april 27th and lately

Short update for tonight, for now at least.

I feel kind of bad; I haven't been updating here much lately but life's been pretty nice. Yes it has tricky days, but we deal. We're dealing far better than we used to now.

I've noticed that I never, ever go to bed sad or angry or upset. It just doesn't happen. Even if the day was miserable and rough, by the time I lie down for the night, I'm completely peaceful and okay.
I do have to credit CZ for half of it though. There was some day last week where someone must have eaten caffeine or the like, because we were awake until 3AM or so and the body was shaky, etc. I was trying to relax but it was kind of scary. Nevertheless, as he always does in those situations, CZ just told me to hold him. That's it. So I did. I swear he radiates tranquility, it's amazing. So within ten minutes the body was asleep. I have no idea how he manages to always induce that much peace, that fast, but he does. So I must thank him for that.

The body has had this mad craving for cherries lately. Not sure why. Possibly for melatonin boosts, who knows.
There was a spiritual expo yesterday though, and we went to a color-reading woman and we picked "cherry" as one of the colors. She said its message was, "live an extraordinary life." Get out there and be something special. I smiled at that; that is basically the loudest message we've been getting lately, from anywhere. So yes, cherries.
(Jay also found a "safe space" for himself/anyone lately; it's an old childhood Dream World-esque place, a row of cherry trees on a hill in the spring. It's really, really lovely, it's pink and green and feels like early spring mornings and it feels so safe and protective. So we're going to let that be anyone and everyone's safe space if they need it inside.)
The other colors we were resonating with at that time were Indigo, Green, and Rainbow. Indigo was for "clearer sight," in terms of discernment and wisdom really-- she mentioned seeing things in black & white, or in similar skewed ways, which I realized was actually a problem as of late when our personal vibration gets too wonky. Rainbow was for "connecting with all of Creation" or the like; her suggestion was to go outside and really just bond with nature. I laughed and said we lived in the woods, and it's been calling us to do that lately anyway. Green was actually "rejuvenate yourself" or something? I forget the exact words, but it was healing, in a bright "rest and recharge" sense. Not a sleepy sense, more of a "battery charging" sense, with a bright green sunlit-leaf current through it. That was even more applicable than the cherries! Not only has that bright sort of green been feeling very close lately (especially with spring blooming in, and with Cel hopping about), but we have also been profoundly exhausted lately as well, in a burned-out or drained-empty sense. We're still running, we're still happy and bright, but damn it we're tired! It's hard to explain. Like our bones are tired. The ground-stone in us needs a rest. We're getting scrubbed down to the dust, the flat earth, we need to regroup and fill things up with good soil again so the trees can start growing. Sorry, it's 2AM and I am in an odd sort of pseudo-poet mode so I'm just letting this flow like it is.
But she said we were very intelligent and articulate too, we chatted for a while about colors and things, I (we) always hit it off with the people at these expos. Also she asked "if we had a table." AGAIN! I said we didn't have one, but that we were seriously considering it. She said we should. So... we ARE. Best case scenario, we'll have one in November, for the local autumn expo. We'll talk more about that in a bit, or tomorrow if it gets too late... we're very confident and humble and hopeful and happy about the prospect of it. So that's a long-term work effort too.

Our mother had us see this reiki guy who we were getting iffy vibes from, but I think it was just his methods? He had no "bad" feeling about him. The mom was stuck in the past kind of with what she was upset about; she thought we were still acting like we did in 2010 and we were afraid that counted as "lying" to this healer, he would get the wrong idea, wouldn't be helping our actual problems.
But it helped, still. He did a quick exorcism to get rid of the floating voices and I FELT a lot of heaviness getting pulled out. That felt amazing really.
Then he did a sort of soul-to-soul talking thing, we all listened, to help with the "eating disorder" bit and also the "cutting," both at the request of the mother. Neither were actively relevant; however, there was one intention that was not lost. "Become the child of God you were meant to be." Essentially the vibe of that statement is what stuck. "Stop thinking you are less than a beloved creation of the Most High." That's the message we are holding to and that is what will help. Julie got the most from that; she fronted for a minute during the healing so she's the one with the memory of it actually.
The actual reiki was interesting too. We had to lie down and he was doing all this spinny/wavy stuff with his hands. But the energy from his hands felt gold, like a thin wavy pretty gold, like champagne or christmas ribbon. Gold with a silver softness to it, not the heavy punch solid gold. It was nice. I'm not sure what he did, other than fixing up energy centers (thank youu) and helping clear out blocks, but it helped. We felt really really nice for the rest of the evening, and a LOT lighter and happier today. So something worked! We're very glad and thankful for him.
Also he SEEMS to have fixed our ankle. It sure feels like it; the stiffness it's chronically had since 2012 was GONE today. That's seriously awesome.

