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Oh Progo, Proginoskes, darling, why'd you have to break my heart like that?

Honestly, I knew it would happen. By page 101 I knew it would happen. But I didn't know how. When it did... well. The foreshadowing, the motivations, the exact moment, made it devastating.
And yet, I don't wish it hadn't happened. I'm not bitter over it. Funny how that makes it hurt all the more, but in such a different way.

"I'll ask you a riddle. What do you have the more of, the more of it you give away?"
"Oh, love, I suppose."
"So, if I care more about Naming than anything else, then maybe I have to give myself away, if it's the only way to show my love. All the way away..."

I believe it just may be impossible for me to read one of L'Engle's books without finishing it in joyfully pained tears. This is the third time in a row, now.
Mrs. L'Engle, wherever you may be now (Where doesn't matter), God bless you for writing this book. Bless you for bringing this story into the world, where 40 years after cherubim first danced upon its pages they can still reach a lost soul strongly enough to give him hope, real and true and heartbreakingly bright, for the first time in heaven knows how long.
It is impossible for me to adequately express my gratitude in words, but I'm sure you know far better than I do that words can only say so much.

But, Progo, Progo, you beautiful thing, I loved you as much as Meg did. I felt just as incomplete as she did once your fire and smoke were gone. But, I must thank you for doing what you did. You, strange and lovely cherubim, broke through the awful empty void around my heart just as you did the one within the mitochondrion. And it's quite rare, for someone to do that so effortlessly, instantly, and completely.
See, I'd forgotten how to sing, too. I haven't had a Name in a very, very long time. And I had become dangerously, almost irretrievably buried in the sickly-sweet lies of nothingness, of emptiness, of non-being.
Then, suddenly, there were wings and flame and wind... and an impossible hope broke through the cold and dark.
Glory, joy, being, love. How I had forgotten. No more.
So thank you, Proginoskes. Thank you. I'll never forget you either.

 

_{This has been J feeling way too many things about A Wind In The Door, good night.}

 

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@ 02:04 am

things of yesterday!

- finished reading a wind in the door and immediately that previous entry happened, i apologize for the wordiness but words are all i had to work with. but yeah i WILL talk more about that later; that book hit my heart like a hurricane and i love it so, i love it

- played sc4 with the system for a bit this evening to unwind (knife has amy's moveset (HIS CHOICE) so he's like this graceful pretty guy with a really dour face, laurie was cracking up over that.), we haven't done that in months and its great fun. however, mulberry lost to a cpu julie and she actually seemed emotionally shaken by it? unusual for her to show such emotion. she took it as almost symbolic, that she wasnt strong enough, knife said that was fine. she didnt need to do the same things he or razor or sugar did to be important, and valuable. so that was really moving and sweet to see the support between them.

