snowflakes

 

 

I need to start a new OKCupid profile or something to look for this 'someone' I feel I need around.
But geez, I don't know what criteria to list... mentally I always see a girl, kind of like Clarisse McClellan from Fahrenheit 451. The most important thing, though, is that she has a great deal of innocence and clarity about her.
I mean, come on... if I'm going to have someone around me as often as possible, I need someone with a kind heart and an understanding, open mind. I bruise terribly easily, no matter how much armor I wear.

See, that's the other thing. Even when my mental self-image was still feminine, I could only see myself with a girl, although everyone I love in my head is a dude. I can't explain it.
I'm also wondering about roles, which ones may be coming into play, and whether or not I even want one to apply. Girlfriend, sister, partner, daughter... all four, and none? I don't know.
I have this deep-rooted protective drive that I feel I need to express with this person, but paradoxically, I will also need them to protect me... probably moreso than the contrary. I have so many demons attacking me, every moment of every day, and having someone who knows and cares enough to help me fight them would help more than anything I have ever had access to up to this point.
I need the Resolution to my Contrition, for the sake of an inside reference... although the roles are reversed. Still, I can't stop thinking about it.

I still have that bright, true, beautiful love for all humanity shining in my heart, even now, in such dark times. I've never lost it, not for an instant. Hope is a beautiful thing. I need to share this with someone, with everyone, somehow.
Staying up late and thinking about this makes me so sad, though. I really don't know what to do.

Sorry for updating so randomly; I just don't want to forget this point.