EVERYONE at the expo got our projected gender correct. Possibly thank Sherlock; we got his glasses back (our prescription changed and now we've got that extra long-distance clarity boost again) and he decided we looked "rather handsome" wearing them so he gave us permission (and some happy but slightly self-conscious encouragement) to wear them to the expo. They masculinize our face a lot so hey.
The best part, though, is that when we saw that healer guy? The mother kept referring to us as "she," or as a female, etc. But no matter what she said, the healer kept calling us "he," and a boy. That was really notable, especially from a healer person, really... he didn't change what he was saying no matter what the mother even said! So that felt really nice, and reassuring.

The aura lady was there. She recognized us, which was nice, we haven't seen her in almost 2 years. Our aura yesterday was all rich indigo, with a big white-pink spot to our right. I was surprised it looked so nice as we had been feeling quite 'off' recently.
She told us a few things that we wrote down... she reminded us to "go fly a kite" this summer, because that's apparently a very "in the moment" thing, and it encourages childlike fun. Genesis is totally down with the idea so we're going to have to do it. It sounds lovely actually.
She did point that out too, that's the message the pink in our aura said-- smile more, like a child, be more childlike and happy. I smiled and said that was a big emphatic message in our life lately (especially with Steven Universe; Rose Quartz is already a very dear character to us). She also said to keep in mind that animals could give that same message too, with living in the moment. I was hesitant at first; we've never felt any large connection to the animal kingdom in our lives, except to bats and unicorns and dragons and things. Nothing more 'common.' Javier's the first of us all to feel a strong affectionate affinity with animals. But then the aura lady told us a story, of a time she was at a friend's house and that person was shouting at their dog for being disobedient... the dog lay down on the rug with its head on its paws and just stared at the aura lady for 10 minutes or so. Then it got up and went over to its master and just started licking her face, wagging its tail, totally happy. But she was still mad and was pushing the dog away. That didn't matter, the aura lady said-- the dog still loved her totally. It forgave her completely, for shouting at it so. And that was a really nice lesson for us.
The other two things she said... first, "perfection isn't always a good thing." That's an ancient issue! The "flawless" definition of "perfect" is impossible and leads to plague-calcification, really. It's dangerous. I made a mental note that "perfection," if it truly exists in any way, exists in a transcendent sense-- and it embraces flaws and mistakes and other "imperfect" things as pieces in the puzzle still, however roughly shapen. It's hard to wrap a "mind" around but the heart understands that.
Last thing she said, we mentioned that we wrote (she asked us if we did creative work and we said yes, in many mediums) and said we wrote both stories and journals. She asked for a link to our "blog" but I abashedly said it was "kind of messy;" we used it as a way of sharing ALL our lessons and experiences for the sake of helping others in similar situations, as a form of shadow-work and honesty. So it was a little embarrassing, when the "bad" or "messy" entries happen. To that, she then said, "the mess is what carries the message." Then she smiled, said that just came to her, and insisted I write it down. So there it is!
I like that though. It felt very significant, and profoundly validating (if that's the right word? more like, we're not "wrong" in doing this this way. it still can be utilized for great good if we intend it as such, no matter how messy it may appear).

What else happened at the expo. Oh, there were gemstones and rocks as always. There were amber pieces that felt comforting but none were really talking. My "guides" (mostly Mr. Sandman; he's the only one I can see/hear well, and the only one I explicitly trust) were telling me not to feel obligated to buy any anyway; I didn't need to, and I needed the money for other things (turned out to be that color reading actually). But of course I still had to look at the Mookaite Jasper and the Malachite, because I'm a strangely sentimental sillyhead. There was a jasper heart that the mother picked up almost instantly after we went looking for jasper, and she said "I don't know why but this one wants to come home with me. I don't know who it's for. Maybe it's for you!" I had to smile because dang that stone had such a nice feeling to it, but it still felt neutral. Like it was benevolent but it didn't need to work with us specifically. The mom ended up keeping it for herself, which is totally fine. But then there was this one piece of malachite which I swear was the loudest darn thing. It made me nervous though; we held it with the jasper heart for a while and WHOA did that get heavy. Not weight-wise, but energy-wise; some stones just feel big and those two were draining me out. I got overwhelmed and fatigued and had to put them down. But then the malachite felt sad? Oddly it felt like it "missed us" and wanted us to pick it up again. But there was a "clingy" edge to that feeling which made me kind of "ehh," unsure. I don't like working with a lot of stones because a lot of them feel that way to us... either demanding and loud, or clingy with abandonment issues. I don't know why?? I didn't think stones were capable of feeling that way?? Maybe it's outside residue... I'll have to clean them more. But yeah. We only have a few stones... some black and blue Kyanite (which is very agreeable and quiet), a bunch of tumbled clear quartz, some rose quartz pieces, and a little glass bottle of gold flakes. That's the nightstand crew, haha. Everything else ended up being put back into the earth, or in our brother's room. Gotta be careful with vibes. Sometimes they just don't feel good for us anymore no matter how much cleansing we do so we have to release them. They get antsy and want to go, so there they go.

