hello

 


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY)




I had a really bad day- Can't you listen
Everybody's on drugs- but mine won't kick in!
Everyone's mad, dumb or wicked
Mrs. O please help, don't go!

Hello operator- Please connect me
To the human race- I'm disconnected!
I don't wanna hang up- Can't you help me
Mrs. O?
 

I'm on the phone.
I'm connected.
Technically.
But...
I feel... so disconnected.
 
I feel as if... I'm not getting through.
 
But wait, here's a signal!
What's this, a satellite?
 
Some words got through the static...
Some feelings got across the thousand miles.
 
Some good ones
Some bad ones
 
 
"I'm not a figment, for the love of God!! I'm real!!"
 
 
There's so much love going around here.
I'm such a weirdo.
And I'm a robot, Ima Robot!
Kiss me goodbye because the doctors are coming...!
 
Maybe it's because I didn't eat much today?
Couldn't stomach it for whatever reason?
Maybe it's because of the addiction that is the enter key
Or Bruce Hunter
The best thing since toast
Or maybe it's my mind's desperate attempt to offset the pain?
 
 
"Am I really... your number one?"
 
 
God, how did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this mess?
 
How did I...
 
I shouldn't be talking here.
Maybe I'll hide this
Maybe I'll mark it "mature"
(I'd have to let Laurie in here first, though)
Maybe I'll turn all the text black!
Leave a huge hole on my page
Where there should be PAIN.
 
 
Polyamory is nice when you're asexual
But ONLY if the ones you love accept it, goshdarnit all!
 
I'm having problems, damn it.
This should not happen... should it?
Obstacles?
Traps?

Pitfalls?

Cliffs?
Firing squads?
And all metaphorical! Would you look at that.
 
I was shot at by a firing squad once, you know.
Really, I was! In a dream!
I was helping all these poor innocent citizens hide from a terrorist attack and I DID but they caught me instead, and the guy brought me down to camp and they put me up against a wall and they literally turned a freaking firing squad on me.
Psalm 23 started running through my head then, which was really amazing and scary because I don't know anything past the first two lines offhand.
The Lord is my shepherd...
They fired, you know. Thank God I woke up, eh?
 
 
hmm
 
 
All right, let's calm down.
*pokes Delphi with a fork*
Happy Father's day, you screwball.
 
This was supposed to be a new beginning
What the hell happened?
 
 
I'm honestly not sure if I want this entry public...
I'm more scared of people seeing my mind when it's unhinged
Coincidentally
My mind happens to be unhinged right now.
 
But Selph is right here next to me
As usual
He's trying to act and look okay
And says he is
But I know him too well.
I know what happened earlier.
Right, darling?
 
And Chaos is still sobbing.
I wish I didn't have to put him through this.
But is it my fault?
Yes.
This is entirely of my own doing.
And I should be the one protecting him
And he should be the one comforting me
Or is it the other way around?
 
 
Dear God, how did I get myself into this?
 
 
Jewel Lightraye is still afraid to say stuff.
To whom?
To everyone.
Name a name and bingo, you've got it down
I'm afraid to say these things to anyone
Or am I?
Yes I am
It's just that sometimes I ignore the fear
Or pretend it's better this way
And maybe it is
But Vezerai isn't getting any saner
And there are still monsters in my closet
And loopholes under my pillow
And cracks in my heart
 
 
What is love?
 
Not the song
Not the fad
Not anything you would think.
And why?
Because nobody freaking knows.
Nobody knows what it is, really
I think it's better that way
I like when you can't explain things once in a while
Scary but nice
Like the Jewel Monster of Truth
How fitting is that?
 