- laurie and infinitii i love you two, oh man this afternoon was gorgeous. i forget when it was exactly, but my mother had scared me badly earlier and my instinctive reaction was to call infi, for the protection of his shadowy wings. but i stopped myself, "don't force him to help," and the dreaded "you're only imagining them all." felt bad for a bit but then laurie reached out to me first? sat down with me in headspace and reassured me that if i needed anyone's help to just ask; we were all supposed to help each other and there was nothing 'wrong' about that. she knew i wasn't being selfish, i only was asking for infi because i trusted him and valued him. the most notable part was her reminding me that "we're always here for you," and just reached out and touched the middle of my chest meaningfully. basically "don't ever feel lonely or unwanted, you will ALWAYS have us, you are NEVER alone." she talked me down for a little while like this, it did help as it always does. however lately i've been very vulnerable in headspace (likely thanks to the l'engle books) so i actually hugged her at one point, just this childlike gratitude. her response to that was to kiss me on the forehead, just as simple as that, it was perfect. i know for a fact that shortly after this infinitii did show up, but he looked hesitant. didn't say anything. walked over to us, knelt down by me, looked rather distraught but hopeful? i realized he wasn't talking because his native language isn't spoken. but he wasn't sending anything either. he was just kind of being. but he looked so sad and i asked why, i got a sudden unspoken response that he didn't want to accidentally hurt me, or make things worse. i just melted then, total forgiveness and compassion, just reached out an arm to him to show he was included in this, i held nothing against him, even after the pain of the other night. his reaction was something i don't think i'll forget: he moved in closer so that i could reach around him in an embrace, but then he put his arms around both laurie and i, slowly and deliberately, and just gently pulled us all closer, so that our foreheads were touching. it was the sweetest quietest thing, felt like total unconditional love from everyone there, it was beautiful. i know we just stayed like that for a bit. at some point we did start talking a little again; i think that's when i told laurie that i wanted to have this in the physical world more than anything else, ever. she reminded me again that we all had each other always, i just had to ask or reach out, but i said that wasn't quite the point. then i showed her what i was looking at in reality right then, just bright blue skies and iridescent clouds and trees the color of molten gold, and said that THAT is why i wanted is to all be able to be in physical reality together: i wanted us to share that. then i kind of laughed, and said you know what, isn't it hilarious how all i really want in life are these stupidly little things? that's all i want, ever, from anything. just to be able to go outside and walk through the falling leaves with her, or just sit under a tree for hours with infi, not even saying anything. i just wanted to share those little moments with them, all of the people in headspace, those tiny peaceful simple moments so sadly missing from our lives over the past several years. i remember laurie was actually tearing up over all this, without thinking i reached out to brush a tear away, she laughed kind of incredulously, but didnt protest; that sort of action was what i was talking about too (of course when infi's sad or emotional he just feels entirely like the verge of heartbreak, but he doesn't cry, it's emotionally devastating if you don't let it just move through you). anyway yeah i ended up crying too because "do you realize how important this is," we've all been a shambles for a YEAR now, finally we're coming together again like family and friends and so much more than that. this is what we NEED to be about, not the pain that brought us here in the first place. we can move beyond that now.

- chaos keeps trying to reach me too. mostly through music, but surprisingly he's kind of just getting through when nothing around is consciously reminding me of him. just like i'm open enough to tell he's around, or close enough to feel. it's undeniable. it's quiet but he is there, walls are breaking down. i'm realizing what is still in our way so i may have to work that out on here sometime soon too, just to get it written down and therefore out of my head. i think maybe i'm almost ready to meet him again, my mind may not remember him at all but my heart knows him, and that says more than analysis and logic ever can.

so yes, that was today, it was beautiful really.
now as you can see, it is 2am and as usual i am not asleep (the house is quiet at night so i function better) and with all the love that was surrounding me today I MISS MY BOSS so i'm gonna go see how he's doing buh-bye ♥

 

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@ 04:30 pm

Whoa hey, VERY important note on the spiritual blogs this afternoon.

I would post the whole thing here but it's huge, so I'll just write a few notes on it here.

Okay, let's start with some thoughts their points brought up...
I've known for a long time now that I can no longer handle social environments, because of the energy I feel there. I cannot go into malls or stores or the like without someone being triggered, dissociating wildly, or otherwise being completely thrown off-balance. I do what I can to ground, but honestly I think it's just better if I avoid those places from now on (the one excursion last Thursday made me a bit of a mental mess for the rest of the day).
There's a line that is VERY RELEVANT too, capslock for emphasis. "Don't engage in lower energy conversations." Unfortunately those happen daily in my household. Thankfully I dislike such talk the way it is, so I've been actively removing myself from the area whenever they occur for several months now. Sometimes I'll get pulled in without realizing, but when I do that there will always be an inner warning, either from "above headspace" or from someone within the System. Plus I can actually feel the energy shift in me, and it makes me feel physically ill. Honestly that's been taking me by surprise lately-- many things I used to discuss casually with my family now make me feel very unwell. As I said, though, I'm getting much better at gauging my own energy, so when people start flinging grudges and old hurts and conspiracies I know enough to not get involved.
My biggest problem is still judging myself though. My godsend of a therapist is helping immensely in getting us to work through our old pains efficiently, something we struggled with alone for ages. Infinitii is also helping me personally, now that he's back and functioning better himself, but he deals with REALLY deep stuff, things that even Laurie won't touch, so there is a LOT of trauma and old self-hatred being dug up here. He is forever patient though, and compassionate, so he can handle it, which initially surprised me but I'm so grateful for it. He doesn't seem capable of losing hope. But that's practically mandatory for someone with his job, which is to hold the most dangerous and yet the most powerful slot in the System-- the Black slot, the color of space and infinite potential, the well of creation from which life springs. That's what it's supposed to be, not the sticky Tar stuff we've been used to dealing with. We know this.
And, again, A Wind In The Door cut straight to my heart with its relevance on that point. How do you fill an empty heart, how do you overcome cold nothingness, how do you win against the Echthroi if fighting makes them stronger? How do we win against the Tar if fighting it makes it stronger? Simple. You love. You love with everything you are, unconditionally, and you fill the void with that joy of being.
We learned that truth a long time ago, but somehow we forgot it. Maybe that was needed too. All I know is that right now, it's the perfect time to remember.