But about the malachite/jasper, we need to talk about Steven Universe, but those two individuals had the most pull on us lately. I can't tell you totally why yet... we need to rewatch the finale first. But Jasper struck us of course because she's built big and muscular, with a rougher voice, and really that sort of vibe just reminds me of Laurie. So there's instant weakness, haha. But Malachite, geez I have no idea, there's this weird sort of intuitive draw to her in us, something green and delicate but powerful, a solid force but clear like glass... why the heck are we getting this vibe from her, I keep wondering, Jay too. We figured out a few things: one, she's a fusion of Jasper (big, strong, rough Gem, imposing and kind of brutal) and Lapis Lazuli (slender, small, pretty Gem, but with understated power), which instantly makes Malachite a very compelling dichotomy. Plus her FEET!! She has HANDS for feet which is GORGEOUS in an odd way; the fact that she has four hands to walk on gives such an extra boost of groundedness, of total stability and solidness. It's the grip of the hands, the dexterity and expression in them, instead of flat feet. It feels incredibly secure, especially with her having a "centaur" top half as well, with two free arms. Then her face and hair-- FOUR EYES good lord it's pretty. Her face is a combo of Lapis' soft edges and pointed "sophistication," that sort of feminine clear vibe, and Jasper's fierce smile. But her teeth are still pointy and her nose is a gem so there is this unusual delicacy to her face, despite it being so fierce. And her hairrrrr. It's so nice and fluffy. But it's floaty, in five points, which is an aesthetic we really like (the whole "halo" sort of similarity) I just wanted to mention. I'm just trying to list reasons why we like her. (on that note i must mention her voice it's SO NICE ;__; Dissonant or not, the blending of Lapis' higher pitch and Jasper's oddly soft pronunciations is just agh. so nice.)
Most of all though were those chains. Especially the chest-cross one. It hit me all at once while watching the clip before; that "heavy solid physical touch" that the chains give, tight and bound and not dragging, that's the sort of impersonal body contact we used to almost revere as a child. You know how we treated wounds and blood and injury and tears as sacred? Same thing with being chained up, especially with arms; it's a chest-opening thing and it's almost an obligatorily self-opening action as well? We have a deep, important significance given to that sort of vulnerability, in all contexts, but (again) as a child we always treasured that more "brutal" edge to it. Kind of why we like Jasper, too, probably. But THAT is for another day, hoo boy, it is way too late to start thinking about her on top of this.
But it's ridiculous; just the way Malachite is drawn/ presented is this perfect aesthetic vibe for us. Yeah, we think a lot about this sort of thing. But it WORKS. You feel meaning, you look for that meaning, you find it. Everything can carry a message. She does! So yes Malachite is bizarrely pretty and also held rather dear to us right now for that smattering of unusual personally resonant reasons. So please forgive the rambling, I've just been wanting to put that into words. We adore this show so much, we want to talk about it.
(Personal inside joke right now. Lapis is similar to CZ and Jasper is similar to Laurie, therefore Malachite is this theoretical fusion of sheer awesome and we're all giggling about it.)

I had a dream three days ago about an elevator, we were in it with two guys and then the cable snapped and it fell to the bottom of the shaft, which was like 10 stories underground at least. But we weren't scared, and somehow we got out of it and we were okay. It's the first dream we've remembered in weeks.
This morning we woke up by ourselves, our dream had something to do with the father going on vacation, and the brothers' birthday party. I remember there were apple chips with cheese on the table (like potato chips. I thought it was bizarre but they actually tasted good), and in the dad's room there was a suitcase or something in a shelf, and next to it was a small jar of salt but it was also half-full of black beetles, alive and swarming. Bugs on top, salt on the bottom, black/white split. That detail stood out the most. Just mentioning that too.
Our dreams lately have had that odd sort of "hospital hallway" or "old city building" vibe, for the most part. It's not a bad vibe at all; it's actually rather comforting. It's just unusual, as it's a "grounded" sort of environment to nevertheless "real" dreams (sometimes we get "earthy" dreams with no magic, but these dreams are obviously "otherwordly" and they have a hidden sparkle, it's just buried in all that architecture). We're used to very colorful, sprawling, lucid strange environments, so having that exact same feeling "boxed in" is odd but nice. I'm glad we're tapping back into that again.

The body's kind of sick right now? Not bad sick, just eating sick. We're super sensitive to a lot of foods and today we tried coconut again and nope, it hurts like hell still. We're not good with oils. So we won't do that again if we can help it (our diet is dangerously limited sometimes so we have to bend rules every once in a while even if it makes us ill; trying to find a better option currently).
But like I said. We're okay. We feel cruddy but our soul isn't dirty. That's what we keep having to remember.

Tomorrow is therapy, I apologize profusely as we keep forgetting (?) to write about it. I think a lot of it is still residual "shame," really. Like, "you can't have this inner joy and wonder because it's wrong." No idea why that's still a haunting phrase. Probably due to the hackers and all the stuff that happened in 2012, especially the early half of the year. No clue, I'm guessing with dates really.
But there's a lot we want to write about still. Good things. We still want to focus on that. No time tonight for more, it's too late, we're exhausted.

See you soon. Well wishes to all of you, and light.