 
Guardian angel
God of destruction
Somebody that I love
Why the heck do I always bring him up
Is that a problem?
No
But I guess it's just odd
For others, you know
And it eats at the back of my mind
So I tend to talk about him a lot
To explain things
To justify things.
You love him to death, damn it.
That is true.
You would die for that monster.
I'd die for anyone.
Would you?
Yes.
Martyr. Hypocrite. Liar.
I am not.
Really.
Of course.
Would you die for a mass murderer?
Mmmmmyes. He still has some good in him somewhere. Maybe he'll realize it. There's hope.
You hesitated, you sophist.
I'm human. I'm not perfect.
You calling Qlok a liar?
No. I'm just saying he doesn't know the whole truth here.
So you don't believe him?
Not... not entirely. I see where he gets the point. I try to live life in a way that would emulate an ideal, a perfect lifestyle. But I screw up a lot, and sometimes my mind just loses it and I'm totally disconnected.
Robot.
Ima Robot.
Monument to the Masses.
Are we speaking in titles or metaphors?
Whatever the hell you want to interpret it as.
Oh. All right. I only have 5 minutes and then I have to sleep.
Three.
Two.
Whatever.
Why are you so angry today?
Gee, I don't know. I'm just a figment.
Stop it with the sarcasm, please. I don't like sarcasm.
You don't like very bloody much, do you Jewel?
You know that's not true.
Do I now?
Yes.
Tell me.
You know it's impossible for me to hate. It's against my nature.
Is it, miss SACRiFiCE?
Why do you keep asking me?
Well, maybe I'll hit a snag. Maybe I'll catch you reciting an automatic delusion that you've accepted as true. Then you'll be caught, you sonofabitch.
Stop swearing, for heaven's sakes! Why are you so freaking angry tonight?
I'm furious because you keep lying.
Wait-- lying? I don't lie unless I'm unaware of the truth.
See, there's another problem! You and your dear little muse, you're always preaching "Know thyself!" "Know thyself!!" and do you ever? Arrogant charlatan. You don't know a thing about yourself. You're a pompous hypocrite and you're keeping Qlok deluded on purpose.
Wait wait wait. What?
Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all, Isn't that what your friend Justice sings? You know I'm right.
I... you're right. I'm at a total loss. I'm really not sure of me, other than the fact that I'm Jewel Lightraye.
Is that a fact?
Yes. I'm out of my mind, that's normal. I always was. I guess people just thought 'Jessica' was saner than I am or something.
She was a devil and she was worse than you are.
Stop with the insults, Laurie. Right now.
It's 3:06 AM, you liar.
...Oh. You're right. But I still want to know why you said what you said earlier.
What?
About my alleged "deluding Qlok on purpose."
Oh you know that's what you're doing! You don't pick favorites, damn it. You don't love anyone more or less. That's where all your bloody guilt trips come from, you idiot! You picked five people to get something really special, so you say, and what do you do when they start doubting it? When it all comes down to "honey, either you pick me or I'm outta here?" What the hell are you going to do when they start doubting you? Huh? You don't play favorites, you disconnected jerk! Get a freaking head on your shoulders! Can't you see a thing when you look in a mirror? Huh? Ever since Natalie died you've been seriously screwed up, girl! Who's next? Me or Julie? Who'll be the next one on your shitlist? Who's head is going to roll first? Kill us both, go right the hell ahead! You remember Ardon and Isabelle, how she refused to accept her shadow because she didn't want that darkness becoming a real part of her? Well, damn it, I'm that darkness! You want to be me? Fine! You want to be Julie? Go right ahead! You kill us like you did the other three and we're going to go straight into that bloody head of yours and we are going to seriously screw up some shit. You're not going to be Jewel Lightraye anymore. Jewel Lightraye doesn't HAVE a damn shadow, you idiot!! Open your eyes!!
...Wow.
Wow what? You shocked? Didn't think the axe-girl had that much talk in her, eh? Well think again, girl. I'm not going to let this go anymore when both my life and yours are on the line. I still care, shadow bitch or not. I still have a responsibility.
And what is that?
To keep you from becoming me.
Ah...
You gonna get some sleep now?
Um... oh geez, yeah. It's 3:18 in the morning.
What're you gonna do if you find Bruce?
Uh... say hello, I guess, and talk to him for a bit about the iMAGNi and stuff. And give him a crazy superfan hug if he'll let me. Because I'm a spaz like that.
Yes you are. Now go to bed.
All right. Good night, Laurie.
Oh, no no no, girl. I'm staying up and I'm fighting with Julie.
Please do it somewhere where I can't hear, all right?
Course I will. I have to. Julie's in severe suppression right now. You just might annihilate her if you keep this up.
Eh, I don't think so. I'm still a freaking human, which means she's going to live no matter what we do.
And me?
Geez, Laur, I like you too much to get rid of you.
Awww. How sweet. Now get to freakin' bed.
Will do.