This point is huge: "Get off media."
I haven't watched TV in months. I don't listen to the radio anymore. I don't even have the heart to play video games-- that little round of SC4 yesterday was tough enough, what with the fighting. We've all kind of agreed that we no longer need to do things like that.
However, the Internet is still something I stick around on, here and there, for the sake of records like this and checking relevant sites. Unfortunately... there is a LOT of tar-sticky stuff on here. I avoid Tumblr now, same with deviantART when I'm not posting things. I only use FB to briefly keep in contact with acquaintances, otherwise I don't touch it. Even my old Youtube subscriptions are getting harder and harder to watch, music channels included. So many things just feel heavy, and painful, and dark anymore. But it's easy to let go once I realize that. There's no desire to deny that, and hold on selfishly. If it makes me energetically ill now, I just shrug and leave it behind.
Ironically, that IS happening with a certain webcomic now. The boorish humor and excessive violence was tough enough for me to manage from the beginning, but now I just don't feel any real interest in the entire thing anymore. Which is kind of hilarious, as I used to think it was the best thing ever. Oh well, things change. I was only reading it because old friends told me to anyway; it's not something I ever would have gravitated to on my own. I'm still reading a few other comics-- notably Paranatural-- but I've had to ditch most of the others. I'm going to be more vigilant now and toss anything else that feels problematic. Right now I'm sticking to L'Engle's books, and I haven't felt too shaken by Animorphs yet. Again, we'll just see how things develop. But I like the emphasis on the frequencies of those who created the media we take in, too. That is important and I've overlooked it.
You know, I think this is why I am literally incapable of working on the LeagueWorlds when I'm in a bad mood, or feeling down, or when it's too much of an intellectual effort. That sort of energy doesn't belong in there! And it's making me seriously reconsider the way I work, too, especially with Dream World. That's actually been following by the wayside because of the sheer amount of thinking I need to do with all the technical points. It burns me out so fast, it can't be right. I think I'm going to re-read the original chapters a few times over, get a feel for the way I used to write when I didn't care about technical info. And L'Engle is inspiring me here, too. In her books, fantastic and amazing things happen, but she NEVER goes into lecture mode with "and this is exactly how it works and why..." Honestly I think I'd lost all interest if she did, it would bog me down. On the contrary, she assures us that we can know things without understanding them, and that doesn't make them any less true. I'd also like to add that we can understand things without "knowing" them in a concrete way, too. So that feels very strongly like the direction I need to take now.
As for all the other series... I don't know. I love them all, but they're impossible to write for now because of the old energy in them. Mage Angels especially, which is ironically my most developed series. I think the ONLY thing keeping it alive is the vein of indomitable hope that runs through it, in spite of all the pain and despair.
In general, I'm just tired of the fighting. I'm tired of separation and cynicism and bitterness and depression. I want to write happy things, I don't want to see the people in these stories suffer either. But then I wonder, doesn't that defeat the purpose of stories? If stories exist to tell tales of growth and human nature, what happens to the stories when there is no need for conflict anymore? I don't know. Maybe we don't need that kind of story anymore. Maybe just living simply is all we need anymore. It's all I want now, when I really feel about it. I think that's a better sort of story.

