suffocating

 

Trying to start something new here...
All the old stuff is hidden, so don't worry about it.




I went looking for words to express how terrified I am right now, and I couldn't find any.

It's disgustingly frustrating sometimes.
I don't know if they're all immature, blind, deluded... or if I'm the one suffering from those afflictions.
They keep using those words that I can't stand. Those stupid, shallow, meaningless words.
Nothing means anything when you might die tomorrow morning.

I've realized that, when things like this happen, I don't want to care anymore.
Everything else seems so incredibly insignificant, so foolishly worthless, when you're faced with something as life-shaking as this. Nothing else matters at all.
Which actually scares me. I can't even begin to comprehend the priorities of some people.
"You're my everything" is one of them. For the love of sanity, they're just a soul inside a bag of bones. They can't save you. They can't do anything to stop the shadows from clawing at your throat until you can't scream anymore. They're just as ephemeral as you are. How in heaven can you base your entire life on a single person? It makes no sense. It scares me how people can think like that.

But there's another thing that frightens me... people sometimes take that mindset a step farther and say "I can't live without you."
That is one of the most harrowing things I've heard someone say to me; not just because of the whole "transitory existence based around another transitory existence" thing, but also because it's a death trap.
I can't do a single thing without panicking because said person just might freaking die as a result.
It's not as selfish as it sounds. I couldn't function with someone's death on my conscience, but despite my chokingly cynical tendencies, I care too much. I don't want anyone else to die for such a ridiculous reason. It would be a terribly sad waste of a life. If I love you I don't want you to die; especially not over me.

But I don't know. I still feel like a hypocrite, because although I think that most relationships are just plain idiotic, I still find myself caught up in them once in a while. Then again, I often feel like an idiot for doing so. But is that just something I think I should feel like?
Maybe I'm just saying this because of my mother. Her definition of 'love' makes me sick.
I can't help but wonder how and why I've become so darn cynical/ cold/ empty, though. This is terribly recent. I think I have a slight idea what's causing this, though... the same curse that's causing everything else.
The girl in my stomach. Julie.

She's drained me. I'm empty. She's eaten me alive from the inside out, and now there's little left keeping me alive.
I'm so tired of her cruelty. I'm so tired of her screwing around with my consciousness on a daily basis, even to the point where I can barely resist lashing out at her in public. I swear, one day I'm going to have a mental breakdown right in the middle of a lecture or something... I came close last year, you know. Art class. Every single time those women walked in the room, both the girls would start up. Julie would start trying to screw with my mind, so all my attention would have to turn towards making her shut up. But Laurie... I swear, I literally had to stop and leave class several times during the semester just so she'd calm down. If I hadn't, I think she would have literally killed someone. There was way too much panic and corruption in my mental atmosphere last year for her to stay under control. I nearly killed myself once; let's not even go into how close I got to killing my own family members.

See, this is why I'm seeing a therapist.
I can't even talk to my soulbonds anymore. Julie knows how much they mean to me, so now whenever she sees them/ senses them/ whatever the hell she does, she kindly hacks my consciousness and screws with my very perception of them, so that when I see them next I practically want to gouge my eyes out.
She's been focusing on Chaos Zero lately. Selph left a few days ago... he said he was sick of not being able to help me when I was being attacked, so he's been staying with his father. It hurts, but it's better for him. Anyway, Chaos heard the news first, and decided to take over. It worked at first, but then Julie started picking fights whenever he was around, and it's gotten to the point where I've told Chaos to stay as far away from me as possible. I love him so much that I'd rather not see him for God knows how long than see Julie try to kill him in my mind. I just... I don't think I'll be able to carry through with it. I'll need both him, Laurie AND Selph on Monday, as I'm finally seeing my therapist again and I can't do that alone. But like I said... I don't know how to protect everyone else anymore.

That's also part of the reason why I haven't spoken to Ben and Jimmy in ages, too. I'm tired of ruining their lives, so now I'm just staying out.
However, second half of that reason is that I'm just too empty to really bother anymore.
Talking is a huge effort. Drawing is a huge effort. And I don't mean a 'too lazy to care' effort... I mean a 'emotionally drained to the point where my mind is in borderline suicide mode on a daily basis regardless of how stupid that is and it's been like this for the past 9 months or so now' effort.
No, I don't believe in suicide. It's absolutely meaningless in my opinion. Hitting the 'escape key' in life is just another way of quitting, of giving up all your chances and futures. I'm not saying I don't understand why people do it, though. Sometimes life just seems like a dead end, and they just want to get out.
That's what my problem is.. but I don't want to quit. I want to hit 'restart.' I want to try this level over, so to speak, and actually get it RIGHT this time.
Only problem is, life doesn't work like a video game, in that aspect and many others.
For example, in a game, if you know where an enemy hides/ how it works, you can kill it for good. Not so in life. In life, you're better off not even knowing that the enemy exists, because once you see it, you'll never get the image out of your head. See it enough times and you'll be scarred for life. And forget learning how it works... life's vices are more cruel than any AI, and they don't just learn how to counter all your strengths, they find weaknesses that you didn't even know you had and attack you when you're down. Life's a bitch, they say, and for once they're absolutely right.

I'm just so tired, though. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm currently helpless to change the problems I'm suffering, but no one wants to accept that. "Try harder," they say. "Ask your friends/ parents/ teachers/ counsellors," they say. What they don't know is that I'm trying to kill a biologically rooted headvoice and get a surgical procedure that is all but illegal.
I can't do much to change those problems right now.


But seriously, about the title.
I'm drowning. It feels like I'm choking on blood and chained to an upside-down pendulum or something.
I'm not scared for me, though. For some reason I'm absolutely terrified for everybody else, as if I'm only receiving the torture and they're all feeling the pain. I don't know, it just feels weird.

I was up until 4AM yesterday watching End Of Evangelion... the alternate episode 25. The episode where Asuka dies.
Why?
Because I have never experienced anything even remotely as physically painful or terrifying as that, and some sick part of me wants to. I fell asleep at 4:30 hoping I'd mentally relive that exact incident, regardless of how scarred I would undoubtedly be afterwards.
I don't know why I want that. Maybe I feel that I would understand it all better if I did.


I feel so sick and lost.


It's already 4AM again.




When you fall asleep
Before the end of the day
You start to worry
Like when the taxi comes
To take you away
When you're in no hurry

Yet as our hair turns white
All the stars still shine
So bright above
At least
It's not the end of the world.

We could live it large
Because we're only old once
Let's make a difference
Turn all the hate in the world
Into a mocking bird
Make it fly away

Yet as our hair turns grey
Everything is far
From A. O.K

At least it's not the end of the world.