track 05

 (august 23rd 2014)

(Jay) (60:25) Ow. Oh, wow-- ow. That hurt. Coming back, into this car… that hurt. …And I'm aware that time has passed, and yet… feels like my soul is connected to something beyond the stars. And yet… it's like, in A Wind Through The Door, when they're talking to… what was his name… the mitochondria. The little mouse shrimp guy. And they're talking about how, they sing the songs of the stars, there inside the cells, even though they've never seen the stars, even though the stars are billions of miles away from them inside the cells… th-the farandolae. And… they were like, 'well, we're still connected,' I guess, to the essence of the souls or the hearts of the stars… and even though you have these miniscule, miniscule cells, and then these huge, massive stars, billions of miles apart… they were singing the same song, and despite the physical, tangible distance, there was no distance between their hearts. And so they're singing the song in the cells with the stars, and it's as if they were there, right with them. And that's the feeling I have right now. Like I'm a little farandolae. A little mousy shrimp. *laugh* A little magic tree inside the cell, keeping the air going, with the breathing. And… and yet there's something singing in my heart, that's singing something billions of miles away in the stars… and yet there's no distance at all. It's weird! It's like I'm aware that there's this great, great, great distance that would take hundreds of lifetimes to surpass in physical distance… and yet in my heart, there is no distance. It's like 3D linear distance doesn't even con- com-- compute. And it's like-- it's like, I can't say 'oh they're right next to me in my heart,' because, that's the feeling of-- it's-- it's, no. It's literally-- it's a distanceless feeling. And that's hard to explain. Like there is no sense of distance. It's just there. And, that's incredible. It is such a beautiful feeling. It's like, no matter how far away things are, in the heart they are right… there. It's absolutely gorgeous. And timelessness, oh, I'm aware of timelessness. Timelessness is that feeling of being in the eternal moment. It's like liquid almost. It's like floating in the sea. …It's not a sense of linear time, it's like not even a sense of past and future in the terms of linear time, it's just-- you're there floating… it's like, past and future the way we think of them don't even exist in that floating space, it's just time is this great… *laugh* big-- wibbly-wobbly ball of timey-wimey stuff! It's like a big bubble. Kind of like Infi's bubble, except… what was it, Apotheosis? That one music video to that beautiful song, where it's-- everything, it's all the mirrored images in like, that bubble. And there's that one where it's like, the sky mirrored within itself, or the-- not the ocean mirrored, but it was just kind of like water. It's kind of like-- you know in Sonic Battle, when Rouge blows those bubbles? I think it's Rouge. And she blows kisses, and it's those iridescent floating bubbles? But they always feel like they're made of liquid, for me? Like that. …Everything is… geez, it's-- it's gorgeous. …And you know what? I just want to reiterate… belief… it's not forcing belief, it's belief in. It's tuning into reality in which there is already… it's tuning in. It's not forcing, it's just that openness of the heart, it's believing. And it's love.
