!"
I'm sorry. I'm rambling again.
Even apologizing feels shameworthy. "Who the heck cares if you're 'sorry?' That's emotional manipulation! You should just keep your mouth shut in the first place! If someone's mad at you, don't "apologize," take the punishment!"

This is all making me realize just how toxic my upbringing must have been. Was it? If I can trace this stuff back to childhood family dynamics, why does my family say "we never said that!" "we never did that!" "how dare you accuse me of that!" "i can't do anything in this house without you blaming me!"
is that nice beahvior? are we doing something bad by asking?



Here's what I'm trying to say.
I am profusely sorry for any negative talk towards any person/ group of persons we have EVER written on this website.
We hold no enmity towards people, only towards the way WE internalize certain mindsets/ behavior patterns/ etc.
So the blame and loathing falls ON US ALONE. Everyone outside, you are all completely okay, we DO NOT HATE YOU.


I am secretly terrified that our readers, the few people that do care about us as a collective person, have grown to hate us and/or view us as toxic/ harmful/ immoral/ a bad influence/ etc.
Every negative entry we write on here, ever, INCLUDING this one, only gets posted as a result of swallowing a horrific amount of guilt and fear, a reticence fueled by moral paranoia.
"DON'T post stuff like that!! Don't even THINK about stuff like that, let alone talk about it!"
in other words,
"Get your negative moody dark-cloud energy the HECK out of my FACE!!"
...
except in nicer words, that's where the real fear comes in.
"I don't expose myself to negative energy, honey."
and that's FINE, we're HAPPY for you,
but
does that mean that if we're dealing with that negative energy that we're deluded??
are we fake? are we evil because we're in a shadowy spot?
are we "the antichrist" and don't realize it?
that's another childhood thing.

But we just read a quote on this. From an article online (from a website we will NOT link as it's highly disturbing)
This has religious overtones but for us personally, those are still strongly relevant.

"One of the creepiest things... is that they teach that happy is the only acceptable emotion. If you do not have a joyful countenance, you are publicly shaming your authorities. In other words, if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. [He] also has nauseating quotes and anecdotes about how any time his kids expressed unhappiness or anger they were hit even harder and longer until they were cheerful. How twisted is that? Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ingratitude, rebellion and more if they don’t present a happy face.
You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I *do* strongly suspect that the habit of “joyfulness” is so deeply ingrained that denying “ungodly emotions” such as anger... and unhappiness (which is a sinful lack of gratitude) is automatic by now.
For many people... appearance is everything. As long as you appear happy, then you must be. There is also strong pressure to be a witness. Your countenance is your testimony, and if you present an ugly picture to the world, it is a public shaming of your parents and ultimately your God. Are you going to be the cause of people in the world turning from Christ? …So when I hear someone say, “But they look so happy!” I can’t help but think, “Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren’t allowed to express anything else?”


That sums up this emotion problem pretty well I think.

Geez this entry got really tangled really quick. I'm sorry.


I just want to say again, I apologize if anything we have said in these Archives has personally offended or harmed you. We never intended that. We do not want to offend or harm anyone here, and I say that with sincerity.

Our main goals here are to
1. record our personal psychospiritual progress, including our struggles as well as our joys, and
2. to hopefully offer solidarity, support, warning, and/or inspiration to people experiencing similar things.

We want to be a helpful, positive influence. We don't want to be a source of dread when we walk into a room. We want to be a beacon of light, that's all we want. Even if that light has to shine through some pretty filthy tar-stained places in order to shine, damn it we still want to glow at least.


I need to finish backing up some files, maybe get some positive Leaguework done later, shed some genuine uncorrupted color on both our life and someone else's.


We wish you all well today, no matter where you are, physically and metaphysically both.