answer

We used to say that life was waiting just outside the door
Waiting down the road and standing by the cornerstore
But they never believed us
Until we brought it home

I used to keep all of my memories in a paper cup
Used to say that life was lovely, everything was looking up
I took it all for granted and I lost it
When they knocked it over

Bells are ringing
But I can't hear them anymore
This tower's falling down around me
I'm burning all to pieces

I used to know a girl that looked just like the city rain
Her eyes would shine just like the streetlights and reflected all my pain
It's such a shame I only knew her in a photograph
I want to see her smile

They used to spend their time out sitting by the wishing well
Praying for a miracle to save them from their hell
There was a night when everything was lit by shooting stars
They never came back home

Sky is falling
But I can't see it anymore
This ocean's burning up around me
I'm being torn to pieces

Father, can't you give me an answer
I just want an answer
I'm sick of all the questions invading my eyes
I never had a direction
Can I have some direction?
I'm sick of all these blue-shifting lies

New beginnings
But you don't know me anymore
The sun is shining all around us
I can't pick up the pieces

Father, can't you give me an answer
I just want an answer
I'm sick of all the questions invading my eyes
I never had a direction
Can I have some direction?
I'm sick of all these blue-shifting lies

Father, can't you give us an answer
We just need an answer
We're sick of all the fighting and all of the lies
I never had a direction
Can I have some direction?
I'm sick of all these tears in my eyes

This life is falling down around me...

 

 

 

 

And suddenly, it's gone

 

 

So I'm listening to "Rise Again" by Danny Byrd and trying to pretend that it's going to be okay...

...It's not working.


I apologize in advance for this. I was sincerely trying to keep my mouth shut about my personal problems this month, but tonight just broke all the rules.
Right now, you guys-- my close friends over the phone lines-- are the only people I trust enough to talk to.
That's pretty saddening, considering that my own family is not included in that group.

Well, here we go... February 2009.


I don't remember much of 2009 so far, which may or may not be a good thing. It's been rough as usual, though.
Regardless, February started out well. As my last entry implied, that evening I found out that =ArtisticDuality had just posted my Selph request. So that brightened things up for me.

From the 2nd to the 6th, I was going crazy over the Escape from Nevara OCT that's about to begin... awesome stuff. I'm very excited as many of my favorite artists are in it, so I spent a good deal of time acquainting myself with their OC entrants.

Unfortunately, on the night of the 6th... I got terribly sick.
So from Friday night up to this moment, I've been sick. It's not fun. That's not what's bugging me, though.


...Well.

In early October of last year, my mother apparently picked up on my bizarre sexual orientation.
She wasn't happy, to say the least.
That day wasn't that bad, though. Sure, my mother was ticked off and my grandmother ignored me for a while, but they didn't make much of a fuss... they just joked about it and acted like I was making this up for attention or something.
Unfortunately, I've been like this since my childhood and they just noticed now.
Apparently they've finally realized this.

This afternoon, I got home from class and was feeling terribly sick again. I mentioned this to my mother, but she didn't want to hear it. I completely forget what happened then, honestly.... but the next thing I remember is my grandmother literally clawing at my stomach, trying to literally tear off my binders.
I have no idea why that happened, let alone why now... but I told her that I refused to take them off (deeply important personal reasons, mind you) and she practically exploded with rage. Then my mother did the same thing, and after escaping from a volley of insults, accusations, and blows, I basically had to lock myself in the shower and try to talk myself down for the next hour, all while they're out screaming and cussing in the hallway.
It was bad, to say the least.

My grandmother's bedroom is separated from the shower room by a single wall, so I could hear her and my mother talking in there while I tried unsuccessfully to calm down.
There were the typical "she's psychotic and she should be locked away for good" threats, the usual "we should send her off to live with her father because they're both filthy pigs" threat, the "Why did I get stuck with children who are insane" complaint, the "I refuse to keep her in this house any longer" exclamation... I'm used to hearing every one of those, which is kind of sick.
It also didn't help that, the entire time, they continued to shoot down and insult the problem that caused this entire outburst... the fact that I'm an asexual/antisexual neutrois... and that I want surgery for it. Thank God that's all they've found out about me...