 
 

Life?

 

 

Is this really what life should be?
They all say it is, yes.
But I don't know.
Even if this 'life' is typical in today's sorry society...
...It's not right.
It's not 'life.'

 

Hypocrisy.
There's so freaking much of it!
It goes in circles here, over and over, and it's very sad, really.

 

My mother hates my father. My grandmother belittles her for it, but she hates him too.
My grandmother and mother don't ever get along, and constantly get into "denial fights."
"That mother of yours does nothing but lie. Let me tell you the truth..."
"That grandmother of yours does nothing but lie. Let me tell you the truth..."
You know, I don't know whether to believe one of you, both of you, or neither of you anymore.
I don't know what to believe.
Your own child. Your own grandchild.
Isn't that awful?

 

My father alternates regularly between what everyone else says is totally fake kindness and what everyone else says is total unconcern.
I've seen both. I clearly remember the "good old days"... as a tiny kid, you know? He would crack jokes and play with me and all sorts of things. He would be there, at home, for a good part of the day.
But how old was I then, 4?
As the years passed, he drifted very, very far away. And I don't think he got along with my little twin brothers at all.
I remember the one day he locked Diamond out of the house late at night because he was furious...
I remember the one night he grabbed me by the hair and lifted me up to the ceiling and I don't recall why...
I remember the one afternoon Viral and I were terrified because we were in the car with him and he was roaring at us...
I remember the countless times he came home at ungodly hours of the morning, drunk out of his head.
He drives me to class as I don't have a car, but that's really it...
He hasn't lived in this house since November began.
We've only visited his apartment three times, tops...
"I never said I didn't want those kids!"

 

My grandfather goes between screaming at me for being stupid and worthless to praising me for being the only kid that listens to saying how great my grandmother is to declaring that he can't stand that woman being around the house.
Both my grandparents regularly explode-- and I mean explode-- because of my mother or my brothers.
God, I try so hard to keep my own name from being added to the list of causes. It's managed to stay off for a long time. Thank you.
They scream, they shout, they break things, they throw things, they hit us, they frighten us to death.
And then they deny it the next day.

 

My brothers... I don't know what's happening to them.
Diamond is terribly spiteful and smartmouthed. He ignores everyone, talks back to my grandmother, hides when he has chores to do, sleeps all day. Tell him to take a bath, "I took one yesterday." Tell him to eat dinner, he'll take one tiny forkful, "I already ate dinner!" No, you ate about seven popsicles and several candy bars but that's it. For that I blame my mother, though. She won't pay any attention to what's going on with you three... she spends a good deal of her kid-concentration time on screaming at me, over work, over medical bills, over college expenses, over parts of my personality she can't stand. It's too much sometimes.

 

Lightning has a temper fitting to his name. He's a literal bomb when you get him angry, and that can be achieved as easily as accusing him once that he didn't do his homework (and he really didn't). He has been known to break computers, televisions, mirrors, plates, headphones, wires of all sorts, game systems, CDs, toys, books, phones, doors and heaven knows what else all in a fit of rage. You know he's mad when theres a shriek followed by a hideous crash. He screams a lot, whines whenever he talks, and cries at the drop of a hat. I don't blame the poor kid, though. I've seen and heard the sort of verbal abuse he gets from my mother almost daily. Just like me.