(60:30) And belief is so powerful. Because it opens gates. It's an openness, it's a total open vulnerability and trusting, and faith. …It’s beautiful, really. …I want to sleep, and I don't want to sleep. I'm in a meditative state right now. …It's utterly gorgeous. It's a timelessness, man. …I'm just going to sit here like this for a minute and leave the voice recorder on, because if I say anything I want it recorded. *laugh* If I start singing or something don't mind me, that's kind of… m-my heart's singing like Infi sings. …That's one thing I always found funny. It's that… things translate, according to what, they have around them to translate into. And with Infi, it's these ecstatic states. And it always translates into the Hallelujah chorus. Which is… not embarrassing, *laugh* but just kind of, you know, like "oh geez, really?" But… it's just, if you get rid of the, quote unquote, "overused factor" of that chorus-- if you tune into the chorus itself, what is that? The Hallelujah chorus, it's just exuberant joy, it's just-- hallelujah! It's just, you know-- praise of God, it's just, you know, the sheer joy of singing it. That's the feeling! It has nothing to do with how that song may be used in reality. That's memory, that's just linear, kind of 3D, kind of memory usage stuff. It's getting stuck on the past. If you take the song itself, the Hallelujah chorus, Handel's Hallelujah chorus… I think it's Handel. And you take the feeling of being in that song and singing it… it's this, whitish-gold, just… sunlight streaming through Sunday morning glass… Easter morning sunlight, just bright lilies and gold and… joy! It's just, hallelujah, it's, it's beautiful-- and that is what Infi radiates, in those states. …Except… it's, in a state like that feeling was condensed, to a point, faceted in a diamond. It's taken and it's not condensed, it's just-- not shrunk, but just, you take it and you… con-- it's, condensed is the only word I can think-- into that diamond. You take it in your-- with your hands, and you bring it together, together, until it's-- it doesn't lose any of its power but it becomes… focused. In that pinpoint brilliant sharp light, in that diamond. And in that sharpness, it just tugs at your heart, and it's that shine, that diamond-bright gleam in that one little facet, just shining! Right in your heart. And it's that glorious, exuberant joy of the Hallelujah, but in that shine, that, single facet… four-pointed rainbow glow, that shine… it's like a diamond cutting into your heart in the most beautiful way and there's just that… oh, gosh, how do you put that into words? Um… it's intimate. It's that glorious, golden-lily Easter morning sunlight Hallelujah feeling… but its different because you condense into that diamond bright, and it's like that feeling and it's just… oh, it's beautiful, and that's just Infi! …But normally, Infi, what does Infi feel like… 'cause those, that's-- Infi exuberant. Infi is like… the night sky, but… in a very specific way? It's like seeing the Milky Way above… it's kind of like-- the one-- the only image that I keep getting is that one night, that we'll never forget-- that we were out on the dock in 1000 Islands and looking up at the sky. Above the water. If we had looked up and seen the Milky Way stretching out, deep purple-white-black-silver above our heads, just stretching out, filling up the whole sky, our whole heart… and lying down on that dock, and the ocean all around and the sky all above and just, infinite glorious expanse… and that feeling of 'there's no distance' and yet there's distance and yet it's so close, and lying on that dock and feeling the ocean deep and vast around us… and then that great, vast, empty, glory of the sky above and just-- no distance, and… feeling like we were part of the sky, lying there and just that, intimate distance… of the velvet nothingness, just surrounding us. That's what Infi feels like.
(60:35) So when you lie there, and the sky-- you know that, y'know, the sky is up there. *laugh* It's a couple-- it's really vast! It's, y'know, billions of miles wide. And you look up and you're like, 'I can't touch the frickin' Milky Way!' It's like, a conglomerate-- it's not a conglomerate, conglomerate's the wrong word-- it's a, it's a… con… something. …Collective image? It's-- you look up at the sky, and you know that maybe this star is, maybe so many billions, and that one is so many trillions of miles away, and yet all of them together collected make one coherent image of this beautiful Milky Way shining above us. So it's this vast, intolerable distances-- just these, incoherable distances-- incomprehensible distances *laugh*-- vast and great, all above us, and yet… we see it all as this one, gorgeous picture. And even though it's so far away, you reach up your arms and you're only reaching up like two feet up into the sky-- and that's, miles and miles and miles beyond-- and yet, you feel like you could touch it. And there's this vast emptiness between me and the ocean and even just the stratosphere, just m-- a full mile, at least, of just nothing. And yet in those two little feet… just like, that m-meter or so… not even, of space… reaching up, my fingertips could brush the stars. And when you reach up, and you're open to the sky, to the nothingness, to the gentle air flowing above the ocean… and just that gorgeous, compassionate expanse… and the suddenly, space has its arms around you. …The infinite cosmos… infinity… is embracing you. And the Milky Way has… it's… it's like, the Milky Way has it's… geez, how do you explain that? It's like, the feeling you get… with… geez! *long pause* …It's like the universe has its face buried in your shoulder, and it's just… it' arms are just wrapped around you… and it's holding you to its great… just… black hole of a heart. *laugh* But shining, vivid, just this, this pulsar, it's, it's just-- I'm trying to think-- and it's just holding you, and it's just-- you're just-- you're a child, of that universe! And it loves you! And you can just feel that, as soon as you open to it, it's there. Always. And that's what people mean-- that's what I mean, when I say, y'know, the love of God, the love of the Universe, it's always there-- that's it. …And you get that, to a different sense, when you sink in the ocean, except in the ocean it's so much more intimate because it's physical, it's tangible. It's this life, like you, this incarnated in atoms, close and there, and you're just… it's dangerous but it's beautiful and it's life, and you can't breathe it but it's in your lungs and your blood all the same and it's just… the embrace of the ocean is passionate. And yet… it's, it's just… it's the rapture of the deep. Its utterly gorgeous, you know, you fall into the arms of the ocean and your heart just, floods… and you're just overwhelmed, it’s just this… the, unfathomable depths of that love. But you can't stay there forever, because you'll just-- you'll die just from the bliss of it. *laugh* You gotta come back up and get the air. You've gotta have the air and the water. You gotta balance. It's beautiful, man. Just life. …Oh, gosh, I love it, it's gorgeous.
