temporary resurrection

[prismaticbleed]

I've given us 30 more days. maybe forever. i don't know.

I want to erase my past so badly. I want to scrub it off the face of the earth.

But...
this effort, like every other attempt to do so in the past, has only resulted in shutting down my heart.

I've gone cold, and numb, and uncaring, since I hit the "deactivate" button. 
"By their fruits you shall know them," and I was convinced these archives are nothing but rotten fruit, but... erasing them is rotting me.

I don't know what to do. But I need time to discern. 

Our past is very, very, very ugly. We have done such evil and wicked things. Our history is full of tar and plague and blood and horror.
...but it was real. It really happened. It's honest, all of this terrible data. 
Erasing it from written record isn't going to erase it from history.
I'll still carry the wounds, even if they are invisible, even if I deny that they exist.

I don't think we can heal, or grow, or learn, in any honest way, if we just... burn everything to the ground. 

I don't have time to think about this tonight unfortunately. I'm struggling, so much, to "come back alive" after this past month of death.
How ironic that it took one of the most dramatic suicidal crashes of my life to initiate this effort, a real death risk that only Laurie and Chaos 0 saved me from.
You couldn't even pray, you idiot. You were convinced that God had abandoned you forever.
And then they showed up and suddenly you wanted to live, even if only for their sake.
Even if only because, as dead inside as you were, you still couldn't bear to cause him so much pain.
You couldn't bear the thought of her dying with you.
And you're really gonna pretend that they weren't the only way God's love could possibly get to you in that state?

Wake up, you poor fool, stop blinding yourself to the truth, no matter how ghastly it is. 
You've read the Old Testament.
Remember what Dr. Dan Allender said about how God loves stories.


Stop trying to annihilate yours.



 

Comments

⛅️

[choirinvisible]

https://youtu.be/QNGDoOBpw3A?si=fkmw4qPf-90rtWKS

remember when I mentioned someone doing Familiarity this year?

thought you should hear it. ~60sec. know that I'll get this blasted right into my face in the coming weeks. more than once.

please know the secret little peal that rings through my chest every single time. it's just... so much. thank you all for sharing your story with us.

doesn't matter if we need to be distant, nor if you disappear now and then. none of that changes this, which means infinitely more: we love you always.

just felt like sharing a piece of our journey this summer :> one which speaks to us of someone special. soon we will travel to visit Bluecoats in person, just to hear in that giant, aching, wordless voice-

"god only knows what I'd be without you..."

Re: ⛅️

[prismaticbleed]

...oh my gosh, the absolute cathartic impact of those harmonies is beyond words. It just... reached right into my chest and broke something wide open to immense light. Just like the original song does. That's phenomenal.
It's been so hard to feel anything for so long, especially something as pure and real as this, so sudden. I'm in tears. I... I'll be honest. This is how we used to feel, all the time, with you. Broken open like a wave crashing on sunlit shore. Alive and real in the late hours.
I miss this. I miss being so vulnerable to beauty. Thank you.

I've also never heard anything that registers as "pure gold" color to my ears except these drum corps. That is so special and important to me. It's a beauty I never knew before you.

Gravity and grace... the unexpected personal relevance in that, too, hits deep. I need to remember this, to hold it in our chest, as we go through the days ahead.


The thanks is mutual, beloveds. But it does mean more than I can express to know that our story has not been total poison, that some good has come from it, however small. Smallness does not mean insignificance.
Your story, for our little time within it and were blessed to know, is a treasure. Thank you, too, for sharing it-- then and now-- as unworthy as we have been of it. I am so sorry that we took it-- took all of you-- for granted for so long.

For the record, although we have been shamefully silent (which is a great injustice to you all, for how much kindness and charity and mercy you have shown and spoken to us), what we've read of your journey has filled us with so much joy. We are genuinely so happy for you and so proud of you. We wish you in turn all the joy possible as you continue onwards.

God only knows, indeed. And I'm so grateful that I can say: thank God we did get to be with you.
Thank God we miraculously, even in these little ways, still do.