041112

 

 

Lent is over!
The spring semester is almost over!
In the meantime life is still brilliant and my connections are coming back, thank God, this is beautiful.

Here's a preview of some big stuff that's happened lately:
Mr. Sandman is now a permanent in central headspace, Spine is now "male" (matching the Core), the Blood Lotus Cathedral is purified, and Xenophon found her metainomen.
Awesome, I know.

Surprisingly, though, I really don't feel like typing anymore.
I know, I know-- I've been trying to keep an accurate log of all upstairs events, but really, I am so tired of computers. I'm tired of spending countless hours researching and studying and learning and typing, typing, typing. For weeks now I've been practically forcing myself to keep up to speed on news articles and the like.
It just... I don't know what step to take yet. The reading has helped me immensely, but I'm afraid it's become a crutch. I'm afraid now I'm using it as a 'guidebook' instead of listening to my own heart as to what direction to take. I'm trying so hard to 'get this right,' to 'get my facts straight,' to make sure I'm 'following the right path' and not 'messing up'... all this trying, all this seeking, all this searching and trying to 'become,' I'm starting to wonder if it's blinding me in a way? I'm making this so difficult. I'm acting like there's only one way to get there, and only other people know it. That's not true. I'm trying too hard, as usual, and I'm losing sight of the fact that I'm already exactly where I need to be.
So yes, I won't deny that I may have needed the constant reading for a while. But now... I think now I'm getting nudges to stop? Stop spending hours reading up on what to do, and start DOING IT. The studying feels like an excuse now: 'how can I work without knowing all the details?' Well geez, I'm using this computer without knowing all the details of how it works-- how is this so different, so to speak?
Long story short, I kind of like not being online anymore. I really do. It's freeing and so much less stressful, to not have to worry about groups and updates and messages and emails and things. Maybe it makes me seem unreliable to some, and for that I apologize, but honestly I've had enough.
So I might not be updating much anymore, at least not unless there's something I really feel driven to share. There are a few things like that I need to write about from the past two months or so, yes, but as for the future? I can't say.

I've been feeling much differently lately, in general.
My ego is quieting down and although there have been some 'rough spots,' to put it lightly, I've made exponential progress there. Holy Saturday was the high point and I will be writing about that here as soon as I can. The whole situation centering around it and the Cathedral is incredibly strange and I don't fully understand the details yet, but I have faith that I'll understand it exactly when I need to.
My intuition is also sharpening? My biggest problem is that I keep doubting it. Mr. Sandman told me, with a laugh, that I should start 'doubting my own doubts' instead. In a way he's right; there's absolutely no reason why I should be doubting what I hear and feel, other than a sense of inferiority and 'I couldn't possibly be right.' Which, although mostly unconscious, is still an old mindset that is entirely incorrect and needs to be rooted out.
I'm making major progress with my therapist concerning PTSD recovery, for both me and Julie (although I'm helping her in secret of course). I realized today, with genuine surprise, that I still haven't fully 'faced up' to some parts of what happened with us. I was trying to be open and honest and my mind blanked out, several times, and I found myself stuttering. It wasn't as frustrating as it was an 'aha' moment, as it made me realize 'whoa, I need to sit down and take a good look at this myself!' I might be able to give the general facts with no problem, but generalization tends to sweep a lot of the pain and truths under the rug. I can say 'I was abused' but I can't say how, or anything else concerning the details, without my mind instantaneously going into knee-jerk 'coping mode' and shutting off. I need to work through that and start really digging up the dirt here, because I'm finally strong enough to face that without being knocked off my feet. I know I am, and if I do get a little shaky, I have Laurie and Chaos to help me through as always. So I might start gently discussing that stuff with Julie tomorrow, because I'll have some free time after class as I don't feel like eating until the evening, if at all.
That's another thing: I don't feel like eating much anymore, and I've lost a lot of weight. My BMI is hovering between 17 and 18, and both my parents and doctors are concerned, but I seriously just am not hungry anymore. I'll suddenly stop eating for two, three days straight and I'll feel more clear-headed and grounded than ever. Problem is Spine can't take that for too long. I know we can't live without food, at least not yet; I have to learn to take things slowly. I tend to jump into things quickly and headfirst, and expect things to move faster than they do. I need to learn more patience here, in the sense that I need to let go a little more. I need to surrender more, trust more, and stop trying to 'make' things turn out a certain way. Just let go! My bosses (Laurie and Mr. Sandman, obviously) are helping me out a lot with this, which I'm deeply grateful for. Seriously, I trust Laurie more than anyone else, so I need to start acting on that more. Dream World is helping me too, not surprisingly, as it's helped me out with everything in my life so far in one way or another.

Speaking of. For the past few months, something keeps telling me, repeatedly and loudly, to keep working on Dream World. It keeps getting more insistent, so I'm putting in more effort. And, the amount of progress I've made on the project lately is, to be honest, rather shocking. The things I've learned, about the characters and the history, now make everything else so clear it's forcing me to step back and just stare at the screen in shock, to really take it in! And I don't mean it's just clarifying what I've already written (paradoxically, the stuff I wrote back in 2001 and later 'cut out' thinking it was plotless nonsense now makes MORE sense than anything else)... it's also clarifying my life situation in general. It's syncing perfectly with everything I'm learning spiritually, and with what I'm being told. I mean, it always has, but now it's going backwards and stuff I once wrote about in 2002 without understanding why is now SO clear it's kind of creepy! Creepy but beautiful, if you get what I mean.
My biggest roadblock right now is figuring out HOW to start posting the story online. I've figured out roughly the best spot on the timeline to open from, but as to how to begin the actual narrative, I'm a little lost. I've never been the sort of person to start in the middle of things, which most books do, so this is a little tricky for me to figure out. I usually write from the very beginning, but such a slow, 'historic' start doesn't feel like the best option. So I need to experiment with different openings, I think. It's a bit overwhelming to think about, what with how much information I need to sift and sort through for this endeavor, but it needs to be done.

Anyway. It's late and I have school tomorrow, which I still can't seem to take seriously and I don't know if that's good or bad. Hm.
Ah well. I do need sleep, in any case.


Love and light to you.