With one exception

The last ten minutes.



Q came over today. As soon as he walked in the door, Laurie went nuts. She must have spat frantic curses at least ten times in ten seconds.
I told her to please be quiet, then my mother practically dragged us out there to say hello. I took Rorschach with me for comfort, haha. That's why I'm glad he's 'hidden' in a book-- it's hard to smuggle a reassurance around without people getting all 'hmmm.'
That is also why I'm upset that I can only majorly do that by taking the Sonic Adventure 2: Battle instructions wherever I go, and then people would really start to wonder what the hell I'm up to, especially if I keep flipping to a certain page and staring at a certain blue guy with a look of desperate compassion. You know me.

Today went much better than I expected... for one reason.
I lived this entire day as a friend. Not a girlfriend, and not a lover, no sir.
I'm a friend. That's all. I'm not comfortable with anything else.
I thought everyone knew that...


DDR, random reminiscing with the parents (that was awesome), watching "Backstroke of the West" for almost an hour and laughing like maniacs, talking about sunsets and sketchbooks on the way back to his hotel.

And then I hit a major snag.


Today went pretty darn well... with one exception.

The porch.
Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it. Why wasn't I thinking???

If I tell this kid everything, it will be the figurative equivalent of taking his heart, ripping it to shreds, setting those shreds on fire and then letting Laurie have her fun with the remains.
The way he talks, and what he says... it's obvious how he feels, and that makes me panic.

I'm very, very uneasy and nervous because I think he wanted me to kiss him, and I want to be a kissing virgin as well as the other kind, yessir. I'm a neutrois celibate, for the love of heaven; you have to expect at least that much of me. (Plus I think kissing is disgusting if you think about it.)
I hugged him to make up for it, but that just made me feel really bad... like taking a homeless man and showing him a mansion that he can never, ever have. It's cruelty, even if I didn't mean it that way.

A soul only clings so desperately to what he cannot have.

I don't know where that phrase came from, but it's been echoing through my head all evening.
I don't know if it's true, but it scares me, and it's sobering nevertheless.


In other news.
I'm exhausted, I have Chaos Zero on my mind and David Bowie on my headphones (yeah!), and I need to get to sleep so I can listen to more Latin choir music at 2AM and wake up at 7AM with a killer headache and no memory of what I dreamed about save a strange attribute of significance to that fact. Happened last night!

But yes. Spinny needs her sleep, darn it.

...
I need to pray more. I really do.
I need to pray for Laurie to stop hijacking my consciousness, even though I love her.
I need to pray for more people to notice the onyx ring on my left ring finger.
I need to pray that I stop letting people down and breaking people's hearts.
I need to pray that I can somehow get my soul back to what it was like 6 years ago.
I need to pray that I can live better.


I refuse to give up my chance of salvation.
I'm just scared that I'm putting it in jeopardy without realizing it.



Also, I gave away far too many hints.
Yeah, I'd be talking to Q and I'd be all, "oh, I posted that somewhere else, I'm sorry..." I'm terrified that he's going to Google me and find this thing.
If he does, I hope he never tells me. I don't want to know, and I want to hold on to the hope that he won't find this for a long, long time, if at all.

Once again, the universe loves me.
"Link" by L'Arc~En~Ciel on my headphones.
The irony stings, but it's a nice sort of irony.
I don't know. I'm just weird like that.

I'm just... sad, that's all.


I don't know how to fix who I am.
Not yet.
And it scares me.





Can't I just have one day?
One day, free from the restraints of reality and physicality?
Can't I just have one day, lucid, in my mind, with the souls I want so desperately to see again?



But no matter how hard I hope and pray, I don't know if that wish will ever come true.

For if it ever does, the following lack of it will tear my heart to pieces from the inside out.


It's like showing a mansion to a homeless soul.
I may love every second I'm there, and I may hope with all my heart that I never have to leave...
...But once my time is up, I might not ever be able to go back, and then I will be blessed and cursed with a beautiful memory that may remain a memory for the rest of my life.

Nothing on earth ever lasts forever.
And just because I want something badly enough doesn't mean it's going to happen.




Even so...

...I hope to God it will.