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[prismaticbleed]

notes for today
rough just so we don't forget 
("I" used very loosely. Identity is a total blur lately & the body is always an incoherent space)


talk about the awful bingepurge + destruction cycle we're stuck in.
we also apparently aren't letting ourself FEEL anything. which is feeding the selfannihilatory behavior.
when the unbearable grief hits we tend to exercise for 2 hours but it comes right back
ironically the biggest thing helping us get back in control is the atonement. the e.d. is blatant brutal selfabuse and an explicit suicide stand-in. but having the pain and the blood and the camaraderie come back, even in the wake of it, is... powerfully transformational. we can feel the tide of the war shifting slowly but surely in our favor 

the mother is making everything so much worse
i hate that we've been saying that for years and it never changes. even now that we're on better terms with her now than ever, and we know her as a person, and we get along. somehow it's worse. somehow it's harder than ever now to deal with her. we still can't say no to her.
we want to sob/ cry/ scream/ rage/ destroy things/ etc. out of sheer overwhelmed helpless protest? but we're "not allowed to feel that" so we just dissociate and stay up until 4am

no food, no sleep, no rest, no emotional outlets, no time to breathe
we keep forgetting it's december. we keep forgetting it's advent. we keep forgetting christmas is soon. we haven't even been listening to holiday music.
...our anniversary is in five days and this is spiritual warfare
but my heart's not shut down!!!!! it's not! we refuse to let it! not this year!! never again will i be cold in winter i will be FIRE as i am MEANT to be


I... today i was washing my face and i wondered, hey man, what's up with how these washcloths are all discolored?
and then i realized, it's all bloodstains. that's never coming out you realize. algorith does her job well
(on a related note it's kind of hilarious how we can tell what sides the fronts of our clothes are by what side has the blood on it. it's an aesthetic at this point)


i haven't slept in a real bed in... four months? i don't know
i won't let myself, i feel unworthy, i keep "punishing myself" by sleeping on the couch


tonight:
-going through the jump drive, backing up the phone, moving some files
-chaos 0 secretly putting ALL of genesis's old art into his phone folder. this was really touching to me; those two are bffs to a profound extent and they genuinely love each other too. we haven't been spending enough time together as a group; please change that.
-listening to old recordings of past cores singing event horizon music and chaos 0 was so enraptured by it, it was really moving. remember how the cores used to sing to him all the time; it was an extremely significant part of that relationship for years. trauma damaged this horribly; please get it back.
-"genesis lore" but god it ached. we tend to forget how TRAUMATIC his history is. his gem is literally shattered for heaven's sakes. that still haunts him. it's easy to "overlook" with his upbeat, joking personality, but... that's the whole point. that boy has so much pain in him. he just doesn't show it like chaos 0 does. or like i do. different colors show their emotions differently. please, do not take him for granted. do not forget how deep his soul is.

...