060213

A personal note-to-self so I don't forget this...

I've been doing ludicrous amounts of spiritual reflection all day, as I hit the oldest obstacle I know last night-- again-- and honestly, after today's efforts, I feel I am ready to overcome it for good. Even when I'm drowning in the fear and loathing it drags out from the darkest corners of my soul, I'm still lucidly aware that I don't want to be like this. I don't want to think or feel like this, for any reason. Past suffering is no justification for holding on to the pain forever, weighing myself down with scars and fears that have long since lost any semblance of meaning or reason. I've tried far too many times to "ignore the past" and move on, but ignoring the fact that you have shackles on your feet doesn't make it any easier to walk, so to speak.

So today, I quite literally went against every ounce of terror that was screaming in me, and did my research on how to heal it. I reviewed my old knowledge and added to it with new clarifications of things that I found (surprisingly, through the fog) I already understood, at heart. True, it took a few hours to break through the walls I had put up around myself yet again, but now that I have, I'm feeling a strange but familiar sort of clarity about the issue. The last time I hit a point like this in healing was last February or so, and I endured some seriously traumatic incidents between then and now that made this issue put in roots all over again. So being able to tune back into that now, stronger than ever, is very significant. It means I've grown more than I would have ever dared give myself credit for had the proof not just struck me like a bolt of lightning.

...I was just talking to Chaos 0, upstairs, about this. He said that almost exactly: "you don't give yourself enough credit." And I don't, really. Looking back, I have to laugh at how willingly blind I've been... I've known Chaos for 10 years and he knows me inside and out, but I rarely believed him when he used to tell me such things. Some part of me was utterly convinced that I was a fake, a joke, a lie-- and that I could only bring the same things to myself. That's all utter nonsense, but it plagued me for years... and yet, just now, seeing him smile with total sincerity, it hit me that all of this is true. That's the short version, of course. I don't think I can put into words exactly what I saw proven in his eyes. For a moment, it was July 7th all over again, I knew beyond a single shred of doubt that yes, this is real. "This is you," I said in absolute wonder, and he smiled again.
The words "I love you" overflowed from my heart just then, and his response was the most meaningful "I know" I have ever heard.
That's when the credit line came in, actually. Powerful stuff, really.

As usual, I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I'm looking forward to it.