just an update

Today's Xanga was postposed due to a tornado warning, sorry about that!

Tomorrow I will be out of the house for most of the afternoon, and I should also be busy for most of Sunday. This is good, because as you know, weekends are typically very dangerous, and tomorrow feels edgy in any sense. So I will probably sleep in, do some creative work before I leave, and then stay on the road for as long as possible!

Unfortunately I have class on Monday morning so I cannot realistically hold a session on Sunday night. Hopefully enough events will transpire over the weekend to give us more info for Monday afternoon, the ideal time for a session-- therapy is Tuesday morning!

In any case, today was VERY good. I've somehow managed to tune RIGHT back into my old infinite well of creativity, thanks to me randomly doing a "spontaneous short story" about Dream World (the panacea for everything) while driving to school for a spontaneous exam that I ALSO had no trouble with (a huge thing for me; in the past I would always overthink essays, and I literally just sat down and started writing this one). This tuning-in also helped me get a big inspiration boost while organizing my wealth of computer documents, so I've started a new notebook for-- wait for it-- short stories! Seriously I have SO many snippets of ideas that don't fit with any of my "series"... so why force them to fit? Write something small and unattached! I need to stop trying so hard anyway, and all of a sudden now I am 100% comfortable with chilling out work-wise.

The only real complaint I had was the fact that I ended up eating the vegetables from yesterday today, including those "awesome potatoes" we laughed about so much. However I forgot that my stomach does not like potatoes, haha. It just doesn't like starch, I've found. So I've been choking up foam for the past hour. I'll eat a lemon tomorrow morning and hopefully that'll calm it down. If not, there's always ridiculous amounts of salad!
On that note, this needs to be mentioned: that weird dissociation phenomenon I've been experiencing has once again proven itself to be a very old problem. I was trying to prepare dinner today, and those infernal cacophonous voices came back-- not the hellish ones, but the taunting ones, who tell me that everything I do is wrong. The problem with those voices is that they're often right-- but they're so rude and condemning about it that I usually don't listen to them, even if my own intuition is telling me otherwise. I told Laurie about this, and she was pissed as expected, BUT then she said that it was time that we went back to the "old way of doing things," which is to have someone ghosting with me or accompanying me upstairs AT ALL TIMES. She then proceeded to hang out with me upstairs for the next several hours. So I cannot complain about how that worked out, haha!
We did find another few problems with me dissociating, though: it plays into translation as well, and it often takes advantage of the "autopilot" that frequently turns on when I'm under stress. Also, earlier this morning Genesis and I realized that if I try to channel myself during a major dissociation, it is difficult to function at all and I quickly find myself wanting to meditate and/or sleep. Talking is a huge effort, and moving can be just as confusing. But it's me loud and clear. It's sad that I can't seem to come through in this body well enough yet when I'm away from a computer (here my consciousness effectively moves "out" into the operations within the screen, so I don't have dissociative problems until and unless my attention is broken). At least now it's a little clearer as to why. But we'll work on that over the weekend, and talk about it on Monday.

However... there is a quote I need to keep in mind, again, in light of this.
"The peace you seek does not necessarily come from fixing all of your ego’s little quirks and problems but rather cutting to the root of the problem: you are not your ego. The journey toward getting out of your own way and allowing your innate peace to flourish may have a few steps involved. But peace is there in every step regardless, it is the space that surrounds your every challenge."
So we'll see.

I feel like listening to Imogen Heap all of a sudden. Sounds like my current music genre is changing, haha! I actually wrote a tiny Tumblr post about this yesterday... I tend to mark periods of time in my life with certain songs/ artists/ genres, almost unconsciously. I simply gravitate to whatever music "fits" the current timeframe, and listen to that music obsessively, even if it's only a handful of songs over and over again. For example, I went through months back in 2009 or so when I listened to nothing but FROST* or MIDICRONICA. Then when those time periods were over, I stopped listening to those bands for months, despite how much I loved their music-- they just didn't "fit" anymore. So yeah, starting IMMEDIATELY after my surgery in March, I suddenly fell into Nils Frahm/ "Game Over" mode (as I mentioned previously). However, lately I've been feeling that restless push to change the playlist, but I don't know what to, yet. I tried Turkish pop again for a while but that didn't stick. Same with old school prog. But this afternoon Laurie started quoting "The Moment I Said It," and I thought "hey, maybe that'll work!" So yeah, more random facts about my strange life. It's fun.

The storm outside has died down. Everything smells like rain, but it's an unusually potent scent and for some reason it's triggering something in the back of my mind, a memory or association I can't reach. I think I'm going to pop outside for a minute and see if I get anything.

I'm going to close this up before that, though, because it's already 10PM and I need to get to sleep early-- I've been getting pain upon awaking lately (despite getting 9+ hours a night) and I haven't been remembering my dreams at all, which means that I need to wake up slowly and naturally, instead of to noise or someone telling me to get up. As a result bedtime is now pushed to anywhere between 8 and 10PM. My boss will be happy!

G'night kids, I'll update tomorrow evening maybe, depending on how much happens during the day. See you!