 

Viral is scaring me. 98% of his day is spent playing guitar, playing Warcraft, sleeping, or talking to his girlfriend on the phone or on an instant messenger or in person because she's staying over our house for the whole day again. He makes out with her for hours on the living room couch and my mother doesn't even bat an eye. He is terribly cruel to my parents. He will throw shockingly scathing insults at my grandmother and mother alike, not to mention my little brothers and I. He hates my father with a burning passion, and possibly my grandmother too, as he's always fighting with her and doesn't even stop when she's in tears. However he also has a terribly severe problem with depression and self-abuse. He's been cutting himself with knives, razors, and God only knows what else for about 4, 5 years now, and supposedly all because of his father. I dread to imagine why, but haven't got a clue and he won't talk. He also talks of suicide frighteningly often, and as you all know, was sent to an actual "hospital" for that very reason and was only sent home because they couldn't keep him any longer by law. He used to break down and sob in school every day, and as a result he's been homeschooled since 2008 started. I really don't know what's happening to him or how to help, but I am scared out of my freaking mind.

 

Me... I try disgustingly hard to keep myself from contributing to the problem.
As a kid, I was awful. I was a literal spitfire from birth to grade 5, and then I plummeted into a hyperspeed downward spiral, and only recently have I been picking up some of that old energy, but in a positive way.
As a kid... well. I was disobedient, I was horribly rebellious, I wanted to be free to live life as excitingly as I wanted to and so I hated chores and rules and time-outs and homework. I loved to draw and write and dream and walk outside for hours just talking to the monsters I knew, but I was only allowed to do that for so long. I swore, I lied, I didn't pay attention in class, I hid from responsibility. I ran around and screamed and beat up on my brothers and got into huge arguments with my mother and grandmother. In third grade, I got in such a furious fight with Viral that I knocked out three of his teeth and left him bruised and bloody... and he left me the exact same way. That scared me to death even back then, that we could actually do such a thing...
Fortunately and unfortunately, my parents and grandparents would always discipline me. With a freaking stick and belt.
That's right, the sort of discipline that today would get them filed up for child abuse. Oh, but that wasn't even the worst! The rosaries and rice were dreaded enough, but what really scared me into submission was the lethal combination of my grandmother's truly terrifying fire and brimstone lectures, and the little pit of hell we had in our own basement... the coal cellar.
Dear God, are those ever bad memories. Bad, BAD memories. That was the ultimate, unopposable threat-- "If you don't do what I'm telling you to right now, I'm going to lock you in the cellar!"
I remember my little brother Diamond  being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the cellar steps, and my little brother Lightning sobbing his eyes out and trying to pry my mother's fingers off his twin's arms.
I remember my little brother Lightning being dragged down those same stairs, shrieking in terror, and my little brother Diamond simply watching his plight from the hallway.
I don't ever remember Viral going down there. Well, my grandmother always said he was mom's favorite, even today. Except today it's painfully obvious.
I was dragged down there twice. I may have been a brazen little brat at times, but at other times I was a perfect angel, and not just for the brownie points. You know me today; I was still Jewel Lightraye back then, even though I didn't realize it until I was about 8 years old. But Preludove is a whole other story.
The first time I was dragged down I only got halfway down the steps. I was crying my eyes out and pleading and promising that I would be better, and somehow they let me go.
The second time was the last... and the most traumatic experience of my entire freaking life. Devil in the hall included.
I don't even remember what I did. I don't even remember if I did anything.
All I remember is being bodily dragged downstairs, down the hallway, past the iron-bolt door, down another hallway, and all the way down to the darkest corner of the house-- the coal cellar.
And they shoved me in there.
Well, something inside me snapped. In a burst of pure terror, I kicked the wooden door so freaking hard I completely shattered the window and broke the hinges. Spitfire that I was, I ran for my life down that hallway and all the way to the stairs, mum and grandma on my tail-- but my grandfather was standing, huge and indomitable, in the middle of the steps. I was trapped.
But I couldn't take it. I risked falling a good 8 feet sideways and jumped around him, where there was no railing, and ran all the way back up to blessed ground floor... but my dad was waiting.
By this point I was too scared to do anything and didn't want him to get angry, heavens no, so I just collapsed into sobs on the kitchen floor. Well, they picked me up and tied me to a chair while they took turns lecturing me, but none of it even registered as I was just too damn happy to be alive, I swear I had thought I was going to die.
How old had I been, 5?
I don't remember. Cruelly young, that's what.