(60:40) I'm gonna have to go talk to Laurie and Genesis because Laurie's not doing well. She's slipping. And I'm going to have to just… I don't know why she's slipping, should I talk to her maybe? Laurie, get over here. …Where am I? Find me. I'm sitting in a car with voice recorder on. Find me. Come talk to me. You're slipping, I'm not. Let me radiate some of this towards you. …You are slipping badly, Laurie. …How badly? …You're not… tune into yourself. Tune into your color, your form, you know who you are. …Your hair is wrong, love. …Careful with your language, 'kay? …You were there, a second. It keeps rounding your hair out too much. …*laugh* Maybe I do. …I was with CZ and Infi for like an hour. …Not even the slightest chance of a hack, Laurie. …Get in front of me, okay? I can't… turn. …No. No pain, no slipping, no anything. It was-- through-- it was, gorgeous. Oh, yeah, absolutely. CZ and I had like a straight-up heart connection. It was-- we got the lemniscate loop going! Also there's double. …No, there's this, and then there's the full-body. It's a zero. …No, I know I do. It's just doubt gets in the way. …Why are you slipping? …If you need to rough-- rough me up, you know… if you need to, you know, give me a good right hook to the face, go ahead, if it'll… try it, seriously, punch me. …Maybe? …*laugh* Sorry. …If anything's making you slip because you love me, that shows that there is a problem, with our understanding of love in the System. *long pause* …I know, Laurie. …No, I know you're real, I know you're here too. …But… yeah, your hair is, a mess. …It's because I look at you. …Yeah, Essential-- yes. …You look tired, love. You look sad. …Why would you lose me? …I don't want to lose you, okay? The reason why you have that scar on your neck is because the first time that almost happened-- *pause* I know, I know. *long pause* …It's not a light at the end of the tunnel because we're not in a tunnel, Laurie. This is a light, and we're in the light. Somebody just keeps, *laugh* putting a frickin' paper tube in front of our eyes and making us think we're in a tunnel. …Good. I'm glad it works.