Next point. HELLO THERAPY!
This is what's been distressing our System for over a full year now. "If we were created from pain and fear, to prevent pain and fear, can we keep existing once we completely overcome those things?" Can we become something better, greater, brighter?
Long story short, yes. Yes we can. I'm trying to let my therapist know this too-- she's still unsure whether or not integration would be better, but then again she doesn't even know us as people yet-- but no rush. We all know and accept and embrace that hope now. We can be something new. We don't have to fight anymore. Heck, Laurie's probably the most enthusiastic about it, and she was the most violent of us all. Now she's quickly becoming the exact opposite, and I have to smile, because this feels like it was her real role all along.
Knife's on board, Mulberry's on board, Sugar's on board, and I know even Razor would be too if she could just get over her obsession with cutting things (can we find a non-violent outlet for that?). Everyone who's currently alive in the System-- besides Julie unfortunately-- wants a different future, wants a life where they can be happy, and unafraid, instead of what we're currently still dealing with. But we'll get there. That's a guarantee.
The most important thing of that paragraph to me personally, though, was "don't tell people what to do!!" That's an old and useless part of my personality, I think. As a kid I would boss everyone around. Growing older I became used to following everyone else's rules unquestioningly, but also feeling obligated to "lead everyone else." That's actually the first thing that started making me feel sick when I realized it, would you believe? People would ask for my opinion, or "what they should do," or anything that put me on the spot to make some sort of judgment over another's thoughts or actions, and as soon as I'd start talking, I'd feel uneasy. "Don't be talking in absolutes," I'd hear. "Don't act like you know things for sure." Stop assuming that there was only one right answer, and stop pursuing that false ideal so doggedly. Stop being so paranoid about everyone else's decisions because "you care about their well-being." Guess what? The Universe cares about them too! Everything will work out, trust it. Their lives aren't yours. Share advice, but let THEM choose what to do with it. Push no one. Lead only without leading. Everyone has their own path, so walk yours well, and let that be all.

This point actually surprised me. "If you are not doing a 'higher consciousness' spiritual practice, just ‘being the Love and the Light’ is no longer sufficient." My knee-jerk reaction was that I was failing at this, haha. Go away, old instincts! But no, I'm not a total failure. I am meditating, but it would be wiser to do so more often, and more deeply, ESPECIALLY now that headspace is coming together again. I am clearing a great deal of old debris, but it would be very unwise to just sit back and wait for it to dissolve, instead of taking initiative myself. I am well aware of several barriers still existing, all rooted in some strange unclear fear, barriers that actually became VERY clear to me while reading A Wind in The Door, no surprise. Since my conscious mind seems reluctant to dive in and dismantle those fears, meditation is required to find them and gently remove them for good. My only protest is that the atmosphere inside this house is rather dense, and meditation can be incredibly difficult when all around me there is noise and heaviness and strange feelings that make me want to cry or scream if I let them unbalance me. The solution? Go outside! It's always there for me, and I know that as soon as I walk out the front door, I can actually feel a weight fall off my shoulders. Plus, I already know that my clearest meditations happen in cars, or standing on the front lawn! It's quiet and closer to the world than it is inside these four walls, smothered by too much clutter and old pain. So go outside, dude. You need to.

Point 10. How fitting, as I've been concerned about this for months now.
I'm also going to paste the entire paragraph here, as it's perfectly relevant as is.

"99% of channelers mean well but a huge percentage of them have no way of knowing if what they receive is pure... Don’t give away your power to a channeled concept or idea or being. If they can assist you to become more of your Higher self, then use that guidance. If they want to allow you to sit by and have them do the work of increasing the Light for you; then don’t follow that advice/suggestion. You are not just a being of Love and Light, if you did not have to do any work on yourself, you sure as heck would not be on this planet, right?"


I think that's all I'm going to write for today.
I'm debating whether or not to re-read A Swiftly Tilting Planet next, as I actually first read it immediately after the Scratch this February, and although all the war stuff was somewhat tedious for me to read, the book still had enough of an impact on me to reduce me to tears for a good 15 minutes after turning the final page-- specifically because of how relevant it was to both the LeagueWorlds AND headspace. So for that fact, I seriously think I should re-read it, despite my reluctance at dealing with the colonial bigotry and such that Charles has to witness during his travels. I have faith enough in Mrs. L'Engle to trust that the book will nevertheless be important now, as it was 7 months ago, when this strange inner ordeal of mine started. Perhaps that fact alone is why I am reluctant. We shall see.

Before I close up, though, I just want to thank Infi for helping me heal from the trauma the other day, and for being wise about it, since it was really late and I was slipping really badly. But it worked, somehow, and he has my gratitude for it. Don't let my ego try to deny that, because it does. It likes to deny progress out of fear of the past. Don't listen when it does that, because the past no longer has any power over any of us.

"If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego... and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved & the need to judge. Those are the 3 things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up."

Until next time.