Cruel loop

Still stuck in a loop, that I am.
This is making me sick. I'm so tired of coming on here and complaining, but for the love of sanity, I need to say this somehow.


I try ridiculously hard to live right and improve who I am, you know. Ironically, that's almost impossible in my current state of affairs, so I always end up taking one step forward and twelve steps back. I'm completely lost again, and it's not even a good kind of lost.

So I'm still lost...
Still scrounging money together for college...
Still panicking because my job just CUT MAJOR HOURS because of 'slow business,' so now I'm only getting about $75 a week...
Still wondering how in the world I'm going to find another job to fit in my schedule...
Still worrying myself sick over how I'm going to support myself and an apartment/ dorm/ whatever as soon as I get out of here...
And that's not even half of it!

On top of all that, I've been bingeing, abusing, and not getting much sleep. What a selfish moron I've turned into, huh?
I really make myself sick nowadays.

My mother apparently found a psychologist in the area who is "brutally no-nonsense" in her ways of dealing with patients.
On one hand, I don't want to see her because I already know I'm a simpering jerk most of the time, and having yet another person tell me that to my face isn't going to help much of anything except self-loathing.
On the other hand, she might remind me of Laurie. Unfortunately, psychologists aren't allowed to become emotionally mixed up with patients, so no therapist is ever going to be 100% Laurie... but hey. I seem to be looking for even more stress and pain than ever nowadays, so it might help.

About that stupid addiction of mine... well, it's a Johnny thing. A simple "re-routing" so to speak.
I'm actually looking for energy... for some sort of physical exertion or excitement that will make me feel like I'm actually doing something productive.
Despite my silent and rather introverted persona, my personality hasn't changed since I was about 6 years old, no kidding.
In photos and memories from back then, I was a terribly energetic, don't-hold-me-back, creatively overloaded spitfire that ran instead of walked and spent 80% of her time drawing.
Inside, I'm still that crazy kid. I'm still addicted to energy and activity, I need freedom, I'm still bursting with ideas and I still hate staying in one spot for too long.
Unfortunately, now I have no outlets. I'm no longer a kid... I don't get those exceptions and allowances anymore.
Now, I constantly feel as if I'm about to explode. I'm horribly stressed out because I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything-- so stressed, that it drives me to tears almost daily now.
I've become so desperate for some sort of agitation that I keep slipping back into the childhood self-abuse phase. I don't want to, but those lyrics still ring inescapably true... I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I spent about 30 solid minutes today just apologizing to the man upstairs and practically begging for some clarity, some extra bit of guidance to help me realize what the hell I should be doing instead of just sitting around and wishing for tomorrow.


And I still have that painfully debilitating problem where I'm afraid to get close to people I admire/ care about!
I'm sick of that, too. Even now that I actually have a CHANCE to make connections with the people I look up to, I hesitate.
I'm going to lose them, all of them, and then what good is my fear going to do anyone?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.



All this introspection has also made me realize a little something.
You know how I'm constantly getting deeply attached to all these 'fictional' characters? Chaos, Davy, Rorschach, Johnny C...
It seems to me that I see quite a few of them as having a terrible but vital part of my personality.
Let's run down the list, shall we?
Bakura has my fear of getting close to people because of my 'darker' traits.
Marik has my sometimes-destructive need to have some huge significance in life.
Chaos has my 'Perfection' curse.
Selph has my vivid fear of being forgotten.
Davy has my lingering heartache from always losing the people I love dearly.
Barry has my obsessively destructive habits.
Johnny has my self-loathing, my internal conflicts, and my 'lost creativity' problem.
Rorschach has my retributivism tendencies.
And you know who else is on this crazy list?
Mister freaking Bluesky.
I'm a reckless wanderer at heart. I hate virtually nothing, and lets face it-- if you knew me back before late 2007, you'd remember that I was a major optimist and always seemed to cheer people up.
Unfortunately, after a sudden and unexpected run-in with some traumatic inner conflicts and family issues, my sky's been pretty overcast. But I hate letting people know that! I just smile and live my life anyway.
Man. I'm sorry, Velox, but when it comes to our dear Bluesky I have one word to say-- empathy.



But now I'm getting off topic.

I'm still stuck in a loop.
Sure, I've taken a hammer to it, but I swear... if I end up taking one more backwards step, I'm going to snap.


Here's to a brighter future, I guess.