091923

[prismaticbleed]

Slept until 9
Woke up in time for Lauds & Terce, said them

Knock mass! Healing sacrament too
Homily line, about changing focus from anxious petition to trusting gratitude = "use prayer to tell God how much you love Him, and how much you love others."

BK prep took a while but it was good today

Bumping all religious bits to after dividers, to cut into our monthly bulk entries; we're starting to obsess and it's deeply unhealthy.
We're getting obsessive over this just like Tumblr, and we're not eating and we're making ourselves a legalistic nervous wreck. Prayer & devotionals should NOT make us feel so anxiously rushed, and "trapped" that we want to cry and throw up.
Our worship is never restful. We're doing SOMETHING wrong.
...Laurie just nailed it. We're doing Tatiana's thing. We're obsessed with DOING, and we're not BEING.



We accidentally found a way to do FLUFFY EGGS!! We have to stir it up with a chopstick as soon as we put it in, then pop the bubbles that appear before we let it sit. The final texture is SO NICE.

Praying in fear = "God, I don't understand."
Reply= "Maybe I'm keeping that understanding from you in order to strengthen your FAITH."
Humble trust versus proud knowledge. We struggle daily. It's humiliating just to admit such a shameful sin.

Pasting this up here so you don't forget.
"...even though we are unable to penetrate through the letter to the spirit, through the outward and symbolic form to the real and eternal meaning of the sacrifice of Christ, we are yet on the road to truth, and hold the germ of it which will one day develop into the actual and perfect truth. Impatience is at the root of much unbelief and misconception and discontent; the inability to reconcile ourselves to the fact that in our present stage there is much we must hold provisionally, much we must be content to see through a glass darkly, much we can only know by picture and shadow. It is quite true the reality has come in the death of Christ, and symbol has passed away; but there is such a depth of Divine love, and so various a fulfilment of Divine purpose in the death of Christ, that we cannot be surprised that it baffles comprehension... it is not likely that we should be able to gauge its significance and explain its rationale of operation. And therefore, if, without any sluggish indifference to further knowledge, or merely worldly contentment to know of spiritual things only so much as is absolutely necessary, we yet are able to use what we do know and to await with confidence further knowledge, we probably act wisely and well."

Praying None, psalm 88, uniting my heart with all in the world who are in torment & pain. Felt global connection with the mystical suffering Body of Christ. If i cannot physically suffer LIKE them-- if God has not willed that I do; forcing myself to suffer is abuse, a sin-- then I can suffer WITH them LIKE MARY. In fact that's MORE edifying for me because then it REQUIRES ACTIVE VOLUNTARY COMPASSION, and it's NOT ABOUT ME. Making myself suffer more quickly becomes an OCD high, that bloody "challenge addiction." It loses all redemptive quality because ultimately it only SUFFERS FOR SELF.



"Whoever has known the love of God loves the whole world and never murmurs against his fate, for the burden of sorrow for the sake of God gains eternal joy."
- St. Silouan the Athonite


...my heart hurts over this restitution thing in our scripture study though.
"If your child has through carelessness broken or spoiled something you value, but seeing your displeasure is at pains to replace it, and does after long industry put into your hands an article of greater value than was lost to you, you are satisfied, and more than forgive your child... The satisfaction has far more than atoned for it."
...TBAS has said that nothing we ever do will atone for what we did to them.
But WHAT DID WE DO that was so malevolent??? I don't doubt them, I just... it's terrifying. I cannot see it. Are we that blind to our own capacity for evil? Is our skin toxic to touch and we don't realize? Do we draw blood with every brush-against and not notice it? What did we do?
And we TRIED to make amends. We just failed miserably. We actually made things WORSE. 
We're so haunted. We can't stop thinking about it. Five years later the blind guilt & paranoid fear have become cancerous.
...
...What would it take, for them to "atone for" our pain?
That's the most brutal question. It reveals all the hidden lingering poisonous grudges & regrets & wounds.
What losses have we pinned on them? What responsibilities for events do we impose on them?




Too guilty & ashamed to watch ghibli
Stupidly browsed Tumblr for like two hours
Looking up selfship affection art & self-denial saint quotes, talk about dichotomy
Saint quotes feeding selfhatred fire. Worried. Don't want to go back to that life of constant WAR with body. Always miserable, no joy, no peace.
THEN realized with horror that WE'RE ALSO MASOCHISTIC. I'm being as blunt as possible. Why do you think the war lasted so long? WE'RE PAIN ADDICTS on some sick level. Even now, when we're cowards & weaklings after CNC for some inane reason, we STILL unconsciously but really push for self-abuse. We can't vomit or bleed anymore so we do other things. We don't turn on air conditioning. We over exercise. We fast too long. We don't treat our mental illness symptoms. We won't let ourself sleep. We don't take pain medication or drink enough water. We pray for 2+ hours a day and read the Bible for 4+. We refuse to do anything recreational. BUT, because we AREN'T STARVING OR FLAGELLATING OURSELF ANYMORE, WE'RE BEING A DAMNED COWARD MORON EVIL SINNER SCUMBAG AND GOD IS SO DISGUSTED HE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT US. "We don't really love God if we aren't willing to KILL OURSELF for Him." BUT THAT'S OBSCENELY WRONG.

So depressed over this. Moral OCD hell.

Don't know if we should deprive ourselves of sleep or not. Might make this mindset worse. Is that the right thing though? Is that saintly suffering? Or is it just hatred finding a new costume?
I'm so tired. I miss the bright loving light of the System life.

God help us stop being such a waste of breath.