passive-aggressive murder

It is so weird how I have to judge the mood of an entry before I post it anywhere.

Anyway, hello. Today is Thanksgiving over in the lovely USA. It was also snowing earlier today. Pretty good start for the day, right? I wish the rest of it had followed suit, but that's life...
I managed to wash up without being hacked this morning, which also meant that I had to switch my arm bandages. However, upon removing them, I noticed two things: the cuts had not healed and were still bleeding, and the skin that had been under the bandage was all red and slightly swollen. Yes, they are non-latex, so it must be an allergy to whatever substitute is used. Originally I thought it was only a random reaction, but this keeps happening, no matter what brand I use, so I have concluded that bandages = no help whatsoever. So yes, I managed to wrap it up in medical gauze for now. The whole situation is just really distressing me.
I don't want to elaborate on why. I'll just say that... that I found something that obviously belonged to my mother while I was looking for the gauze downstairs, and I seriously wanted to throw up for about an hour afterwards.
I'm not even accepted in my own 'minority.' Where am I supposed to look now?

I bit the bullet and started re-reading Trying Human yesterday, after having avoided it for over a year thanks to the brief nudity in it. Kind of sick how both TH and Jack have hideous triggers in them, but both deal with subject matter I really find personally significant. So I have to be careful or I can easily be gutted on the spot.
But yeah, um... the real and quite significant reason I started re-reading TH was because I went on a sentimental favebinge on dA yesterday... and during that time, I came across these two. Don and Longus. Guess who they remind me of?
...Yeah, so it hit me hard. It lit me up, brighter than I've been in far too long, and then it hit me so hard I've been completely out of it since last night.
I also found this and this earlier that day... I... well, I'm still reeling from how deeply they affected me. I was in tears from the first one.
The distance, and my own fragile instability, really hurt today.
I've been choking back dysphoria but I'm afraid it's poisoning me from the inside out.

My mother and her boyfriend are in the kitchen and it's driving me mad. I've never been a fan of romance, but over the past few months I have developed a severe and violent reaction to it. So this is driving me to the edge of a breakdown but I need to finish typing my series revisions and I have nowhere else to go.
I can't take it. I really can't take it. I can't take all these sounds and movements and lights. I need a blizzard to hit, soon, so I can at least have a quiet white place to run to when this happens. Winter is my only sanctuary.
I think I'm going to go to bed at 8 or 9PM today. I can't stay awake anymore, and it's not because of fatigue-- I don't feel tired until I wake up-- it's because my coping mechanisms have been shot through and I can't deal with this safely. Laurie has forbidden self-abuse unless it's for the gravestones, and dear God but I NEVER want to bury another child ever again.
It's killing me. I'm dying.

I don't even know why I'm updating.
I am so sick of computers... heck, I've never liked them. I despise having to sit in front of this awful glowing screen all day in order to get work done, only to be constantly interrupted and traumatized by the horrific whims of the thousands of other souls sitting in front of glowing screens.
I feel so sick being here. I don't want to be here. I want to work and that's all.
I've seriously considered packing up my Macbook and locking it away somewhere, but the only thing keeping me from doing that is my fear of losing either of the two girls I love while I'm disconnected. It's almost happened before.
But geez... I cannot take this. I really can't.

If I suddenly disappear for a long time, don't worry. We'll all be better off.