keyhole

Why is it that, whenever I try to help others, I destroy them?

Man, I do NOT want to be on this computer right now; it should be locked back in the drawer. It's already 2PM.
I didn't wake up until 11AM today anyway. I slept for 14 hours straight. What is wrong with me? Am I turning into that much of a superficial jerk?
I keep reading and re-reading and re-reading the terrible things others have said about me, because they are all entirely true, but it makes me flinch and shake when I read them because I don't want to be this person. Sure, the only way to change that is to actively work towards improving myself... but I've been doing that all my life, and every 'instructor' who shows up and tries to give me help only shoves me in the wrong direction, into a pit of snakes, over the ledge.
It's the real reason I'm scared of them, and the real reason they are scared of me. Why am I so stupid that I never learned to keep my mouth shut?
My friends all have different opinions and views on life... none of them really sync with my own. Every member of my household is the same way. I cannot escape from all of these terrible ravaging things; what can I do? The only time I feel safe, clear, genuine anymore is when I'm sitting at Borders, alone by the windows, typing for hours on end.

There's a quote that has always deeply disturbed me.
"You are only what you are when no one is looking."
For years, I used that as justification as to why I am a terrible person. But today I realized something... when am I ever, truly, alone?
I'm not alone here, at home. I'm not alone in this house, ever. The only time I can ever be alone is when I have car keys in one hand and a laptop in the other, because then it's just me and the open road. There is no one to act for, there are no corrupt expectations to meet, there are no prejudiced eyes and words.
If that is indeed my true solitude, then I may be a good person at heart after all.
(I'm probably not, but I need to consider this possibility as well...)
The sad thing is that those times are also widely condemned by those around me. It's hard to live righteously when you're surrounded by individuals trying to shove you in the opposite direction, thinking it is right solely because they have been lied to as well. I don't want to cause fights or hatred or dissonance, but when it is for the sake of upholding what is good, is it unavoidable?
That causes me such stress, and costs me so much sleep. The last time I stood up for my beliefs I was marked as a demon, and I accepted that. Now what?

I have 50 minutes left on Apollo's battery and I don't plan on spending more than 15 more minutes on here anyway, so.
It's also hard to type due to this bandage on my finger, but so help me I am not taking that off and if I get an allergic reaction then so be it.

I was talking to Laurie earlier, in a city-themed mindscape. We were both kind of 'disconnected,' mainly because of the trauma from last night, but we could still talk and understand each other, so it could have been worse. She brought up several interesting points, one being an elaboration of the gender topic I spend so much time debating. I've never felt 'genuine' as a cis or trans person, and we realized why-- sure, I have no gender, but I was born a female because I was supposed to live my childhood as one; it was much more beneficial for me, and kept me from suffering more than I had to. I mean, think about it-- a quiet, weird, fragile girl can easily be ignored (which I was), but a boy of the same quality? I'd have been torn apart. Once I hit 2003, though, my self-image drastically changed and I began to strongly feel even more 'male' that I previously had as a hardcore tomboy. Afraid of prejudice, I hid that until about 4 years later, and now I'm almost entirely male-presenting. I've known this entire situation for quite some time now, but Laurie pointed out one major aspect that I missed... as a child, I could NEVER see a future for myself. If you asked me what I wanted to do with my adult life, I'd likely rattle off a list of random careers that dealt with my interests-- an artist, a composer, even a paleontologist-- but I could never, ever truthfully see myself as anything. I couldn't even see my life past age 20.
Once I started identifying as male-bodied, the rest of my future opened up to me.
It was almost scary when I realized it, honestly. To have lived the past 20 years with no sight beyond that age, thinking I had no future, assuming I would die... well, in a way, all of that was entirely true. I had no future as a girl, because I wasn't meant to stay one. The female persona that had shielded me as a child died when I hit age 20... and I was practically 'reborn' into who I am now.
Sure, I didn't realize it at the time, and let myself be incredibly battered and bruised because of it, but now it's clear. So I've lost all fear I had concerning that situation now, as I can see it's what was supposed to happen. I'm really happy about that, and I don't feel that emotion often at all.
Geez, I swear, looking back on my life is so surreal. It feels like reading a screenplay or watching a film; it's laid out so clearly and everything falls together at all the right times. I can't think of a single incident in my life, big or small, good or bad, that hasn't ultimately played out into something beneficial that I needed at exactly the right time.
It's why I've never lost faith, even when life gets rough, even when those around me try to convince me I have 'nothing to believe in.' Are you kidding? I have everything to believe in, and you probably do too; you just haven't taken the time to really stop and think and look around. I know... I was like that once.
Thank the light for Preludove! I swear, if I had never met her... I really have no idea where I'd be right now. Probably dead, heh.

Well, I did say I don't want to be on here much longer, as I do have a ton of typing to catch up on and that is infinitely more important than this.
Thanks for listening.




An old fairytale told me
The simple heart will be prized again
A toad will be our king
And ugly ogres are heroes
Then you'll shake
Your fist at the sky
"Oh why did I rely
On fashions and small fry?"

All promises broken
Feed your people or lose your throne
And forfeit your whole kingdom
I'd sooner lose it than still live in it alone
You were our golden child
But the gentle and the mild
Inherit the earth

While your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
'Cause now we all know

Soon, someone will put a spell on you
Perfume, treasure, sorcery, every trick they know
You will lie in a deep sleep

That's when
Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
'Cause now we all know.