072213

 

 

(not j where is he)

i think headspace is falling apart

too many fragments
too many strange people
nothing looks or feels right
no one is fronting it is all empty and dead

people are still alive yes but its all broken and wrong

phase four, thats what this feels like now

phase one= julie
phase two= tar
phase three= underground
and now
phase four= originals

christina and jess want us dead in different ways
not sure how to deal with this
too much is happening too fast

the body is so sick, so sick
i had a feeling this would happen
its one of those wretched nights
weekends are always like this
"think differently"
okay
this is the last bad weekend ever
lets try to fix this

but right now everything hurts we're scared

we're so scared and ashamed of living
we're so guilty for living
we don't really exist
we're so pained
so full of pain.
look at how we hurt people.
look at how we ruin lives.
she's right
we shouldn't exist

but how do we just stop existing?
she said we cant kill the body thats a sin
but we cant keep living in it what do we do

we dont want to live anymore we really dont
too much hurt and scared and sick
not good
not nice
crying.
go away
want to sleep forever.

she said we don't actually exist at all
so why dont we just disappear
why cant we just disappear
and be gone forever

please let us be gone when she wakes up
all of us
maybe then she;lll be happy
and we'll be dead
and no one will hurt anymore/

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 09:43 am

So we've noticed something that seems to be uncommon, about our system-- at least, according to what we know of the community.

99% of the time, we don't have an "original consciousness" in the body walking around, living their life and being aware of us. Instead, we have a fabricated Autopilot program running-- a robotic consciousness stuffed full of carefully chosen phrases and actions, created to limitedly take care of the body's social/ mundane interactions, even if "no one is driving." So this non-entity typically runs the show, while we all watch from inside... almost like viewing the outer life on a big TV screen. This allows us to comment on the life we see, make suggestions, and contribute in tiny ways to the AP's actions, without being tangled up in the stress of actually driving (although it does not always accept our input, as its main function is to buffer/censor our input in the first place!).

Because of this setup, we don't regularly "switch out," at least, not to just live life. That's too dangerous. Not only is our living situation not safe for us, but the vast majority of us also experience significant dysphoria when fronting in any case. This is caused either by having to front as a dramatically different gender and/or species, or by the shock of suddenly having to operate a human physical body.
When anyone does switch out entirely, it's usually because they either felt the need to intercede on the body's behalf at that moment (upstairs system), OR because they were triggered by a real or potential threat (downstairs system). Our people don't just switch out to "live life," like many alters seem to do-- for example, the idea of an alter fronting so regularly as to have their own life, hobbies, possessions, etc. is alien to all of us. We live inside the mind, even though this is limited and often painful, because the alternative is even moreso, albeit in different ways.

Is this an uncommon situation for a system to be in? Does anyone else experience something like this?

 

 

073013

 

 

I am so done.
I really am.

I tried to read some old Xanga entries. Couldn't do it.
Too ridiculous.

Wherever I am in life, whatever cycle this is, headspace is NOT A PART OF IT.

I'm done. For however long this lasts, I'm done.