...

But it's not all bad. I have some amazing memories.

Like those sunny weekend days mum would randomly decide to go shopping with me, and we would stop at Borders and have coffee and talk about the new sci-fi magazines and wander through the malls and just talk and laugh and crack jokes about Wizeman and discuss school and work just like a mom and her child should.

Like those fantastic afternoons where everyone else was gone to work or lessons or wherever, and it would be just me and my grandparents home, and they would be all smiles and would make sure I knew how much it meant to them that I was keeping them company, that I was always so kind to them, that I always listened and was a great grandchild to have. Just those bright summer afternoons where I would help my grandmother with her puzzles and she would help me with my homework and have a lot of fun doing so. Lovely, priceless moments, as you never know how much time you have left...

Like those nights like tonight where my dad takes the time to drive me home from college classes and ends up reminiscing about his good old fun days in the 70s, and we always end up laughing until our sides hurt. Stories about bars with peanut shells all over the floor and only sold beer in mason canning jars and the ones where you could buy a whole case for $7 but you had to buy a case or nothing at all. Stories about ice-skating on the roads in our hometown because they never plowed them back then and stories about his friends street racing on the back roads and stories about how many cars he used to have as he was in the business and the one time he literally traded one for a drill, stories about hot rods that he custom built and had to sell because he needed money to support his children. Just bits of his life that I got to add to my memories. The sort of time I miss spending with him, like when I was a kid. 

Like this afternoon, when I came home from school and Viral glomped me out of nowhere. Like those times where Diamond and I would sit and laugh over Sonic for hours and talk about Pokemon and take turns blowing the dust off items in Spectrobes. Like those times Lightning had no one to talk to so I would sit with him and chat about trains and planes and Reala and Tallest Red for as long as he wanted. All those little moments which make me love my little brothers all the more.

I really do have some truly amazing memories... despite all the bad times.

But that's life, you know?

...

Pardon me, but I want to be a freaking spaz for two minutes. Just two minutes.
Observe!



AMBER!!  I thought I'd never see that picture of him again, that crazy orange bugger that he is.
But I found it, I FOUND the darn thing, I laugh at the odds, ha ha ha, and now I'm absolutely euphoric.
Yes, I am a spaztastically huge fan of Amber here. Gotta love him.
I swear, I am going to make that picture into a poster and tape it to my wall. That or stick it on a shirt. Because I can.
And isnt Amber dear technically the most androgynous of all the Gens? I mean, I often see him referred to as a female, but he's always drawn as a male. It's really awesome. And I'm antisexual anyaway, so it's all good. XD

Hm... where was I?


Oh yes.
Life.

My mother said earlier...
"The only people who enjoy life are the people in fairy tales."
"If you keep saying you want a career that will actually work with your talents, that will contribute something to society, you're never going to work a day in your life."

Well, I'm working now, am I not?
Even right now, typing this crazy stuff. This is my self-hired job, really.
I constantly work to inspire, to change others, to make people think and maybe open their eyes and hearts a little bit. That's always going to be my job, first and foremost, no matter what career I eventually get into (and if everything goes as planned, I'll be doing this same darn thing and I'll be getting paid for it). 
I will always be Jewel Lightraye, and I will always be a light to whoever needs me.

That's my life.

Good and bad.


Living the best you can, living with others in mind, living for your own good and for the good of the world and never compromising who you are...

That's the way it's supposed to be.


I freaking love it.



Enjoy your life, kids.
You've only got one.


-s. cannon