prismaticbleed | purity problems (Reply)

WHY are you reading all these articles on purity culture??
What are you trying to find?
What are you hoping to read?

★church points: sensuality OF HUMAN EXISTENCE; inherent
"inside on the outside," esp. with BLOOD; breathing also counts a little
(OPENNESS + WOUNDS)
also "taking into oneself," tied to EATING
"melting into," blending in a non-forced sense (sex is forced)

the problem is, for me, ALWAYS…
BODY SEXUALITY, SENSUALITY, PROCREATION, ROMANCE, ETC. ARE ALL COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM EACH OTHER!!!!!!!

Even worse, because I am asexual AND dissociative, I DON'T "FEEL" SEXUALITY AT ALL, and when I get "turned on" IT ISN'T SEXUAL.
Society messages have confused the hell out of me and made some very bad things happen, with programming and depersonalization and obligations and shit.

ALSO A THING I REALIZED
"CRYING" FOR ME WAS ALWAYS INTENSELY INTIMATE
IF YOU CRY WHEN YOU'RE IN PAIN THAT COUNTS!!!
HOWEVER I WAS "NOT ALLOWED TO CRY" NORMALLY AT HOME
so it was apparently rerouted?

articles?
https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/05/24/asexuality-and-purity-teachings-can-be-a-toxic-mix-christine/
http://diannaeanderson.net/blog/2014/10/asexuality-in-christianity-both-ideal-and-reviled
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/phoenixandolivebranch/2012/06/modesty-body-policing-and-rape-culture/
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/phoenixandolivebranch/2011/11/how-modesty-made-me-fat/
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/phoenixandolivebranch/2011/11/modesty-a-response-to-common-misunderstandings/

"Modesty made me objectify myself. I was so aware of my own potential desirability at all times that I lost all other ways of defining myself. I couldn’t work out or get fit without worrying about attracting men. I couldn’t relax my eating habits for a moment lest my shirts start to pull a little in the chest. I couldn’t grow like a normal human adolescent because staying slim and sexless was the biggest priority in my world."

★ I NEVER had the "father owned body" thing; it was my MOM/GRANDMOTHER.
★ They were also the ones to passively sexualize me as a child.

some things..
the "not like other girls" phenomenon

THIS APATHETIC DEPRESSION IS GOING TO KILL ME
THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BODY RAPE ARE FALSE POSITIVES (ANTICHRISTS) AND THEY ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED FROM THE SYSTEM. THEY ARE "OF THIS WORLD" AND THEY ARE "NORMAL" AND THEY ARE UTTERLY, TOTALLY, DECEIVINGLY EVIL.

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http://manicpixiedreamcecil.tumblr.com/post/87895385911/so-growing-up-i-was-committed-to-courtship-and-i
so growing up i was “committed to courtship” and i had all these books on it like “the courtship of jeff mclain” and “stay in the castle” and “waiting for her isaac,” which are all very much as bad as they sound, which meant several things, all of them in retrospect fucking hilarious
purity ring and a freaky ceremony where my dad put it on my finger
no dating until i was old enough to get married
no dating unless i was “led by the holy spirit” and i was pretty sure i was going to marry the guy because dating is “practicing for divorce”
no dating unless the guy asked my dad for permission to date me
submitting to the dude’s wishes and crap
no hand-holding until i was engaged or something
no kissing until i was at the altar
no dating except in groups or unless my dad or brother was there to chaperone and make sure there was no premarital kissing or premature hand-holding
marriage asap and BUNCHES AND BUNCHES OF BABIES OH MY GOD ALL THE LITTLE HOMESCHOOLED BABIES
and tbh the whole thing mentally fucked me up something awful but i still can’t stop laughing at it

http://beranyth.tumblr.com/post/92946128999/those-perceptions-that-functioning-in-purity
Those perceptions that functioning in purity culture as an asexual girl is somehow easier are all complete nonsense.
Sure, you may not have to bury yourself in shame for every sexual thought, but you’re still taught to see yourself as a commodity that you have no choice in giving away. It might alleviate some of the pressure in the moment–give you an external excuse to avoid having sex right now–but it’s all about “saving it for your future husband.” It’s training young girls to hinge their choices and their bodily autonomy off of a man they haven’t even met yet. Everything comes back to the Imaginary Future Husband and his rights over you. We were literally told how we’d be betraying him by kissing someone else, or having sexual thoughts about anyone but him. You think there was any exception for those of us betraying him by not having interest in him at all?
Don’t want that husband? Don’t want to have sex on your wedding night? Too bad, that’s what you’re here for. Bonus points on the relgious spin on the “soulmate” idea, where if you feel like this you’re resisting the Perfect Man god already has picked out for you–how dare you refuse his gift! How ungrateful!
Purity culture is never about girls not ever having sex; it’s about men’s obsession with the idea of having a girl who has no sexual experiences but them. It’s about putting control of women’s sexuality in the hands of men they haven’t even met yet. It’s about keeping food unspoiled so you can eat it later.
A woman who always remains disinterested in sex isn’t seen as “keeping herself pure” forever–she’s seen as a piece of meat at the grocery store that no one buys and it just goes rotten and gets wasted.

http://prismaticentanglements.com/2010/05/29/sex-as-a-form-of-self-injury/
I didn’t understand then why she would do it so often if she didn’t even like it, and pretend to everyone else that she did. But I realize now that it is common among survivors of sexual assault to become the party girl, the wild one, the one pretending to enjoy herself as her friends crack endless jokes about the size of her b*****s and give pet names to her v****a. Some seek out men who will have violent sex with them as a way of reliving the trauma (as a way of expressing their grief), or punishing themselves. They do it not because they really want it, but because they feel it’s what they deserve… while it might be constructed as kinky and fun, it’s actually a form of self-inflicted violence…
What with all the negativity and disbelief coming from society as a whole, it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to think that maybe some asexuals think that there is something deeply broken and wrong about themselves, and in a desperate search to make themselves feel what they think they’re supposed to feel, and a frustrated attempt to punish themselves for not feeling it, they lash out at themselves in this way. I think it’s also something that people have a very hard time recognizing as a form of self-injury, because it’s not technically something that a people physically do to themselves, but rather self-harm by proxy.