Regardless, I'm scared.
This keeps happening. I tried to keep my orientation under wraps for ages, but apparently the secret got out, so for the past 4 months I've been living in constant panic and uncertainty, not knowing if tomorrow is the day I'm going to come home and be the victim of some sort of 'retaliation'... don't know if I'm going to be kicked out of the house for good, don't know if I'm going to have my related possessions (binders, men's outfits, etc) destroyed... heck, I have to literally make my next haircut appointment in secret because, although my family likes me with shorter hair, I'd like it to look as androgynous as I can pull off, and my parents might finally ostracize me if they knew that I was still going to lengths to preserve my 'unacceptable' identity here.
I'm so scared about my surgery, though.
I'm going to have to wait until I'm living on my own, however long that takes... I've accepted that now, regardless of how it eats at me. I'll have to go through the entire long and tedious process of medical recommendations and evaluations and bills and recovery times and God knows what else on my own.
That's life, though. When you're radically different than the societal norm in an aspect like this, you're virtually always on your own in that respect.

Speaking of, I have no choice but to start maxing out my working hours during the week... attending gym in the morning, and then squeezing in 3-hour minishifts after class.
I need money, and not just for surgery down the road... if the hostility in my house continues, I'm going to have to move out. I'm already 18, and I get more than enough reminders of how my family isn't legally required to support me at all now that I'm an adult.
If I end up having to pay for my own apartment, gas money, food, college tuition, bills, you name it... geez, I don't know if I can. I doubt it, but I'll try.
See, this is why I'm so desperate to get commissions up and running, and why I am eternally thankful for Jacob and Jimmy and their generosity so far.
Man, I cannot ever take any of you for granted... but that is an entirely seperate rant, not to mention one that will literally take hours to explain fully.
But even so... I was never taught how to fend for myself in the world, or how to handle my own responsibilities. Even to this day it's difficult to get some instruction from my family. "I had to learn everything on my own, so why can't you?"
But that's another story, too...


Dear heavens.
I've been shot down and insulted for my orientation before, but this?

It's rough growing up as a girl when you can't experience sexual attraction.
Second grade, the invasion of N*SYNC and Hanson and Backstreet and all that jazz... and then me, seven years old, sitting alone in the back of the classroom, disgusted at how my classmates could be swooning over men at their age. I kid you not.
Fast forward to eigth grade, I'm 13... the same girls (including my boy-crazy best friend) were then obsessed Dainiel Radcliffe and Hayden Christenson and Orlando Bloom.... man oh man. They're all wondering why the heck I won't stop talking about Sonic Adventure and pay attention to 'hot guys'.
...WELL.
I work differently, m'dears.
Regardless, it's not just simple observations. Since I was a kid I've been actively shunned, insulted, and excluded because I am not only uninterested in men or women, but I've never fit the female ideals society has tried to throw on me.
I had one friend in elementary school (thank God she's stayed with me until today; I'm terribly thankful for her), and none in high school. I currently have only about 4 'passing acquaintances' in college.
Thank God there's a GLBTQ group on campus, because even though I'm still an extreme minority there, they at least know what I'm going through and accept me as a member without commenting on what an alleged mental screwup I am, unlike my family.

The insanity in my house happened about 3 hours ago.
My grandmother walked out of her room a few minutes ago, saw me in the hallway, and immediately started to rant about how I'm a 'demon' with 'demonic eyes' and all that nonsense... stormed back down to her room while raging on about how she doesn't even want to look at me.
I hope she's over this by 11PM, or I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. Oh well.

One thought crossed my mind while I was going through all that... I have no idea if this is affecting my brothers or not.
Chris would probably be the most accepting, but I don't know if my little brothers are even fazed by all this. I hope not, honestly. Thank God my mother gets over her grudges against me quickly.
...I'm just so glad that my beloved little sister doesn't live in this house.
Thank you God.


Sorry about all this, kids. I just needed to get that off my chest, as I don't know who else to turn to at this point.
I apologize if any of you are... I don't know, homophobic to the point where an extremist asexual will offend you. I'm sorry if you are, as I don't mean to offend.
This probably sounds mentally screwed up as fish to a good deal of you, too, and I'm sorry if you think so. Some people are just wired differently is all.
God makes no mistakes.
We are all exactly how we are for a reason.
It's hard to come to terms with sometimes, especially with ourselves, but it has helped me through some seriously tough times.


I wish the world could think like that, though.




-spcn