(1:45) …Too caught in the physical, dear. Yeah. …Well, one, I gotta save up, and I gotta order that bracelet. I've got to start wearing some sort of rainbow something to remind me of you guys. *long pause* …I heard. …I was so far-- I'm looking at it, and I'm aware that I was aware of it, but it's that kind of awareness that, there is an infinite-- not even-- it's not infinite, but there is a vast… yeah. There's a vast cold wasteland between me and everybody else and it's terrible. …Yeah I'm okay, my spine just hurts. *shuffling* I've been sitting on my butt for like an hour, Laurie. Ach, geez. …Yeah I'm out in the car. …Yeah I'll be all right. …Tell you what, time-- I'm gonna lose-- I'm gonna lose connection if I tell you what time it is, Laurie. …It's gonna hurt, man. Yeah, if I untune. …Oh, but it hurts. …My heart, Laurie-- it hurts when I try to focus on just the physical and not you guys. …There's gotta be a way to bridge the two without having to unplug. Yeah. …There's gotta be a way. …It's supposed to. …You'd better be! Seriously. …Laurie, you and I had both-- gotta do the work. *long pause* …Think I might've by accident. …Did you just-- put me back? …Yeah, I'm like, halfway between headspace and physical reality. …Where's-- where's Infi? Where's Genesis? Where's CZ? …*laugh* Yeah, I did say I was just with CZ, but I'm just wondering where they are. CZ wants me to go lie down with him in bed, in a nice, beautiful way, just kind of lie there together for a while. …Infi, I just want to know where Infi is, and I haven't seen Genesis… that I have-- that has been a concern. There is too much-- pushing too hard with Genesis. …Yeah-- you're right. …Oh, shoot. …You know what? I'm going to. In a week I'm going to get my money, and, I'm going to have to open commissions or something in the meantime-- I'm gonna apply for that K-mart job I think, just to get some sort of cash, I'm not sure… I'm going to have to look. Cause, I want to apply for a job, but that K-Mart job just isn't syncing well. I don't know, I'll keep my eyes open. I just have to say that, 'I have a job'… hmm. I have… I have to have the vibration that there is a job opportunity open to me… that I-- it's perfect for me… good pay, good distance, good atmosphere. And I will receive the notification of it… and then I will act on it. *yawning* …It will be brought to me, because if I keep saying 'I have a job, I have a job!' but I don't know what… I have to focus on, reaching… that point.
(60:50) …Yeah, 'don't think so hard,' that's been a key, phrase of the night… oh, also, *laugh* Captain Striker is now an in-joke. …Probably because he's a mantis shrimp. Now, because whenever I have to talk about something when, kind of, the you know, the… hands behind your back, whistling 'I'm not doing anything'-- you talk about Captain Striker. *laugh* I don't know! Because he's a mantis shrimp, and I kind of, think he's adorable, and… part of me wants to be him, yes. He's-- he's great. …Essentially. But we have to be careful with in-jokes. We can’t take things too nonchalantly, and Infi was saying the whole-- not lack of reverence, but the lack of… yes. The lack of… prudence and discernment, yes, discernment with it. S-- we don't lack reverence, we have reverence, we are reverent. But we're not being as wise as we should with what we say? We’re jumping the gun. …Exactly. We're not being as aware of what we're saying as we should be. …Exactly. So that could be an in-joke, but let's not get to that point. …Yeah, if we're interrupted we have to, but. …Yeah. Tuning into myself is probably the most important thing I could ever do. …Yeah, no kidding it helps! I am so happy, I can't wait until my hair starts growing in. …It feels like, I'm going to fall into a… a deep, warm energy, with this masculinity thing. …I don't know, it's good. …Still hurts to come back to physical reality, oh my gosh, my heart is so entwined with you guys. …There's gotta be a way, not cutting it off, but tuning into the physical-- I'm just going to have to slowly tune back in. Oh-- well-- yeah, I'm going to be tuning right back in now. …Uh-- no? Because I gotta, finish getting ready for bed, and depending on what time it is-- *pause* Uh, probably around midnight? …I don’t know? I know. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna maybe write stuff down. …Yes. Call Genesis into the bedroom, tell him stick around for the night-- ask him, whether or not he wants to stay in our room or if he wants his own room. If he wants his own room, ask if we can set up a door or mirror in ours that will connect to his. But-- *pause* You're tuning into my emotions. …Ooh. …Don't tear me out, Laurie. …Oh yeah, I guess I can't sleep in the car. *long pause, sigh* …Okay. …It's so weird coming back into physical reality. I struggle with it. That's why I have the problems w--we have the problems with the eating stuff, because... well, more of 'I.'… because… I need to be more aware, in the physical, without tuning out… I need to be more aware, in the physical. I need some sort of grounding thing, or awareness… I need to be more aware. I-I'll do it. I'll-- I can do it, I know I can do it, we will do it…