042408

 

Last night... hurt. And it was draining. Chaos is still crying this morning, but I'll try to keep everyone together okay.
Geez. What a lot I have to think about...

So look me straight into the eye, swear to God and tell me I'm not living a lie...

 

 

 

 

What am I supposed to say?

 

 

I still can't answer that... I'm sorry.

 

Natalie spoke for the first time last night. What a sweet voice she has... it's a shame her voice came so late, as she's no longer a personification anymore. She's back to being me.


Yes, I managed to take Natalie, Jessica, and Lynne back into my personality this morning. My laughing reflection, my crying shadow, my supportive hope. All three, back to being what they were originally-- me.
I did manage to evaporate the negative sides of Jess, though, so I didn't take back the self-worthlessness and depression. 
Natalie was happy to be back. I think I purposefully personified her, actually... just to give my reflection, my happy thoughts, a name of their own... even though they were me all the time. So it's nice to have her essence back, so to speak.


I'm going to miss Lynne, though, although she's been urging me to take her back for quite some time. I did tell her that-- that I would miss having her around-- but she just reminded me that she wouldn't be gone, really... she'd just lose her personification and turn back into self-worth and hopeful ambition. I missed her in that respect too.


It's terribly funny how I happened to personify all those missing emotions. Huh. At least they're back, I guess.
But it feels... kind of wrong. I don't know.




Well, all that's left now are my two "doughboys", to use my Johnny jargon. The nearly-autonomous headvoices.
The playgirl and the axe-wielder.
Eh... I don't think I want to "absorb" them, you know?


Besides... I love talkng to Laurie, and a few years ago I actually got Julie to mellow out for a while and be nice. (That was when she was my only headvoice.)  I spoke to her and Laurie last night and again this morning on that point, actually... that since I've know Julie for over a decade and I'm uncannily attached to Laurie (especially because of how I met her), I'd rather they just stay themselves, now that they have minds of their own, and just help me deal with things that way... just drop their vicious negativity and be nice for once.
Laurie was all for it, actually, and said she'd gladly do that if Julie would behave as well. I was surprised when Julie said she'd try. See, told you she wasn't all bad. Everyone has some good in 'em, even headvoices. Unfortunately, they'e both formed from rejected bits of my personality (vice and self-hatred), so that might be an obstacle... but they still came from me, so they can't be all bad! I know they're not.




Selph was doing fantastically well today, thank God... talked to him a lot at school, about both everyday things and about my current/future situation with all this headstuff. Quite interesting, and he has a lot of good points.
Mostly we were wondering over the whole "shattered-gem" theory Q brought up... how the year (1995) wasn't very good for me either, and if a certain event happened then, then the theory is practically verfied... but mostly Selph's vehement (and true) argument about the nature of his injury and the fact that my heart isn't broken and never has been, contrary to what I myself thought. We were talking about it all last night with Chaos, and have a huge and involved and true explanation formed, which I'll have to write down soon... but yes, he's doing well. Which means the world to me. I don't want my darlng muse all upset over simple speculations.


Chaos was sobbing all morning, though...he has been since last night, practically nonstop... it took me a long while to calm him down and reassure him somewhat, but he's terribly fragile and volatile and so he's still harboring doubts. It hurts because I don't know if I can give him a solid reason to stop worrying, and I wish I could... I'll have to talk to him again tomorrow, or even tonight before I fall asleep, if he feels he can talk about it. I won't force him, though. 
But honestly, I love him dearly, and just wish I could give him a little more truth than the red gem in his chest (long story, kids)... although that alone is practically an unbreakable truth in itself. I just hope he remembers that when he's feeling like this.


As for myself, I think I've found the answer, but don't have the time or ability to type it up now... too late, and I'll have all the time I need to write over the weekend anyway. I hope. Geez, I can't stand vacations. They eat my worktime!


Even so, the answer's good, and Todd Rundgren really seems to show up with all the right words at all the right times. Honest.




Hm... but yes, I need to get to bed. This abundance of work, excess of stress, lack of time and lack of sleep is eating at my health! Not good!


So... good night, I guess. Or good morning, unfortunately.,






...There are only two fragments, and they fragmented by my own free will...
...Everyone else I just let inside.
And I was formed from them, in a sense.


If they're simply pieces of me, then I'm simply a piece of them. That doesn't hold up.
Sure, I could easily turn them into feeling and make them part of me, but I'd just end up with what isn't mine. Sure, I could easily forget them all and just go about life, but then I would have no purpose, no future, no past.
And hey, I could easily absorb or forget the whole world... my classmates, my family, every stranger on the street, every friend I've ever had. Easily. My mind has a strange way of working, you know.


There are some things that simply cannot be explained, that cannot be proved... 
I know. You know. We all know, and yet we look away, nervous, embarrassed, because it's just not what we're used to. It's not what society considers 'normal' or even 'possible'... it might even be hard for our own iunique minds to comprehend.
But that doesn't mean it isn't true.




Even so...


We have to look harder, farther in, deeper in, to find the truth.
The truth is stranger than fiction, you know.


And I have a feeling it's hiding somewhere among the countless puppet-strings.
The truth, shimmering along the edges of the infinite rainbow heartstrings.